"Simplify" has been a corporate mantra now for well over a decade. Alas, the (mostly American) press-release writers and marketing drones of the IT industry have, in the short history of their existence, failed to heed the call.
Or more precisely, they've obeyed it in their own very special way, "simplifying" by making things more pointlessly complicated.
I speak, of course, of that industry scourge, the Curse of Tech Jargon - the means by which the elegant complexities of hardware and software design and function are converted into mucky gibberish.
One can grow numb to the phenomenon over time, since nearly every keynote address, presentation, press release, piece of marketing bumph, and conversation with a product manager requires fluency in this bastard child of the US military, Star Trek reruns, NASA, and advertising agencies.
Even (gasp!) the technology press has been known to succumb to the glittering generalities and vague militarisms of this hideous form of (mis)communication.
But a particularly ridiculous press release this week from a major technology company was a reminder of how silly this non-language is. Indeed, the release is a perfect example of how tech jargon has become a parody of itself.
It has become the language of the anti-matter world, having no substance and lacking any ability to describe something specific and concrete. It reveals its military parentage in collateral-damage-like phrases in which meaning is only vaguely understood and always hovers just beyond reach.
"Mission critical", for example, which is sometimes shortened - out of embarrassment, perhaps? - to just "critical". This overused NASA/military cliche is blanched of meaning in the IT world, but heck, it certainly sounds important.
The same with that marketing department stupidity, "enterprise", an entirely IT-created entity which used to be called a "business". But "business" was not grand enough. "Enterprise" gives a forthright, thrusting, go-where-no-geek-has-gonebefore excitement to the land of cubicles and water coolers.
A million marketing hacks must bless Gene Roddenberry every morning for having chosen the business-co-optable name Enterprise for the famed Star Trek vehicle, thus allowing bored white-collar managers across the globe to dream themselves virile Kirks when they purchase "enterprise" software products.
Both these phrases and more appear in this week's prize-winning press release. Indeed, the release is stunning in its accumulation of nearly every prime bit of tech jargon going. Whoops, I mean it powerfully leverages robust, leading-edge jargon assets in order to implement the marketing vision of this unique, innovative enterprise.
The panel shows some of the words and phrases - a veritable Buzzword Bingo bonanza (see www.buzzwordbingo.com for more on that delightful game). To add some glamour to the proceedings, see if you can guess the product being marketed.
Thus do marketing departments turn what should be singular products into bland, interchangeable mush. It's all a conspiracy to make some people, and some companies, sound like they know things we're too stupid to know and make us feel like we should then buy those products but not really ask too many difficult questions about what, exactly we are getting. Which is why tech jargon is ultimately condescending, patronising and when used by technology companies, displays a level of contempt and arrogance towards customers which is inexcusable. Next time someone tries it on you, ask them to explain. Watch them squirm. Then only buy products from companies which don't use such linguistic obscenities.
Karlin Lillington is at klillington@irish-times.ie
