DUBLIN. EARLY 2000
INT. ELEPHANT AND CASTLE RESTAURANT. DAY
Producer Z eating chicken wings, talking on his mobile phone.
PRODUCER Z
. . . It's a classic father versus son story. A warm, uplifting tale of a poverty-stricken Irish family in time of war . . . that's absolutely right, the 1916 Rising gives it an epic cinematic feel without losing the intimacy of this heartbreaking tale . . .
PRODUCER A now arrives, a little breathless.
PRODUCER A Sorry, sorry I'm late.
PRODUCER Z
OK listen, gotta go . . . He puts down the mobile phone.
PRODUCER A
Unbelievable, I waited over an hour for a taxi -
BOTH
Quelle surprise!
PRODUCER A
Then traffic was held up with a lot of ambulances blocking the road outside the Eastern Health Board - something about a bunch of refugees getting treatment for hypothermia. Anyway... (His mobile phone rings.)
PRODUCER A
Sorry, do you mind? . . .
PRODUCER Z
Of course not - will I order you some chicken wings? A nods. Z orders as A talks.
PRODUCER A
HI - Paul! (mouthes to Z) Channel 4. (on phone) You've read the script? Great . . . Yeah, well, I thought so too - you know, now is the time. A post-peace-process action movie - and a comedy too, isn't that inspired? Did you love the central idea of the wife of the former IRA terrorist, and the live-in girlfriend of the loyalist ex-gunman, joining together to start an integrated creche in Andytown? Fantastic! Fax the contract, I'll take a look. Puts down phone.
PRODUCER A
Hey, development deal. So how are you?
PRODUCER Z
Never better - well, except Paula is very upset about our eldest.
PRODUCER A
Moya, the graphic designer?
PRODUCER Z
Yes. You know she moved in with Darren -
PRODUCER A
Advertising Copywriter? -
PRODUCER Z
Exactly - two years ago, against Paula's wishes. I mean I thought what the hell, but Paula had a point; Moya was only 17. Anyway, now they're breaking up . . .
PRODUCER A Mmm . . . friendly, I hope.
PRODUCER Z
Moya caught him in bed with this friend of hers . . .
PRODUCER A
Oooh . . .
PRODUCER Z
. . . . Tom.
PRODUCER A
Ouch!
PRODUCER Z
And the thing is she and Darren had just bought an apartment together for £300,000, and that's going to make the break-up very - you know . . .
PRODUCER A
Lucrative?
PRODUCER Z
. . . Messy. Paula's saying don't break up, get married immediately, 'cause the gay thing will pass, and with the McCreevy budget there'd be a huge tax benefit -
PRODUCER A
Oh, speaking of McCreevy I have to tell you - (BOTH mobile phones ring.)
BOTH
Sorry!
PRODUCER Z
Who's that - I don't believe it. RTE returning my calls . . .
PRODUCER A
Hey Mr S - What's the weather like in New York? . . .
PRODUCER Z
I know you want more socially aware material, and this was quite controversial. It's based on a real incident in 1953 . . .
PRODUCER A
A black folk choir from Nigeria land at Shannon, and disappear . . .
PRODUCER Z
Did you like the scene where the Archbishop character (not McQuaid nudge nudge wink wink!) sacks the cleaning woman because he thinks her skirt is unsuitable? . . . Devastating.
PRODUCER A
They hide out in a small Irish village, you know two pubs and a garage, and of course all the lovable off-the-wall locals think it's great crack . . .
PRODUCER Z
Streep would be perfect as the cleaning woman - or no - Emily Watson is younger, more vulnerable . . .
PRODUCER A
And the city-slicker Detective down from Dublin doesn't know what he's let himself in for - Hilarious!
PRODUCER Z
. . . make a lot of people sit up and realise what it was like to be a woman in De Valera's Ireland. Sure, bye . . .
PRODUCER A
. . . Cool Runnings meets Waking Ned, sounds fantastic . . . bye . . .
(BOTH turn off.)
BOTH
Right - phones off.
PRODUCER A
Where were we?
PRODUCER Z
McCreevy?
PRODUCER A
Oh, yes - I took him to Guilbaud's the other night. I thought, hey, he's taken enough flak lately. Let him know there's someone on his side. Who is sitting two tables away with a few old cronies? . . . CJH. Quaffing Patrick's priciest wines, and entertaining the pals as if time has stood still. Well, so as not to embarrass McCreevy I said nothing, but I really thought - the gall of that old rogue is beyond belief.
PRODUCER Z
Corruption, Al . . . Corruption. Very hard to root it out. Which, in a way, is at the heart of the project I want to talk to you about.
PRODUCER A
Go ahead - excite me.
PRODUCER Z
A corrupt society. It's 1899. Big house in Co Wexford. A sort of fin de siecle feel to it - a way of life that's dying, crumbling under the weight of its own decadence . . . only these characters don't know it . . .
PRODUCER A
Sounds wonderful - Hey . . . isn't this what we always dreamed would happen with this little film industry of ours? People like us finally getting the opportunity to tell the real Irish stories . . .
Gerard Stembridge's second film as writer and director, All About Adam, has its world premiere next month at the Sundance Festival next month. Ordinary Decent Criminal, for which he wrote the screenplay, goes on release in Ireland on January 7th. It is directed by Thaddeus O'Sullivan.
