Chocolate and roses are fine, but keeping romance alive takes hard work, relationship expert Malcolm Stern tells Grace Wynne-Jones.

Falling in love is fabulous, everyone knows that. As you bathe in the glow of candlelit dinners and passionate kisses, how grateful you are that this gorgeous person has found you. As a writer of novels that explore the heart's longings I have described this blissful scenario many times, but I also feel great tenderness for any character who steps eagerly into the love jungle. This is because I know that while trudging through the undergrowth they will learn truths about love that they didn't particularly want to know. And those truths can make their love deeper.

Relationship experts can do some tough talking when it comes to romance, and psychotherapist Malcolm Stern is one of them. "Romantic love is the confidence trick of the universe," he declares. "Why would anyone want to merge their neuroses with another without falling in love?" But before you chuck away your Valentine's cards and head off to the pub, take heart. Stern isn't rubbishing the idea of love itself. He is even the author of a book called Falling In Love, Staying In Love (Piatkus) and he wrote it because "any idiot can fall in love but staying in love is an ongoing discipline".

Reality relationships are Stern's forte. Some years ago he was a co-presenter on Channel Four's reality TV series Made For Each Other, in which couples were filmed in their homes and then given advice on how to salvage their relationships. Each partner had to change and grow in various ways and it proved that family life isn't always a family show. This was because, though we may initially be attracted to how different someone is to us in various ways, Stern believes that after a while "we want to mould someone in our own image".

According to Stern, when eyes meet across a crowded room it's because the suddenly besotted are saying to themselves "My! What a divinely damaged neurosis".

"We get attracted to the neurosis that matches our own," he continues. This accounts for the wonderful sense of completion we feel, but there's a slight snag. The beautiful spontaneity we admired in someone may one day seem chaotic, or the comforting tidiness may begin to feel restrictive.

One way out of this impasse is to cultivate the qualities we once admired in someone in ourselves, but this can feel like most unattractive homework. "Ultimately we don't want to change but evolution wants to change us," Stern explains. So the initial attraction is "quite wise and is for our growth".

But what if only one person wants to grow and the other insists that everything is just fine? If you feel you've done what you can, you could choose to leave the relationship and it may be important to leave, Stern acknowledges.

"Or you could create an environment in which it is easier for them to open up if they eventually choose to." But wising up on love and what it asks from us can often save a relationship and deepen our self knowledge. "Recognise that you would rather be happy than right," Stern advises. "The skill here is recognising who is more distressed about the issue you're discussing. If it's no big deal to you, let it go."

Though being honest about needs is very important, we also need to learn to express those needs in ways that don't cause unnecessary emotional suffering. "But also be aware that more damage is often caused by not trying to hurt someone," Stern adds.

For example: "Don't start off a relationship by trying to be a perfect partner. Acknowledge your own needs from the beginning and make sure you get your timing right," Stern says.

Avoid blaming statements. Instead say, for example, "if you don't ring when you are going to be late I feel like you don't care". Try not to make the other person wrong and never try to negotiate new ground in the middle of an argument.

"Wait until you calm down," Stern says. "Men have a propensity to back away from conflict and it's best not to chase them." Of course, when love first arrives it seems almost effortless, but according to Stern this blissful state tends to last "for about six weeks to two years". After that the work of staying in love starts, but some people simply find someone else and "create the same thing again". This is because one of the hardest things to accept about love is that the relationship that makes our hearts soar may one day become the place where we face our deepest fears, resentments and disappointments.

"The main point I like to get across about relationships is that conflict is inevitable," Stern states. "We all have different needs and getting our needs met often requires negotiation. Learning how to do this and to understand what others need is a lifelong task." Apparently the main sources of conflict in relationships tend to be the inability to communicate needs, power struggles, money issues, sex and children.

"In business they often talk of 'win win' situations, when both partners benefit from a negotiation, and the same needs to happen in relationships," Stern explains. Sexual problems are usually caused by something else in a relationship that is not working well. "They are often caused by a breakdown in communication. Again it's about learning to assert your own needs."

Many couples sail along happily until they have children. "Parents need to learn how to support each other and to ask for more support if they need it," Stern advises. "Make time for whatever you enjoyed doing before you had children, but also realise that relationships do go through barren periods and then come out of them."

Nurturing mutually supportive and honest friendships is also important because no partner can meet all your social needs, and it's also important to learn how to nurture yourself. But there may be times when friends and self-help are not enough and you need to see a counsellor. Stern himself will be running a residential workshop called The Courage to Love in Co Wicklow this September (details at www.chrysalis.ie). And when he speaks about the courage to love he also explores the courage to change because that, it seems, is what lasting love requires.

His key advice for St Valentine's Day is to "stop looking at what the other person can do for you. Do it for them". For example, if your beloved regularly brings you tea in bed, get up and put the kettle on. And if the magic seems to have left your relationship ask yourself what you are doing to bring back the sparkle.

And what should people who are not in relationships be looking for in a partner? "A good sense of humour," Stern advises, "and similar aspirations to what they want out of life. Also kindness and good companionship. Someone who they can be good friends with too. You need someone you can relate to on a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level."

After reading Stern's advice, singles may be rather relieved that they didn't get a St Valentine's card from a significant other. Is all the hard work he advises really worth the effort? "Yes." Stern answers emphatically. "Because you take a journey of discovery together and reap the benefits of having someone who really loves and supports you. You create your own best friend."

Grace Wynne-Jones's novel Ordinary Miracles is published by Accent Press on Feb 19 (€10.75).

Five tips for a top relationship

1. Try to understand your partner before you try to get them to understand you, and ask yourself what you can do for them instead of what they can do for you.

2. Don't go to sleep on a fight. Both partners need to know the importance of this.

3. Sometimes you can't sort something out in one go. You don't need to walk away from a problem. Say, "We are struggling with this issue, let's make time to discuss it later".

Also there are some times you need to be willing to let some things go.

4. When stuck, get support. Don't expect your partner to fulfil all your needs. Have friends who can see other perspectives and who don't just agree with you if you say, "He is awful".

5. Be willing to say "sorry", but only if you mean it.