As ' Sex and the City'comes hurtling back towards our screens, KEVIN COURTNEYoffers some tips for men who may wish to avoid spending time with the 'fabulous four'
AROUND THE end of May 2008, Ireland saw a sudden surge of DIY activity, as a million men finally got around to fixing that leaky tap, putting up those shelves or landscaping the entire garden. Around the same time, there was a massive spike in the incidence of man flu, that particularly virulent strain of influenza that attacks only the male of the species.
This weekend, DIY shops around the country had better brace themselves for another stampede of blokes in search of shelving brackets, rubber seals and garden hoses, and GPs’ surgeries had better keep their phone lines clear for the inevitable barrage of calls from guys convinced they are at death’s door.
But fear not: these fellows aren't actually dying – they're suffering from a common condition known as "Carrieosis", which flares up every time a Sex and the Citymovie comes out. Symptoms include sweating, clamminess, discomfort, nausea and – in extreme cases – severe sarcasm, as men face the terrifying prospect of having to accompany their wives or girlfriends to see Sex and The City 2.
Over the next few weeks, while SATC 2 is showing in cinemas, men will be scrabbling desperately for ways to avoid movie theatres.
Elderly aunties will get an overdue visit; gym memberships will be mysteriously reactivated; World of Warcraft will gain an army of new subscribers; long-forgotten drinking buddies will be whisked to the pub; and diseases thought to be long extinct will return, more contagious than ever.
Of course, not all women love SATC. There was no shortage of female critics of the first film instalment. And there is a sizeable number of closet SATClovers among the male of the species, face too.
Cosmopolitan, in its special SATCmicrosite, interviewed a group of straight men to find out what they liked about the Sex and The CityTV series, and came to the conclusion that "next time he rolls his eyes when a rerun comes on, you know he's faking it".
But though we may reluctantly snuggle up with our spouses and endure a half-hour episode of SATC, we baulk at the prospect of spending two hours-plus in the company of the "fabulous four" (in a public place, too — for pete's sake, people might see us). It's still not too late to worm your way out of the date from hell this weekend. Here are a few ideas:
A MAN’S GUIDE TO AVOIDING ‘SEX AND THE CITY’
1 Charity work
Choose a recent natural disaster, and volunteer to fly out and help in the relief effort. It has to be a big disaster, to convince her it's serious enough to miss SATC: "The people of Haiti can wait – Samantha's bikini wax can't!"
2 Fake your own death
Arrange, say, a canoeing accident, and disappear for a month or so. Show up alive and well after it’s all over, and maybe fake a touch of amnesia for good measure: “Four single, fashion-conscious girls in search of love in New York? Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.”
3 Become a Big Brother housemate.
The final series of BB airs in June, so if you can hold her off until launch night, you can retreat safely into the BB house for the summer. Of course, it means you’ll have to spend weeks with people even more unbearable than Carrie Co, but at least you won’t have to pretend you’re enjoying it.
4 Blame the volcano
Fly off on a "business trip", then ring her to say you're stranded by the volcanic ash cloud. Ensconce yourself in a nice, sunny resort with a pina colada, and wait for the whole SATChoo-ha to blow over.
5 Join the priesthood
If you are a man of the cloth, you can legitimately excuse yourself from the SATCclothes-fest. Only problem is, you're generally expected to forego actual sex, and there's always the danger that the bishop might make you stand outside the cineplex with a placard reading "Down with this sort of thing"!
6 Tell her you have a man-crush on Mr Big
She’ll send you straight down to the DIY store faster than you can say “Faaabulous”.
