The 2010 Deloitte calendar shows that perpetrators of nonsense repeat-offend, no matter how severe the warning, writes LUCY KELLAWAY

IN JUNE 2003, a vice-chairman of JP Morgan sent an e-mail to all the masters of the universe who worked for him. “Take the time to call a client and tell them you love them . . . they won’t forget you made the call,” he wrote.

If any of his underlings followed Jimmy Lee’s advice, I’m sure the clients will not have forgotten. An unsolicited declaration of love from an investment banker is the sort of thing to lodge itself uncomfortably in the memory for a very long time.

In the intervening years, I’ve often thought with nostalgia of Lee’s memo. Nothing I’ve seen since has come anywhere close in terms of misconstruing the relationship between a client and its professional advisers.

Until last week – when a reader sent me the 2010 Deloitte calendar, which sits on the desks of its auditors and consultants in the UK. On the front page it says, “a client a day”, a phrase that is repeated on every page within.

The more familiar slogan, “a Mars a day (helps you work rest and play)” is perfectly sensible. It may be plainly untrue but at least it makes one inclined to rip off the wrapper and eat the bar at once. But “a client a day” makes no sense at all, especially in a business where people often work with the same client for months on end.

Inside the calendar, the month of January shows a picture of a dewy apple alongside the words “maintaining a healthy relationship”. This is even more baffling. Do auditors generally have unhealthy relationships with their clients, unless advised otherwise by calendars?

According to Google, an unhealthy relationship entails domestic violence, betrayal and addiction. I had no idea that a life in audit could be so exciting.

The monthly tip for February reads: “It’s good to talk, it’s even better to listen.” The picture is of a phone left off the hook, giving the impression that the consultant has nipped off to make a cup of tea while the client bangs on unsuspectingly.

I’ve just asked a friend who is an old hand at employing consultants whether listening is indeed better than talking. He shook his head. “I’m paying the bastards, so I’d like it if they could say something useful.”

May has a picture of a half-eaten watermelon.

“Something to get your teeth into,” it says.

I don’t like to think about what is being implied here. Is it suggesting that Deloitte workers should bite their clients?

For June there are two parrots on a perch looking companionable. “A problem shared.” The imagery here is puzzling as parrots surely repeat whatever they have just heard and don’t understand a word of it.

August, worryingly, shows a penknife but October is even more unfortunate. By a photograph of a pumpkin are the words: “Give them a treat.” It is surely essential that auditors eschew Halloween as neither tricks nor treats are permissible in a post-Enron age.

November’s offering is a firework. “Remember, remember,” it says.

Remember what? That a band of traitors tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament 400 years ago? Why do auditors need to remember that? Wouldn’t they be better off remembering IFRS instead?

In all, the motivational calendar is by turns pathetic, moronic, ill-advised and plain wrong. While the JP Morgan effort was utterly creepy and phoney, at least one could see what it was driving at: it was an attempt to get bankers to be agreeable to their clients.

The Deloitte effort is more frightening because it has evidently had a lot of thought and expense lavished on it and will sit on desks for a full year encouraging staff to ignore the four things that matter in a client relationship. These are experience, mastery of subject matter, diligence and punctuality.

The thing that distresses me most about the calendar is that it proves that perpetrators of bullshit repeat-offend, no matter how severe the warning.

Two and a half years ago, Deloitte produced a motivational staff booklet called The Little Blue Book of Strategy. I wrote a whole column about it saying that like Mao’s Little Red Book, it was an instrument of brainwashing and torture (of language).

Deloitte wasn’t pleased: I was summoned for a bollocking over breakfast with the firm’s global chief. He said his bit and I said mine, but I was impressed at how he seemed to be taking it in. Now, thanks to the calendar, I see the firm prefers talking to listening, after all.

If any of the top brass would like to do more talking over a second bollocking breakfast, I’m available most days next week, although not Tuesday as I’m at the dental hygienist. – Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2010