This week Con Textlooks at Mass Merchanditis

Doc, I think I'm in a bad way.

What are your symptoms?

I feel fatigued, dizzy, and my eyesight has gone all blurry. I've got a splitting headache, and my feet are sore. Oh, and I've completely lost the will to live.

Hmm, interesting. What were you doing when these symptoms arose?

I was just out doing my usual Christmas shopping, frantically racing around Dundrum Town Centre in search of some last-minute gifts, when - bam! - it felt like a Christmas tree had fallen on top of me.

Ah, I see. Sounds like you've got a touch of mass merchanditis.

Mass what?

Mass merchanditis. There's a lot of it going around at this time of the year.

Is it some rare tropical disease? I did go on safari last month.

No, this disease is mostly confined to retail areas such as shopping malls, high streets and big department stores. And it strikes most often during the colder times of the year - such as Christmas. Mass merchanditis is a debilitating condition caused by too much shopping. The barrage of brand-names, the fevered search for the right size and colour, and the manic handing over of money - all this brings on retail overload, which causes the the body to shut down all major functions. First the eyesight goes, then the power of speech and the ability to walk properly. If it is allowed to go far enough, you become a kind of shopping zombie, shuffling along Grafton Street with a blank stare and mumbling such meaningless things as "I've got nothing done for the Christmas" or "Maybe a gift voucher from BTs?".

Omigod, this sounds like an epidemic.

The condition is compounded by the vast choice of brand names facing the shopper. Should they go for the Abercrombie Fitch top or the Tommy Hilfiger hoodie? Aveda or Jo Malone? What about a stocking filler? Trying to get a stocking filler alone can cause the condition to mutate. And there's a new strain of Mass Merchanditis that's even harder to treat.

What fresh hell is this?

Even after you've unravelled the brain-scrambling array of brands, and worked out which size and colour you need, there's still the small matter of the sterling/euro price differential. With retailers ignoring the near-parity between euro and sterling, and covering the sterling price with black marker, people have to try and work out for themselves how much they're being ripped off. This added stress can induce extreme shopping psychosis.

What are the authorities doing about this outbreak?

Some believe that crack teams of retail therapists should be sent into all shopping hotspots, to counsel shoppers and guide them safely through the retail maze. Others are hoping a vaccine can be developed that will administer small doses of Versace and Dolce Gabbana to help build up the immune system. Extremists, however, think the army should just parachute in and cordon off affected areas.

I think it's a bit too late for that. Is any cure in sight?

Yes. Scientists have discovered that the credit crunch acts as a perfect antidote to Mass Merchanditis. One mention of the double-C word, and victims show signs of remission. They snap out of their shopping-induced trance, put away their non-functioning credit cards, and start looking for cheaper, own-brand goods. Administer the credit crunch for long enough, and they'll abandon the Christmas shopping altogether, deciding simply to make their own presents using old egg-cartons and toilet rolls.

Try at work:"They may look undead, but when they see the '50 per cent off' sign, their eyes will suddenly light up.

Try at home:"You think you've got a headache now? If this box doesn't say Tiffany Co, you'll have an even bigger headache."