Dublin city and surrounds

Temple Bar may be the "official" alternative Dublin, but you have to cross the street from the cultural quarter to visit the site once occupied by one of the city's newest attractions - Ireland's most exotic bank.

The city on the Liffey has always been famous for Guinness but, until very recently, the former Guinness and Mahon premises in College Green was a jealously guarded secret among sun worshippers.

Only the steady trail of well-tanned businessmen through its sober portals gave a hint of the famous "Ansbacher Deposits" within - which, although they were in Dublin, were simultaneously in the Cayman Islands!

The deposits have since passed to other shores, but some of the bank's old glamour lingers on. And if you stand in the lobby and close your eyes, you may just still be able to hear the Caribbean lapping softly about your feet.

When you've dried your shoes, however, a 10-minute walk will take you to the National Gallery; home to Ireland's Most Cultured Insects - the biscuit beetles. The Taking Of Christ used to be the gallery's pride and joy, but since they were discovered trying to absorb the Caravaggio masterpiece earlier this year, the art-loving beetles have replaced it in the public's heart. They have since disappeared. However, experts believe they could already be working on a plan to devour the gallery's fine Rembrandt in the near future.

From the National Gallery, you should cross the River Liffey to Upper O'Connell Street, a little slice of Miami in downtown Dublin. If you have the time, linger a while at the Anna Livia Fountain, which local business people have wittily nicknamed "the biggest crime magnet in the city centre". Then, after checking you still have your wallet, move on and take the Malahide Road north of the city, heading for Kinsealy.

If you're feeling like a cup of tea, there is simply no place in Dublin better than Abbeville, James Gandon's Georgian masterpiece, these days run by the legendary caterer Charles J. Haughey. If Mr Haughey is in when you call, he may even make your tea himself. There is no admission charge at Kinsealy, but donations towards the upkeep of the house are at the discretion of the visitor. (And we stress the word discretion.)

From Kinsealy, head south again for the city centre. But before you leave the northside, especially if you're passing by on match day, why not drop into Croke Park and treat yourself to one of its world-famous hot dogs?

Outside Dublin

A tour of Ireland would not be complete without a day spent watching well-bred young colts and fillies frolicking in the paddocks of Kildare. In this respect, few places are better than Blackhall Stud, where the lively goings-on featured in a High Court action earlier this year.

Unfortunately, the house is not open to the public, so you'll have to wait for one of those much-sought-after party invitations if you want to take in some of its famous attractions, like the "four or five" ground-floor bathrooms.

For those lucky enough to get accommodation, Blackhall Stud has a number of family-sized rooms (some with three beds). But be warned, it isn't always possible to get a good night's sleep.

Tipperary

After a few days in racy Kildare you may need to relax awhile, and where better than pastoral mid-Tipperary?

Life moves slowly in Tipperary and so does the traffic, especially around the village of Holy Cross. This is because of the mesmeric effect of one of the finest examples of late 20th-century Irish architecture, known colloquially as "Lowry's house extension".

Owned by a refrigeration engineer and former Minister, this too is closed to the public, unfortunately. But if you're lucky, you might just catch a glimpse of the great refrigerator at home, cooling his heels.

Incidentally, Holy Cross also boasts a restored 12th-century abbey which is now, sadly, best-known for the fact that Cranberries singer Dolores O'Riordan got married there in her knickers. (Some observers thought Ms O'Riordan's wedding dress was only slightly more see-through than Mr Lowry's explanation to the Dail, but it wasn't nearly as long.)

From Tipperary, take the road south towards Waterford.

The Southeast

Near Tramore are the impressive ruins of Celtworld, a fine example of a late 20th-century monolithic tourist facility. Historians are unsure exactly what it was, but its entrance is believed to have been aligned in such a way that, in mid-summer, thousands of tourists would flock in. Unfortunately, the calculations were just a little off.

En route to Cork, you might consider a detour to Dungarvan, a pleasant seaside town which became world famous in September 1995 because of a rumour about AIDS.

The rumour, which occurred in a particularly virulent form, wreaked havoc among high-risk groups such as journalists, who in turn attacked the town's immune system, destroying all resistance in the space of a week.

After about 10 days, the story finally petered out and the media circus left town, as you should do now via the Youghal road.

Cork

Many Irish towns have become associated with successful films and, naturally, the alternative guide to Ireland is not interested in any of them. Much more interesting is Ballycotton, where the ill-fated Divine Rapture started in 1995 and finished in tears.

The film may have been an abject failure but it did give one enterprising cameraman the opportunity to photograph Marlon Brando in what could be charitably termed his underpants. The image will live on in the memory much longer than any of us would like it to.

Kerry

Kerry simply ooozes romance and the compulsory stop for romantics is Inch, where the love affair between "Annie and the Bishop" was consummated. Perhaps only the Bronte country of west Yorkshire can compete with the savage beauty of the countryside where Annie Murphy's love took flight "on gossamer wings". (Not far north of here, incidentally, is Shannon airport, from which Bishop Casey later took flight on Aer Lingus wings.)

From the end of the Dingle Peninsula at Dunquin, you can now also get a view of Charlie Haughey's island of Inishvickillane. This used to be enveloped in a permanent mist, but then the prevailing winds changed and now everybody can see it clearly for the first time.