I must be getting old. The young guy in the coffee shop continued “...and your name?” I had to bite my tongue to stop responding: “...no business of yours. I just want a cup of coffee. What has my name to do with that? What’s yours?”
But I didn’t. The kid was just doing his job and as directed, affecting such false familiarity to create a nice warm feeling that might increase sales. The practice is as transparent, as it is crass and inept. I gave him my first name.
A foreign national, it was unfamiliar. “Is that spelt with a ‘y’ or an ‘I’ ?” he asked. “P-A-T-S-Y”, I replied. He looked puzzled. Clearly, there are no “Patsys” where he comes from, unless of the “innocent-and-easily-taken-advantage-of” kind (me, and as described in American slang).
But he was not American. “Pat”, I said. “P-A-T”. No confusion there. All of which contributes to making a coffee shop experience something of a trial when all you want is a cup of coffee. Or tea.
I feel we’re close now, Meghan, so I can speak freely. The right pitch is crucial in lifestyle hucksterism like yours
As Fergus Finlay and Tom Clonan’s spat escalates, Sarah McInerney relishes the radio gold
No, the Irish who come to Australia are not the ‘worst’
An Irishman in Spain: ‘Salaries are much lower here, but my mental health is far better’
So, in a spirit of public service, the following may assist you dear reader next time you brave the attentions of young baristas in a coffee shop in an attempt to navigate the glossed-up, exotic-sounding menu while retaining some dignity in trying to get a coffee. Or tea.
An Americano is black coffee; a flat white is white coffee; a cappuccino is frothy coffee; a latte is milky coffee; an espresso is a small, strong coffee; a macchiato is milk-topped coffee; while a mocha is chocolate-flavoured coffee. Tea is not coffee and neither, clearly, is hot chocolate, though you can never be sure in the context.
Of course they couldn’t leave it at that. Tea isn’t safe either. Breakfast is just tea, as is earl grey. So too is mint infusion, but with a minty flavour. Green tea has nothing to do with Ireland, or St Patrick’s Day, it’s just green, while “Superfruity Infusion” is also tea, but with berry flavours. All the better to confuse you, my dear.
And please don’t ask me about “Mellow Mango with Zinc”. Just drink it!
Coffee, from Dutch koffie, Turkish kahveh, Arabic qahwah, thought to originate in the Kaffa region of Ethiopia, a home of the tree whose ground and roasted seeds are basis for the drink.
