The Plane Person's Guide to Air Travel

The crew of the Knock-bound British Airways flight forced to crash-land in Manchester has been complimented for controlling the…

The crew of the Knock-bound British Airways flight forced to crash-land in Manchester has been complimented for controlling the rising panic on board the aircraft when, as the papers reported, New Yorker, Margaret Jeffrey, wearing a Stetson hat and high heels, began singing country-and-western songs including "An Okie from Muskogee". The pilot said later that repeated simulator sessions had given the crew the confidence to cope with such terrifying emergencies - "though Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal-Posts of Life is a real test".

Jimmmy Crowther from Manulla Junction was on his way home to a wedding in Ballyhaunis and noticed Ms Jeffrey in her distinctive cowboy gear immediately she got on board: "I could feel the tension rising when Margaret began to introduce herself personally to everyone on board and then started strumming a twelve-string guitar. Things began to get difficult about 15 minutes after take-off when she got into Lay the Blanket on the Ground, but D.I.V.O.R.C.E. had us all sweating".

Crossmolina footballer, Michael Crowthers, a passenger on the flight returning home for a league semi-final, said there wasn't much talking when the crisis began in earnest: "Everybody was praying in their own particular way that Margaret would give it a rest, or at least forget a verse or two. But she was word-perfect. Still, it's a tribute to the cabin crew that nobody panicked. Everybody was remarkable cool and polite considering it was such a traumatic situation."

Bill Sharkey, a Bonniconlon man, and himself a retired pilot, was impressed with how the aircraft crew handled the crisis but suggested that they might have informed ATC (Air Traffic Control) somewhat sooner: "They're the lads who would have known how to sort out Margaret and her music". As the plane prepared to land, passengers were asked to remove false teeth and spectacles and assume the crash-landing position. Meanwhile, Ms Jeffrey was asked to remove her Stetson hat and high heels: "I don't know what this was supposed to achieve," said Bill Sharkey. "It didn't stop her launching into "Momma, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys."

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Jimmy Crowther said he didn't really blame the crew. "They did everything they could, but Margaret just kept singing. That's the way it is with country-and-western performers. Normally, I have nothing against them, and Margaret has quite a pleasant voice, but I just didn't want to spend my last moments in this world listening to the words of "You Flushed My Love from the Bathroom of Your Heart".

On the other hand, Mary O'Dea of Cloonfad said she found Ms Jeffrey's singing oddly comforting. "As we were about to hit the ground, the last thing I remember was Margaret crooning `I don't care if it rains or freezes, so long as I got my plastic Jesus'. I can tell you I won't forget those words in a hurry."

All right. Not very funny. But following the crash-landing at Manchester I was impressed with remarks made by Captain Paul Wilson, a former British Airways pilot and training consultant. He said that dealing with undercarriage failure can be tricky, but it is something pilots experience regularly in simulation: "Generally, it falls into the Bloody Nuisance category rather than the My God We're All Going to Die category".

It is nice to know that all potentially dangerous aviation problems are so carefully categorised. I have had access to the list and for regular air travellers it makes comforting reading.

Wing falls off during flight: Bloody Nuisance Grade 2, likely to upset more nervous passengers. Action to be taken: obscure window views, offer more coffee.

Duty-free drink supply runs out: Minor Worry Grade 3. Offer more coffee. If Irish aboard, Grade 1 Emergency, return to base and restock.

Passes made at stewardesses: Petty Offence Grade Eleven (negligible). No action.

No passes made at stewardesses: Consumer Resistance Alert Grade 1. Contact Personnel Department, review staff qualifications.

There is lots more of this stuff and it just goes to show how seriously the airlines take customer well-being and the safety of the aircraft.