When you’re a new mother, it feels like everyone wants a piece of you - literally, figuratively, and emotionally.
Add physiological changes, a lack of sleep and hormonal fluctuations into that mix and it’s easy to understand why returning to work after maternity leave can be one of the most fraught, challenging and stressful times in a woman’s life.
In my work as an executive coach, I have found that successful women often keep their struggles private in difficult re-entry situations.
This may be because they don’t want others to view them as weak; because they don’t feel like they have a confidant they can trust (their mother-friends may judge them, while other colleagues may take advantage of them); or it may simply be that they don’t want to open a Pandora’s Box of emotional pain by talking about it.
The result is often self-doubt and compartmentalising – one woman told me that she cried for months on the way to and from work, then stoically focused during the work day.
In a short-term crisis, compartmentalising can be fine, perhaps even healthy. But motherhood is neither short-term, nor a crisis, so we need some more effective approaches.
1. Be well informed about typical post-partum emotions so you don't feel that your reactions are abnormal or that there is something defective or inadequate about you. Try to be open to your feelings and to experience their full range, which will make you less likely to fixate on any given issue or challenge, such as a workplace rival.
2. Figure out what you want independent of what is happening at any given moment in your workplace. If you make the decision to work full-time, it should be because that's what you've decided to do, not because you feel you need to compete with a particular peer for your boss's favour or for key assignments or responsibilities. Similarly, if you decide to leave that job (or the workforce) it should be because that's what you want long-term, not because your current situation feels untenable.
3. Get the support and kindness you need, whether that be from a few trusted friends, internal or external advocates or mentors, or a counsellor.
In particular, women who have already been through it will be glad to share their stories, lessons learned and to dispense advice based on their own experiences.
4. Find even small ways to build your executive stamina through fitness, meditation, nutrition, hydration and getting as much sleep and sunlight as you can. Take breaks when possible at home and at work to restore your energy and recharge your batteries. This may mean hiring a sitter just so you can go upstairs and take a nap; that's OK.
5. Prepare in advance for difficult conversations, whether with your boss or with a workplace rival.
Maintain your composure and professionalism, and plan to use positive, solution-seeking language that doesn’t imply criticism or appear accusatory.
That’s a best practice almost all of the time, but it is even more important if you’re in a workplace where colleagues are using your leave as an excuse to undermine you; losing your cool will only give them more ammunition.
Hilary Pearl is an executive coach and a principal at Dattner Consulting in New York City. In Association with Harvard Business Review
