So you wanna be a top class manager? Climb the greasy pole? Get the keys to the executive bathroom and the standard-issue black BMW?

You could go to college for a couple of years, study hard in some related area such as commerce or business studies, take your freshly minted 2.1 and become a wage slave for another couple of years.

Then you go back to college to do an MBA - which is a cross between filling out your tax forms and yomping 20 miles with a full backpack under the sadistic glare of a US Marine drill sergeant - and you go back to work with a foot on the lowest rung and begin the grinding climb once more.

Or you could invest £2.99 (€3.80) in this fetching, brightly coloured and handy pocket-sized book.

In an hour or two, you will be able to talk the talk. Walking the walk will come . . . especially if you can afford a Hugo Boss suit.

The science of management turns reason on its head. If genius is 95 per cent perspiration and 5 per cent inspiration, then management is 95 per cent perception and 5 per cent inception.

If you are seen to be doing the work, then the work is done. And if you are unlucky enough to get caught out, then the Little Book has the answer.

Blame somebody else and/or confuse your superiors with a blizzard of righteous sounding gobbledegook.

And take heart, they didn't get where they are today without employing the same tactics, so they know the rules.

For instance, what do you do if somebody is slacking? In real life, you would find out if there was a problem, say with a subordinate's home life, and you would offer advice and encouragement, and attempt to remotivate them. Wrong.

The Little Book of Management Bollocks says this: "Dealing with underperformers requires a high level of emotional intelligence. Having analysed the nature of the performance shortfall, ask the individual concerned to suggest solutions.

"Listen carefully. Show empathy. Clarify expectations. Ask open-ended, non-directive questions. Make sympathetic, non-prescriptive, non-judgmental remarks.

"Then replace the fucker with someone who can do the job."

What do you do if the project you are in charge of starts to come apart?

The Little Book has this to offer: "If you're not achieving your aims, don't blame government policy, head office decisions, the state of the economy, the strength of the pound or the high rate of taxation. Instead have the courage to blame the person who is really responsible - your predecessor."

Then there's the tricky issue of promotion.

Appointing that eager and efficient MBA graduate presents a unique challenge to a graduate of the Little Book school of business studies and you have to ask what is the promotion for.

The Little Book's answer: promotion is an opportunity. Don't make the mistake of promoting mediocre people to positions of power simply in order to protect your own position. Promote mediocre people to positions of power so that you've got someone to talk to.

Alistair Beaton seems to have done his time hanging around the water dispenser or in the pub after work, where the worker bees gather to ridicule their bosses and let off steam about the opaque and bewildering decision-making process that rules their lives and can turn a normal day into an Alice in Wonderland nightmare where words and images are not as they seem.

This is thoroughly enjoyable, funny and perceptive - and a whole lot cheaper than an MBA.

comidheach@irish-times.ie