1: "Ironic" decor: that polyester 1970s look went out for a reason y'know.

2: Celebrity DJs: £22 to watch some bloke with a tan play the Basement Jaxx album? I don't think so.

3: Drum 'n' bass: make it stop. Please. My ears are bleeding.

4: Chemical bores: five Es, four lines of coke, three wraps of speed? Man, you are such a LUNATIC. Be seeing you at the Alzheimer's clinic!

5: Sad men in their 30s: just because you could pick up a woman in every nightclub in Mullingar doesn't mean you'll be successful here. So stop patting my girlfriend's arse.

6: Stoned dancers: shouldn't you be at home listening to Dark Side of the Moon?

7: Short girls in tall shoes: convent school pig-tails, tied-dyed maternity frocks, pink astronaut boots - and they said clubbers had no sense of humour!

8: Fat Boy Slim: "borrowed" heavily from the Chemical Brothers; begat a zillion insipid big beat pretenders (Wiseguys, Propellorheads, Apollo Four Forty take a bow); regarded as a "happening" act by 2FM listeners. Ooooh Norman - you are evil.

9: "Minimalist" club flyers: big Peter Saville fans are we then?

10: Pretentious bars: you can shove your mineral water/alcopops - I want BEER! NOW!!