Monday, June 29th, 1998

Almost everyone in work has stopped talking to me. If this is how they behave and it is still days to the parade, what will it be like later? Three girls, two of whom I always sit with at lunch, changed their lunch time without telling me, so I was left sitting in the canteen on my own. It feels awful.

Tuesday, June 30th

A couple of guys in work said they will walk the Garvaghy Road. I said you probably will. I walked away from them thinking, "I hope you don't, you Orange bigots".

Wednesday, July 1st

The supporters of the Orangemen burned 10 Catholic chapels last night. My God, how can these people hope to win when they have lost even the fear of God? I hope our side won't burn churches in retaliation. We need God on our side.

About eight guys were sitting in the smoke room at work. When I looked up they were staring at me with hate-filled eyes. I went bright red and nearly fell over my own feet trying to get to the back of the machine where they couldn't see me so clearly. The dirty looks and no one talking to me - it's starting to get me down. At 9.30 a.m. I told our team leader I was going home. She asked: "Has anyone said anything to you". I said: "No, that's the problem". They must be talking if she asked me that straight away.

Thursday, July 2nd

I went to work today. There are a few Catholics in the place I work but they would number only about six or seven of more than 100 employees. Two of them came over and said they were glad I had come back. They told me not to let the "Prods" drive me out. I don't know if I an strong enough. I am the only Catholic in my section so I am alone.

The Orange Order still won't talk to us; they have been very quiet. There is talk that if they don't get down the road they will turn off the electricity and water. Everyone is buying candles and saving bottles to store water.

Friday, July 3rd

It's my birthday today. I don't feel much like celebrating somehow. Joanne and Lorraine were working with me today. They have chatted away to me all day, which is such a relief. They also said how sorry they were about the chapels being burnt. I almost cried because someone had the courage and good heart to say something. We got to go home at 1 p.m. I don't have to go back for two weeks. Maybe then things will be back to normal.

Residents' meeting in St Mary's Hall tonight. Rosemary Nelson said at last the law is on our side. Breandan Mac Cionnaith reminded everyone that the community had agreed there would be no drink or trouble towards the police or army. Everyone clapped and cheered. We are a community united, not a puppet of Sinn Fein as we are so often portrayed. We are now surrounded by a ring of steel.

Saturday, July 4th

Steve [husband/partner] and I are marshals tonight along with others. We start at 7 p.m., right through until 1 p.m. tomorrow. Every road into and out of this area is blocked off. We are now under siege.

Sunday, July 5th

I stayed out until 4 a.m. last night. I had to come home. I was falling asleep on my feet and Steve said I should go home, so I did.

Got up again at 8.30 a.m. just as Steve was coming home. Had a shower and went to 10 a.m. Mass in St John's. The chapel is surrounded by barbed wire. The sight of it is frightening - and also sad. We, the Garvaghy Road residents, will talk to anyone at any time, but the Orange [Order] refuses to talk to us. Surely talking would be so much better than this wall of hate to keep us apart.

The Orange Order went to church. I watched them from my bedroom window and I prayed that they would walk home again the same way. But I don't hold out much hope. The Orangemen came from their service, walked up to the police lines, were refused entrance and the stand-off begins.

The dog isn't eating. I wonder if she feels the tension which is so real you can almost see it.

Monday, July 6th

I have just stood in my back garden as a huge crowd of Orangemen and their supporters - both walking and in cars - have gone up to join those already at Drumcree. It is dark, but I have all the house lights out. I'm terrified if they make a break for it they will be right in my back garden. Steve's out doing marshall again. I am alone with the boys . . . What will I do if they attack my house? I don't go to bed until 4 a.m. when Steve comes home.

Tuesday, July 7th

I can't take much more of this. I can't sleep, can't eat; I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.

Wednesday, July 8th

Steve on marshal duty again tonight. I wish he would stay home but I know it is something he feels he has to do, not just for us but everyone in the area. I am so proud of him. He needs to get some rest; he looks exhausted. I know he won't stop, so I say nothing and smile when I see him. There's no point wasting the time we do get together fighting.

Thursday, July 9th

Tonight 15,000 Orangemen and their supporters have gathered at Drumcree. Are the police mad to let this number gather? They are now firing blast bombs and petrol bombs and ball-bearings from high-powered catapults at the police. The TV is telling us there are injured security forces and loyalists.

The noise and flashes have become too much. I get Steve's shotgun. God forgive me, but if they come with petrol bombs to burn my house or hurt my kids, I'll shoot them.

Friday, July 10th

Good news! The Orange Order have agreed to proximity talks with Breandan and the Coalition tomorrow at 9 a.m. We all hope something is sorted out, but we don't trust their (Orange) motives.

Tonight Orangemen and loyalists are rioting with police at Drumcree again . . . Twenty loyalists and four policemen are injured. I have no sympathy for rioters but I can see how the police are doing their best and my heart is beginning to hurt for them and their families.

Saturday, July 11th

Talks between the two sides didn't start until 3 p.m. They couldn't agree on a venue, so agreeing on anything else looks very unlikely. One loyalist rioter shot by a plastic bullet is very ill. I have prayed he is alright. Nothing is worth even one human life being lost.

I knew the Orange Order were up to something while the Residents' Coalition were having talks with them in Armagh. The Orange Order have applied for a new march tomorrow which comes from Drumcree Church, down the Garvaghy Road. So much for the good faith of the Orange Order!

I hate them. I hate them for making me hide in my home in the dark, too afraid to turn on the lights. I hate them for making my children hide in the dark. I hate them for calling us monsters and not human beings. I hate them for making me think of murder. I hate them for making me hate them.

Sunday, July 12th

I wake up to the terrible news that three wee boys - Jason, Mark and Richard Quinn, aged 10, 9 and 7, all brothers - have been burned to death in their home in Ballymoney. The police have said it was a "purely sectarian attack". I wonder if those monsters who did this knew they would murder children. I refuse to think that human beings could knowingly do this.

I can't get those children out of my mind. My son Andrew is sitting clutching his Barney Bear. He has packed his toy computer into his bag and has left it beside the front door. I haven't let him know about those wee boys. I ask him why? He says: "If the Orangemen come, mummy, I have Barney and I will run away with my computer." My God, how can I help my son? He is only 10; one of those wee boys was 10. I go into the bathroom. I sit in the corner on the floor and cry quietly so he can't hear me.

Monday, July 13th

Last night was very quiet . . . Have the Orange Order realised at last what they have done?

I spoke to a few people about letting the Orange Order down the Garvaghy Road and also holding a black flag protest. We talked it through and we realised that if we give in this time, these madmen will think every time they want Catholics to give in, they only have to murder our children.

Tuesday, July 14th

I can't eat, sleep or even tidy the house. I just watch the news, smoke and wonder what is going to happen next. I shout at the kids, then I say sorry and disappear for a wee cry.

The security forces have finally put some barbed wire across the field behind us, so I feel a bit more secure.

Wednesday, July 15th

Gerry Adams came to see us today. He said the dignity and courage we had shown on the Garvaghy Road was an inspiration to nationalists throughout Ireland. an went for a walk through the area. I have met him three times now and each time I am struck by the very calm, honest and genuine man he is. I hope he can keep his people on the path of peace.

Thursday, July 16th

The Church of Ireland has told the protesters at Drumcree to move off church land and has locked the gates to prevent them from gathering there anymore.

Friday, July 17th

I'm sitting in my kitchen. It's almost 10 p.m. and I can hear the sound of many car horns blaring just over the houses. The sound is frightening. My nerves are in tatters. I heard they are going to light their bonfires tonight. They said they wouldn't light them until the Orangemen marched the Garvaghy Road. I suppose they have given up on that idea.

Saturday, July 18th

The protest rally the Orangemen called for last night was a bit of a disaster for them. Over 2,000 turned up, even though there are over 1,200 Orange Order members in Portadown alone. Maybe this is showing how the vast numbers of Orangemen feel about the Drumcree stand-off. I hope so. Even though things seem to be a bit more calm, I am still very nervous and uptight. I keep getting headaches and still can't sleep properly.

Sunday, July 19th

I woke up this morning to find the barbed wire which was defending the field behind my house was gone. In the middle of the night the army had dismantled all the security fences around the Garvaghy Road. The people of this area were not informed of the security scale down and we are afraid.

I go back to work tomorrow. I hope they leave me alone. I hope I get news of another job soon. I don't know how long I will be able to stand it if they don't talk to me and keep giving me dirty looks.

Garvaghy, A Community Under Siege is published by Hibernian Book Services, £8.99 in the UK