Looking for an imaginary cultural Christmas gift for the art lover in your life? Better look further than Kevin Gildea's, um, festive suggestions
• Snuggle up for the night with The Samuel Beckett Duvet Set- beautiful prints of his knife-sharp face on the bleached hard sheets of a dead man. Tuck yourself up with your copy of Molloyand a hot cup of gruel. There is also a children's version replete with a cute print of Teddy the dog (before yer man ran him over with a bicycle).
• At last a work of art that millions of art lovers would love to see: Damien Hirst in Formaldehyde. The best thing about this is that, unlike the shark, Damien is cleverly secreted in a pocket of air so you have the pleasure of watching him struggle as he comes up with endless money-making "art" ideas but is unable to cash in on them.
• Charity gifts to impoverished villages in the Third World usually involve pigs and goats and watering cans. But what about culture? For just €50, how about giving the present of a poetto a Third World country. For €25 you can send two poets. Or, for €100, send a short story writer; for €150, a novelist; for €200, a painter; and for €2 (negotiable), a critic. For €1,000,000, why not buy U2 and we'll send them to a village where they can put their feet where there money is.
• Instant Giacomettiis the world's premier statue stretcher. Now you can take your sad old squatty statue and simply stre-e-e-etch new life into it until, voilà!, a Giacometti. And you can use it again and again. With this statue stretcher, it's a Giacometti every time! NB: Instant Giacometti statue stretchers can also be used on ladders that aren't long enough and on young children who want to be goalkeepers.
• Do you know somebody who's been beaten by the recession but still wants to keep up with the Joneses? Well, why not give them a beautiful reproduction of unknown artist AB Balfe's picture of sunflowers. The picture's title, which is written in large print above the picture, is "My Other Picture is a Van Gogh". For jokey desperation, it's got to be AB Balfe's sunflowers.
• Book of the Year No 1: Book of the Calendar. Yes, it's finally been done - somebody has brought out a book of a calendar. All the dates are here, but in a book. If ever there was a contender for book of the year, it's got to be this book . . . of a calendar!
• Book of the Year No 2: The Sarah Palin Book of Facts. Here are some world-beaters.
Fact No 365:The world is 41 years old, my grandparents were born in 1968 and my parents were born in 1998, and I was born yesterday.
Fact No 52:The demographic of America has changed irrevocably in the last four years. The latest Alaskan statistical report finds the population composed as follows -
2 per cent white
80 per cent black
19 per cent Hispanic
12 per cent undecided
35 per cent Angels
99 per cent terrorists.
Fact No 1:I talk to God every day. I am not saying that makes me a better person than God, but shucks, is that guy open to my no-nonsense advice or not? Like moose nuts, he can't get enough of it.
Fact No 6:Global warming is a big lie, as proved by the continued existence of Iceland.
• Special Bank of Ireland art sale - pictures and sculpture from only €5,000.
• After the inspirational first two books of Barack Obama's autobiography("I Believe I Can Fly - So Watch Me Go" and "The Sky is My Pavement - Wheeee!"), the third instalment hits the shops in time for you-know-when (Christmas).
This third part of the inspirational autobiographical trilogy (or autotribioggraphology) is disappointing. It's called "15 Minutes For Lunch").
• Special Bank of Ireland Art Sale- pictures and sculpture from only €500.
• Give somebody the gift of being John Banville for a day! This is a unique opportunity to experience what it's like to be one of Ireland's greatest and slowest writers. John Banville has admitted that it can take him up to a day to write only three lines (he revealed this in a letter to The Irish Times that took him two weeks to write). Highlight of the day will be a writing race with John Banville, which you have an excellent chance of winning. You will get a special certificate with "I Beat Banville" written on it. There will be an end of day award ceremony at which John Banville himself will give you a golden punch and proclaim you Banvilled! "I'm Banville" vouchers are available at all good bookshops or at Benson's: The Strange Walking Sticks Emporium.
• Special Bank of Ireland art sale- pictures and sculpture from only €5.
• Looking for something that combines art and personal security? Then check out the Barack Obama bulletproof art range. Choose from bulletproof picture frames, bulletproof artist's smock, bulletproof easels, or bulletproof writing paper. This is part of a larger Barack Obama range of gifts that includes bulletproof kitchen utensils (bulletproof frying pan, anyone, or a bulletproof wooden spoon not made out of wood?). For the lovely, endangered lady in your life how about a bulletproof bikini? There is even a bulletproof gun! It's a wide range. In fact, the range is so wide that you could think of any item, stick the word "bulletproof" in front of it, and youve got a present idea.
• Painted nailsmean that you don't actually have to hang a painting to display a work of art. Just hammer your painted masonry nail into the wall and there you are: art that comments on the absence of art. How relevant in these crunchy bust times. Available on the website emperorsclothes.com.
• Special Bank of Ireland art sale- pictures and sculpture from . . . oh, never mind.
• His 'n' Hers Masks from Famous Paintings, for use in Difficult Marital Situations.How often in a marriage have you found yourself in the same situation that will lead to the inevitable argument? Well, now you don't have to have that inevitable argument. That's right - take the sting out of your argument with famous art masks. Imagine that you've just come in late from the pub and the face of your partner is boiling like it's been punched from the inside by 1,000 tiny angry fists. You are being assailed by the questions "where have you been?", "what time do you call this?", "what the hell is that on your face?"!
You don't need to worry because you are wearing the Mona Lisa mask! The simple, enigmatic smile will wear your angry partner down and eventually they'll go and sleep it off until the next morning in the spare room.
Or! Did your partner do the thing that they have been doing for 15 years that drives you mad but that they continue to do despite the fact that you've been asking them not to for 15 years? "Put the lid back on the milk and/or put it back in the fridge", "Can you please put your dishes in the dishwasher?", "How many times do I have to tell you? The knives go in the knife section of the cutlery holder and not in the laundry basket!", "Your penis doesn't go there, it goes in your underpants!". Don't let this develop into the usual tiresome slanging match, rather let Edward Munch do the work for you: simply slip on the Screammask and away you go!
Why not catch 40 winks while you're at it! The great thing about the masks is that if the other party continues to engage in verbals you can simply nod off behind the mask as they engage with getting enraged.
• Lesser-Known Quotes of Oscar Wildeis a new book of rare Wildean quotes which he uttered when alone in his own house. Here is a titillating sample:
"Did anybody see where I left my old-fashioned clothes?"
"Where's my other shoe? To lose one shoe is unfortunate, but to lose two is . . . F**k! Where is it, where is it?"
"Oh, my bastering head - I'll never drink again."
"Who ate my biscuits?"
"I'm going to the theatre - I wonder will anyone want to come."
• Bored game: Art Hammer!This game (for all the family) comes with lifelike auction hammer and a piece of hard surface. You pretend to sell art at the prices you want to get and the really fun part is that your "art" is just the items in your house! "How much for the settee by Jeff Koons?" Hours of Christmas fun guaranteed. The winner is the person who has collected the least boredom over the course of the game. (Alcohol not included.)
• Toy Hirst Shark Doll- pull string and it says: "I'm dead, I'm a shark, you're an idiot!"
We often read a book by an author and think: "I would love to read more books by that writer." And what do you do? You go out to a bookshop and buy another book. Easy! But what about that feeling when you've just read a book by an author and thought: "I'd love that writer to do some odd jobs about my house." Where can you go? Nowhere! Until now! At AuthorOddjobwe have a roster of highly successful published authors waiting to come round and sort out those niggly little DIY jobs. Fancy a Man Booker winner fixing that rattly bathroom window? Anne Enright's a wiz at latches. Hedges need trimming? Roddy Doyle's got the shears and he's not afraid to use them. Joseph O'Connor - he'll clear your flue. Margaret Drabble will start any job and then be a devil to get hold of. Need a false door? Ask for Salman Rushdie.
For further details, see the New York Review of Booksor Buy and Sell.
• Rocking your stocking: see The Ticket's unique guide to some real festive gifts - movies, music, comedy and games
