BEING a bit of a rock'n'roll gambler (I'd have a wager on Oasis selling 10 million copies of their third album), I phoned up William Hill Bookmakers to put a little flutter on the UK Christmas Number One. Alas, the book had already been closed on favourites The Spice Girls, so it looks as if Mel B, Mel C, Emma, Geri and Victoria will be galloping past the finishing post ahead of the competition. Unless, of course, the current Number One the Dunblane single, Knockin' On Heaven's Door holds the top spot for the second week in a row. However, the man at William Hill made it clear that his company would not take bets on Dunblane, out of respect for the bereaved families of the 16 children killed in that dreadful massacre. So here's the list of contenders for Christmas Number One, and William Hill will still pay out if your bet makes Number Two behind Dunblane:
The Spice Girls: "2 Become 1"
(Virgin)
Odds: 118 Favourite
The Spice Girls become one for the third time in a row, only this time they'll be perched at the top during pop's most crucial psychological period. 2 Become 1 is a spicy seasonal ballad, and it will make all hot blooded males rush for their mistletoe.
Madonna: "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" (Warner)
Odds:14/1
Maddy plays Evita with full pomp and ceremony, no doubt hoping to wipe Julie Covington's 1977 hit version from our collective memory. This could nudge in on the hype and grandeur of Alan Parker's movie version of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, and the song does conjure up a very Christmassy atmosphere. All the same, I can't help thinking this would be bigger if Robson & Jerome were covering it.
Toni Braxton: "Un-Break My Heart" (LaFace)
Odds:25/1
The lovely Ms Braxton is not the kind to get intimate all at once. No, she prefers the gradual build up, and this ballad of Ieurrrve has climbed the Top 5 step by step, going up one place each week until it now hovers at Number 2. Will she go all the way? Will she reach the pinnacle of pop pleasure? Will she take that one last step to chart heaven? It's anybody's bet.
Celine Dion: All By Myself"
(Epic)
Odds:3311
The French Canadian pop diva is definitely hoping to outdo Madonna in the big, epic ballad stakes, choosing this Eric Carmen tune from the same era as Evita, and giving it so much welly, you can almost smell the burning rubber. It's probably a good thing that Celine is all by herself people in the room with her might have their eardrums shattered by her climactic, over the top delivery.
Boyzone: "A Different Beat"
(Polydor)
Odds:50/1
Odds are low on this one, mainly because it's already been Number One. But after such a successful 1996, the boyz will still have plenty to sing about.
Mark Morrison: "Horny"
(WEA)
Robert Miles featuring Maria
Nayler: "One & One" (deConstruction)
Whitney Houston:"Step By Step"
Odds:66/1
The Mack returns for the festive season, and judging from the title of his latest single, he's hoping to pull a Christmas cracker. Robert Miles seems to share a similar grasp of mathematics to The Spice Girls, but they've got him well licked in the chemistry department. Whitney Houston brings out another lip-trembling tune, high on technique and low on memorability.
The Smurfs: "Your Christmas Wish" (EMI TV)
Mike Flowers Pops: "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" (Love This)
Odds:100/1
My Christmas wish is that those lovely little blue men make the top spot where they belong. But the odds are too high, so I'll pass on that one. Mike Flowers has either lost all sense of irony, or his sense of irony has become so sharpened, we mortals can't see it. Perhaps Mike should try covering a Smurfs song I mean, he does have a penchant for bright blue suits.
No Way Sis: "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" (EMI)
Odds:150/1
This is the New Seekers cover of a Coca-Cola ad, done in the style of Oasis' Cigarettes And Alcohol, which itself borrowed the riff from I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing. Ironic enough for ya? Sadly, this seasonal Oasis parody looks like it won't beat Mike Flowers' 1995 rendition of Wonderwall.
