SO you think Baywatch is nothing but a Hollywood hunkiest? That real people don't look like this? That the Baywatch beefcake couldn't rescue a drowning fly in a glass of Californian carrot juice?
Then you must not have been one of the bemused spectators on the beach at Greystones, Co Wicklow, at the weekend, where 100 certified British and Irish life guards competed in the Royal Life Saving Society's annual National Lifeguard Championships.
Every year, they gather to pit body and mind against a number of daunting tasks that have real life significance. Lifeguarding is the only sport - for it has indeed been recognised as such this year by the Olympic Committee - in which the playing "fields" of beach and surf are also the competitors' stages for real life and death drama. Competition events, such as the surf race, paddleboard rescue, run swim run, and surf ski rescue, are all based on skills that save lives.
To do these things well requires a high level of fitness. And there was no doubting that the runners entered in Saturday's beach race were very, very fit, as seven bronzed men in Speedos pounded across the sand, sporting broad shoulders and washboard stomachs.
Given that Greystones found itself with more lifeguards per square foot of sand than even Pamela Anderson would know what to do with, one could only assume the rather redundant St John's Ambulance crew were there to revive women overcome by so many acres of bare pectorals and biceps.
But there's seriousness along with the attractive scenery. Eddie Duffy, one of the Irish organisers for the competition, notes that the championships are "the sporting side of lifeguarding". Indeed, "in some ways, I find myself worrying very slightly that the sport may, take over from the real purpose, says English RLSS director Stephen Lear. Not for the competitors, that is, but for the public, who might forget that lifeguards are also highly trained professionals who just happen to wear small bathing suits to work.
Lear is watching a race in which four men are paddling furiously out into a choppy sea in narrow surf "skis" - a rescue kayak that has been stretched like toffee into a sleek fibreglass needle, good for swiftly piercing waves when trying to reach someone drowning in the surf.
"It seems very masochistic from the beach, but I think once you get out there, you really get into it," he suggests. Further down the beach, a crowd of women are racing towards the cold surf carrying rescue "torpedoes", lozenge shaped floats attached to ropes which are thrown to panicking swimmers. They have to swim out to a group of offshore buoys then back, dragging the torpedoes behind them.
The toughest event in the championships is the "Ironman", in which men and women must compete across four events: running, swimming, paddleboarding and using the surf ski. In lifeguarding, one has to be capable in many skills.
"I like comparing it with the decathlon," says organiser Declan Harte, who is also doing the announcing for events in between blasts of Enya and the Beach Boys on the huge PA system. "Everyone has their favourites and specialities, but, you have to be an all rounder."
This is the first time in 25 years of competitions that Ireland has hosted the event.
"For years we've been sending teams over to compete in England, and it was felt the time was right for them to come over here," says Harte. Despite a windy and rainy Irish weekend, the British teams seemed happy enough to be here.
"Absolutely thriving on it," insisted Michael Comiskey, who pointed out that the charms of Guinness had particularly appealed to the Edinburgh team the previous night. Comiskey runs Sthoee, the sole Irish club in the championship (pronounced "stowy", the letters stand for "Slag The Hell Out of Everyone Else", known more formally as the Dublin Life Saving and Lifeguarding Club).
He was dismissive of any negative feelings the visitors might feel about waking in soggy team tents only to dive into cold surf.
"You only get wet once!" he laughs. "They were straight out of bed and into their wetsuits and they've never looked back."
The Sthoee team was waiting for one of the more challenging, and entertaining, team events, the "Incident", in which a lifesaving disaster is staged, with great histrionics from the lifeguard "actors". Teams are marked for their responses to the scenario, which on Saturday included drownings, injured backs, falls, surf rescues, hysterical mothers and troublesome bystanders.
What is most difficult about the competition?
"Just being fit enough and dealing with the cold," says team member Ita Fitzmahony.
"And at the end of the day, when you're doing it for real, you hope the training works out," says fellow member Paul Ryan. "Then, all of a sudden, you're on your own."
