SMALL PRINT:THE TWILIGHT SAGA franchise throws up some tough problems. You want to be in the loop, but you don't want to actually sit through the critically derided but commercially booming films.
The new trailer for Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1is perhaps the most action-packed trailer in the history of cinema. So much so that it becomes an indecipherable juggernaut of confusion, impossible to understand unless you've been arguing on Twilightmessage boards for the past three years.
Never fear, we have dissected the full trailer here so nothing gets lost in translation:
0:13seconds An emaciated woman in impressively high black heels carries an envelope on a silver tray through old heavy doors that appear to open automatically. Bit of a crap dinner.
0:21"Resident, Viloco Del Forno 9, Volterra, Italy" the envelope reads.
0:24Vampire guy looking like Draco Malfoy's dad after hitting the Just For Men pretty hard opens the envelope.
0:27Perturbed looking man who we recognise to be Bella's father sits at his kitchen table holding the letter in the envelope. The kitchen has not changed since 1972.
0:29Woman in front of some sort of special effects blue screen with its setting switched to "Hawaii postcard" smiles reading the letter, before walking down a sandy path waving it, evoking Outkast's signature "shake it like a Polaroid pick-tcha" dance move.
0:38Unnecessarily buff teenage boy storms out of a wooden house in the rain before throwing the invitation on the ground. He must be really angry because he takes his shirt off revealing an unnaturally sculpted physique and runs away. In anger. HE'S ANGRY.
0:43Angry boy's wheelchair-bound father comes out of the house shouting "Jacob". He can't catch him though because his son is angry, running in the rain, and most importantly, shirtless.
0:47Man-boy turns into dog-monster thing. Werewolf, possibly.
0:50Wheelchair dad picks up the invitation: "Isabella Marie Swan and Edward Anthony Masen Cullen", the invitation reads. Oh, it's a wedding invitation. Also, "Masen"? Really?
0:56Wedding scene. No sign of Pippa Middleton.
1:13Establishing shot of a cloudy bay. Not the wine brand, the landscape.
1:16Aerial shot of Christ the Redeemer statue. Um, what's going on?
1:20R-Patz breaks a windowsill during a brief "steamy" scene.
1:24Kiss in a waterfall.
1:28Miscellaneous fight.
1:31Werewolf boy, shirt returned, looks over his shoulder.
1:34Miscellaneous fight 2.
1:38. Bella lifts up her top and rubs her belly. Anyone who has ever watched Home & Away knows that means that SHE'S PREGNANT.
1:40"That's impossible" we hear her whisper, before she flinches. One imagines that this is because the baby is kicking, which must be pretty hardcore considering it's a vampire baby.
1:43Shot of a worried, pale, sweating R-Patz who looks like he's just come back from a stag in Riga.
1:50The End
Now, that clears things up, doesn’t it?
