CENTS & NONSENSE:Scene: A group of people waits patiently outside the ornate iron gates of the big Government building. Music plays softly in the background: "Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour . . . the magical mystery tour is waiting to take you away."

A small man wearing a bright green shirt and ginger beard with an impish grin motions for the queue to move closer. He pulls out a loudspeaker and says: "Citizens, we are about to start our behind-the-scenes tour of the Government's decision-making process. During this exciting visit, we'll follow our leaders to see how they spend our taxes."

An open-top tram appears. The passengers board and fasten their safety belts. The tram moves forward and the tour guide says: "Please make sure you keep all arms, legs and clothing inside the vehicle. Feeding the politicians' egos is strictly prohibited as their behaviour can be unpredictable."

The tram shoots down a dark tunnel and emerges into a brightly lit hallway lined with different-coloured doors. "First, we'll look in beyond the red door. This is the efficiency testing room. Here, we give all senior public managers an exam to see if they qualify for a raise."

Fifty people sit at desks with their eyes focused on the front of the room. A blond woman in a black suit with hair fixed in a bun says: "Now, pick up the pen from the desk and start ticking all the boxes on the sheet in front of you." They scribble away for about 30 seconds until she says: "Stop. Well done. You've all passed the exam! Come to the front of the room and I'll give you the red stamp for your form. Your pay rise will be reflected in your next salary packet and in your pension as of tomorrow."

The vehicle moves to the next room. It has a black door with "Finance" etched in gold letters. "Please firmly secure all your bags, wallets and valuables." An alarm sounds and the door flies opens with a whooshing sound.

Worried-looking employees feed a large black hole in the centre of the room. In go: thick advisory reports; consultants' inflated bills; gold bars; barrels of oil; bags of money; bloated legal fee notices; hospital budgets; tribunal invoices, constitutional challenge advice and sometimes even people.

A young man taking the tour asks: "What are they doing?" The tour guide responds: "That thing is insatiable. They have to keep feeding it or the country will grind to a halt. Quick, let's go before we become its next snack. Things are a bit calmer next door."

A green door swings open to reveal a man applying the finishing touches to his hair. The tour guide says to the visitors: "Welcome to the green room. This is where senior politicians wait to talk to the public about vegetables."

The room has several bins for separating rubbish. They are marked: organic matter; glass; plastic; soiled newspapers and political make-up. A large compost bin is overflowing with scraps of wasted conversations and half-hearted debates.

"Now we'll take some questions from the citizen vehicle." The guide points to a teenager, who asks: "I see you have many receptacles for rubbish. What about Government waste - where does that go?"

The politician says: "Sorry, I don't understand the question. There is no waste. Everything is recycled." He picks up a vegetable from a box labelled "organic, Irish, low food miles".

"Have you seen this lovely cabbage? I planted it in the back garden of the main party leader's former constituency office. I fed it with compost recycled from this room. The only problem with cabbage grown in this way is that once you eat it, you're filled with hot air." He smiles, takes a big bite and waves goodbye as the tram moves on.

The guide becomes animated: "Now it's time for the final and most important room in the nation - the decision makers' chamber. I must ask for silence once the door reveals the Government's sacred inner space."

Stack upon stack of proposed Bills form columns on either side of the tram as it manoeuvres into the space. Hundreds of chairs fill the rotund room. Most are empty. The occupied ones hold officials with their arms crossed and their heads resting on their chests. They are snoring loudly.

A woman says: "Ah, aren't they cute?" After a few moments, the tram pulls out of the room. "That concludes today's visit. We hope you enjoyed your magical, mystery tour."