THE CLOUD: Hi, I'd like to buy a new computer please.Certainly, sir. What kind of computer? A laptop? Desktop? Netbook?

I’d like one of them new cloud computers, please.

Aah, ha, ha. I’m afraid sir may have got the wrong end of the memory stick, there. There’s, ah, actually no such thing as a cloud computer per se.

But I’ve been reading all about it. All the techie blogs say that cloud computing is the future. They say that if you want to keep up with the latest trends in technology, you need to be part of the cloud.

Actually, sir, you don’t need a special computer to do that. The cloud is all the stuff that’s outside your computer – all you have to do is harness it.

So, what exactly is the cloud, then?

Er, well, um, think of it as a vast, amorphous conglomeration of cool stuff that you can access on the web. Virtualisation resources, networking infrastructure, Software as a Service – that sort of thing.

How about some plain speaking as a service?

I know it all sounds a bit vague and nebulous right now, but that’s because the whole cloud computing thing is in the early stages of evolution – soon it will all become clear as day.

Clear as mud, more like. I’m still cloudy about the whole set-up. Is there an actual cloud floating out there, and do I need to purchase an extra doohickey to connect to it?

Christopher Barnatt, associate professor of computing and organisations in Nottingham University, and author of explainingcomputers.com, puts it in a neat little soundbubble: cloud computing “is where data, or software applications, or processing power are accessed from a ‘cloud’ of online resources. It permits individual users to access their data and applications from any device, as well as allowing organisations to reduce their capital costs by purchasing hardware and software as a utility service.”

Well, that’s certainly simplified it for me – I think.

IBM, Google, Microsoft and Amazon are some of the big players in the cloud computing universe. One software company to successfully harness the cloud is Salesforce.com, which provides customer relationship management (CRM) software to businesses over the internet. The only problem is that every tech company under the sun is jumping on to the cloud, rushing to rebrand themselves as “cloud computing” companies, and using every buzzword in the book to make their tired old product seem shiny and supersonic.

So, why do they call it the cloud? It sounds naff, like something off The Matrix.

The cloud has been used as a metaphor for the web for many years, and with the advent of Web 2.0, the word has been upgraded to describe these emerging new ways of interacting online.

Er, what’s Web 2.0?

Don’t ask.

Try at work:"Great, now we're all living in cloud cuckoo land."

Try at home:"They should call it the fog, because I haven't the foggiest notion what they're on about."