CULTURE SHOCK:IN ONE of the many idle moments spent compiling playlists for my iPod, I had a flash of inspiration. It struck me that what this country needs more than anything else is the new Riverdance – a musical spectacle to lift our hearts, stun the world and magically get us out of recession. The great thing is the soundtrack for The Rise and Fall of the Celtic Tiger: The Musical already exists. It will go something like this:
The Boomtown Rats
Banana Republic
Sung by the depressed chorus of the Plain People of Ireland in awful 1980s fashions: “Banana republic/ Sceptic isle/ Screaming in the suffering sea/ Sounds like dying (dying, dying).”
The Smiths
Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want
Sung by the Ryanair Generation chorus: “Good time for a change/ See, the luck I’ve had/ Can make a good man/ Turn bad/ So please, please, please/ Let me, let me, let me/ Let me get what I want/ This time.”
Miley Cyrus
Party in the USA
Sung by Mary “Boston not Berlin” Harney, dancing with charts showing the Clinton boom: “Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song/ And now I’m gonna be okay/ Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!/ Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!”
The Prodigy
Firestarter
Sung by Charlie “when I have it, I spend it” McCreevy as he doles out cash to property developers: “I’m a firestarter, terrific firestarter/ I’m the self-inflicted, mind detonator/ Yeah, I’m the one infected/ Twisted animator.”
Elbow
The Fix
Sung by Bertie Ahern as he rakes in his winnings at the racetrack: “The fix is in/ There’s a nag gonna dance home at Epsom/ The fix is in/ Can’t wait to see how it upsets ’em.”
Motley Crue
Planet Boom
Sung by the entire cast and crew: “Boom over there, boom everywhere, boom over here/ Do it till you gotta give it up/ Welcome to planet boom/ Planet boom.”
Black Flag
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme
Sung by a chorus of demented shoppers: “Gimme gimme gimme/ I need some more/ Gimme gimme gimme/ Don’t ask what for.”
KD Lang
Close Your Eyes
Sung by the financial regulator Patrick Neary, with backing vocals by a massed chorus of stockbroker economists: “If I were near you, would you feel me there?/ Say nothing, nothing, now close your eyes/ Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes.”
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Easy Money
A duet for the European Central Bank and a first-time house buyer: “Easy money/ Rain it down on the wife and the kids/ Rain it down on the house where we live/ Rain until you got nothing left to live/ And rain that ever-loving stuff down on me.”
The Prodigy
The Omen
Sung by Prof Morgan Kelly, while Bertie Ahern throws various instruments of self-harm from the wings: “The writing’s on the wall/ It won’t go away/ It’s an omen/ You just run on automation.”
Antimatter
The Art of a Soft Landing
Sung by the massed chorus of the government, the banks and the property developers: “Losing the game and the deck’s uneven/ The building blocks of ruin/ I’m going insane with my eyes wide open.”
The Magnetic Fields
Sinking Boat
Sung in melancholic harmony by David McWilliams, George Lee and a chorus of journalists: “In the middle of night/ With a sickening sound/ This little boat/ Ran aground/ The mast is twisted/ The hull is breached/ One more tide and it’ll be beached.”
Martha Wainwright
Bloody Motherf**ing Asshole
Sung by the Plain People of Ireland as showers of excrement fall on their heads: “You bloody motherf***ing asshole(s)/ Oh you bloody motherf***ing asshole(s)/ Oh you bloody motherf***ing asshole(s).” Repeat ad infinitum.
Madness
Shut Up
Alternate verses sung by Bertie Ahern, Brian Cowen, Sean Fitzpatrick, Mary Harney and Charlie McCreevy: “I tell you I didn’t do it/ ’Cos I wasn’t there/ Don’t blame me, it just isn’t fair/ I’m as honest as the day is long/ The longer the daylight, the less I do wrong/ Now pass the blame and don’t blame me/ Just close your eyes and count to three.”
LCD Soundsystem
Tribulations
Sung by the bankers’ chorus: “Get your payments from the nation/ For your trials and tribulations.”
Manic Street Preachers
Black Holes for the Young
Sung by Brian Lenihan as he tips sacks of cash into Anglo Irish Bank: “You’ve got some black holes for the young/ You won’t feel it when it’s gone/ You’ve got some black holes for the young/ You won’t know when it’s gone, when it’s gone.”
Green Day
Get Over It
Sung by Brian Cowen, with robotic voice effects: “It’s casting over/ It’s just one of those things/ You’ll have to get over it/ Hey, you gotta get over it/ Hey, you gotta get over it.”
The Magnetic Fields
You Must Be Out of Your Mind
Sung in reply by the chorus of the Plain People of Ireland: “You think you can leave the past behind/ You must be out of your mind/ You think you can simply press rewind/ You must be out of your mind/ I want you coming back to me/ Down on your knees, yeah/ Like an appendectomy sans anaesthesia.”
Reprise: The Boomtown Rats Banana Republic
Sung by the depressed chorus of the Plain People of Ireland in awful 2010 fashions: “Banana republic/ Sceptic isle/ Screaming in the suffering sea/ Sounds like dying (dying, dying).”
Ice T
Shut Up, Be Happy
Sung by Brian “Positivity” Cowen: “Shut up, be happy/ Obey all orders without question/ The comfort you demanded is now mandatory/ Be happy/ At last everything is done for you.”
Have your say: Who would be on your soundtrack to the Celtic Tiger musical? Tell us in the comments below.
