Black leggingsBe honest, how good did they actually look when you wore them for the first time in 1986?

Big, hip-length, knobbly knits

They emphasise middle-aged waists rather than hiding them. Besides, we've all got central heating now.

Punk

Okay, so the Sex Pistols - including frontman John Lydon - are reuniting (again) after 30 years. If you were there then, don't even think about it.

Wedge platform heels

They made your calves look fat then, they'll do the same now. Plus they wreck your feet.

Square silk head-scarves and big glasses

Unless you're Sienna Miller incognito, you'll look more like Queen Elizabeth than Jackie O.

Batwing sleeves

Do you want your bosom and upper arms to triple in size overnight? No, we didn't think so.

Babydoll smock dresses

Over 18 and heavier than Twiggy? Forget it.

Bowler hats à la Liza Minelli in Cabaret

Only on teenagers and Liv Tyler.