Ensuring the safety of children when they go online or outside is a problem all parents now face - but how far should you go, asks Fionola Meredith
TEENAGERS HATE being watched. One of their top priorities is avoiding the beady gaze of parents, whether that means lurking moodily in their rooms (door firmly shut), or making a lightning-fast dive for the minimise button on the computer screen at the sound of a parental footstep.
God forbid that a disapproving parent should catch a glimpse of any online conversation they might be having. As the mother of a 14-year-old boy, I'm familiar with this adolescent lurch towards shiftiness and evasion. But it leaves parents with a dilemma. If our kids aren't telling us anything about their lives, how can we keep a protective eye on their activities?
Given the lack of two-way communication, some parents are going undercover, turning to decidedly sneaky ways of monitoring their monosyllabic offspring. Quick perusals of unattended mobile phones (scrolling hastily through stored text messages) are common, and some parents register with sites such as Bebo or Facebook, with the specific purpose of checking out their children's personal pages.
One couple I know came up with the idea of secretly installing baby monitors in their 15-year-old daughter's bedroom, so they could listen in on her telephone conversations from the comfort of their living room. There they would sit, G and Ts in hand, eyes out on stalks, eavesdropping on their daughter's lurid, expletive-riddled confidences.
Why did they do it in the first place - and did they find out anything disturbing?
"We were worried because our daughter had fallen in with a rough, boozy older crowd," says mum June. "We never discovered anything dreadful, but it was horrible hearing her swear, and talking away about sex in this cocky, loudmouth tone that wasn't really her. And we did feel a bit ashamed of ourselves, a bit sordid, to be spying on her like that."
Desperate times, desperate measures. But with all the high-tech surveillance options increasingly open to worried parents, such behaviour is starting to look old-fashioned. Why mess around with cumbersome baby monitors, or random phone checks, when you can secretly monitor your child's online activity with surveillance software, retrieve deleted text messages with a dinky little gadget, even follow their every movement with GPS tracking, or - in the case of older teenagers - a hidden camera in their car?
WHILE MOST OF USwould find such frenzied scrutiny excessive, teen-tracking is big business in the United States, and it is starting to catch on here, fuelled by parents' fears about cyber-bullying, predatory adults and teenage suicide.
"The end justifies the means, as far as I'm concerned," says Vera, who routinely spies on her oblivious 15-year-old son. "I would never use any information I discover against him. But it's important for me to be aware of significant events happening in his life, in fact, it's my duty."
Vera's defence - prying as a reasonable exercise of parental responsibility - is becoming increasingly common. Online parenting discussion forums resound with similar arguments: "I will always place protection before privacy," says one parent, while another remarks, "It's not a matter of trust for me in my kids; it's who my kids might be trusting that worries me". One darkly warns, "There are many parents out there who now wish they had 'snooped' a little more".
But in the rush towards parental espionage, are we giving in to a form of paranoid hysteria, a a chronic compulsion to control every aspect of our children's lives?
How would we have reacted, as teenagers, if we'd glanced up from an illicit embrace with an unsuitable boyfriend to see Dad in a parked car, watching through a pair of binoculars? Perhaps trust is the real casualty here.
Of course, adolescents themselves are shocked by such underhand tactics. What would my son Aaron think if he knew I was covertly observing him? "I would feel betrayed," he announces solemnly. His friends feel the same, bristling with outrage at the very thought. "I would be absolutely horrified. I would also feel isolated and betrayed by my folks. It shows that they can't trust me and don't think I am of a mature age."
"Everyone has a right to privacy," says Maire (14). Gordon (16) adds, "I'd be angry and creeped-out and betrayed at them going into my private stuff". Daniel (15) admits: "Well, I don't really have much to hide, but they would probably be annoyed to find out what I've seen on YouTube (they are very strict about swearing and age limits). To tell the truth, I'd be pretty pissed."
While parents may seek to reassure themselves that they are acting in the child's best interest, excessive snooping, and the consequent breakdown in trust, could have serious consequences for children's development - perhaps impeding their ability to take responsibility for their own lives.
Psychotherapist and UCD lecturer Colman Noctor says: "No child will gain by being un-trusted. They should be allowed to get things wrong, to make mistakes. They need the space to do that in order to individuate. If they are not allowed to develop, they will either become more secretive, withholding even more information, or they could go the other way, becoming rebellious and gung-ho, indulging in high-risk behaviour."
SARAH NEWTON, a well-known "teen coach", says, "In my mind, [spying] can never lead to a good result. In essence, a successful parent-teen relationship hinges on two things: trust and respect. When you spy on your teenager you are giving out two powerful messages: one, I don't trust you, and two, I don't respect you, your private space and your private time. "That message will seriously damage your relationship and you are more likely to encourage your teenage to act irresponsibly," she says.
So how do you balance trust and the need for supervision? Here's Newton's advice: "Allow them the reins while also putting a container around their behaviour. So, for example, give them free rein of the computer, but let them know occasionally you will check their browser history.
"If they delete the browser history, tell them they cannot use the computer for a week. This is far more trusting than installing spyware that your teenager will most likely be able to figure their way around anyway."
Apart from all other considerations, isn't spying on your child just wrong? Commentator Melanie Read says, "Online teen tracking amounts to a form of internet child-abuse even more potent . . . than the kind which parents seek to prevent in the first place".
Richard Hull, who lectures in ethics at NUI Galway, says that such subterfuge moves into an "unjustifiable invasion of privacy of a fledgling adult". After all, he points out, how would you like it if your teenager posted pictures on MySpace of you reeling home on a Saturday night?
Prying Eyes: spyware for parents
SnoopStick:this colourful gadget looks just like a memory stick, and can be used to install stealth software on to your child's computer, allowing you covert access to their email, instant messaging, and to websites they have visited. www.snoopstick.com
iMonitorPC:This is claimed to be the equivalent of a digital surveillance system for your computer. It can send parents alerts when a child uses specified keywords on social networking sites, and allows access to the entire history of chat room activity. www.iMonitorPC.com
DriveCam:A video event recorder, which is mounted on the windscreen behind the rear-view mirror. Used as part of the US Teen Safe Driver Program, parents receive a weekly report card comparing their teenager's driving with their peers.
"Not signing up is like taking the seatbelts out of your teen's vehicle," claims the site www.drivecam.com.
Deleted Text Message Reader: atiny plug-in which can retrieve text messages that have been stored on the SIM but marked as "deleted" by a mobile phone. www.spystore.ie
GPS tracking device:not marketed as a covert device, but as "a way to take care of those we love", the KoolTrax Ranger will let you know exactly where your child is at any time. According to the website: "A teenager out on the town at night may well want to be picked up at the end of the night. You can set a temporary boundary around the venue and, when they leave you'll receive an alert and know to set off to pick them up promptly". www.bluetreeservices.co.uk
