AILBHE MALONEcan't be tamed

TRACK OF THE WEEK:  Humanoidby Talay Riley. We love some robopop, and it doesn't come more streamlined than Talay Riley. The 20-year-old is a long-time Chipmunk collaborator, but rather than stick to Chip's grimey side, his debut single is a slick, Will.i.am-worthy slice of futro-disco.

- We’re pretty jealous of Beyoncé and Jay-Z most of the time, but since we learned of Hova-and-Bey’s plans for the future, we were so envious we almost got sick. Jay-Z wants to move to a desert island with a “genius chef, cigars and fine wines”. He won’t be alone. “Beyoncé will be on the island too,” he says. Hang on, there’s more. “But I don’t think she plans to get as fat as me. I’m gonna be fat. That’s what I enjoy. That’s the payback for all the hard work.”

- A less happy couple are Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth (below, in happier times). After a year of teen-dream dating, the two have now split. Possible reasons why: (a) She can’t be tamed, (b) She was nodding her head like yeah, or (c) She’s just being Miley.

- Justin Bieber's on a roll! Following last week's chillwave remix, Kanye's got in on the act. Mixing Bieber's Runaway Lovevocals with a classic Wu-Tang Clan track, has K-Weezy given Justin the street cred he longs for? Elsewhere, our little fringed friend has expressed a wish to star in a remake of Grease– with Miley Cyrus as his leading lady. Although she may well now be single, we're not sure that Miley would be down with smooching in the bleachers.

- Presumably off the back of their sterling TV show (we laughed, we cried, we changed the channel) Jedward are now set to star in their own children’s TV show. Claims a source: “They’ve been approached by a big network. As you can imagine, the boys are stoked.”

Stoked? That can’t be good. Quickly, someone, put a towel over their heads to calm them down.