THE ersatz `Orish' pub, masterminded by Guinness has proved to be an outstanding success in theme pub myth marketing. Business is booming in 1,250 quasi ethnic outlets in 36 countries with a further 400 pubs expected to start pulling pints year. One has even opened in Shanghai. An ideal opportunity, as Guinness puts it, "to recruit new drinkers worldwide". The Guinness group this week reported annual group pre tax profits rising 5 per cent to £975 million sterling. While spirits struggled ale and stout did somewhat better. Global sales of the black stuff rose 4 per cent to 8.6 million hectolitres. Sounds impressive, but what exactly is a `hecto' litre.?

Back where it all started at St Jame's Gate the economic feelgood factor kept the `real' Irish pubs filled. Turnover at Guinness Ireland improved 8 per cent to £764 million with a 10 per cent creamier head on pre tax profits at £163 million.

Corporate revisionists at Guinness are now unhappy with the weight gaining nuances of the famous "good for you" slogan. The company says there are more calories in a pint of skimmed milk than in a pint of Guinness. That may well be but shareholders will not object to fatter investment returns, total dividends swelling 8 per cent to 16.1p a share.