VICTORIA GALLAGHER-O'HOULIHANrecalls her horrible year

THE year 2010 is not one I shall look back on with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more supportive fellow tweeters, it has turned out to be an “annus horribilis”.

To the outsider, getting paid stacks of money to swan around the Cannes Film Festival and ponder Rihanna’s underpants must appear like a cushy number. But the outsider probably didn’t get a Lavazza machine for Christmas when

they specifically asked for a Nespresso. Or maybe the outsider knows a way in which you can discuss the merits of George Clooney’s endorsements when you don’t even have a George Clooney machine. Hmmm? You’ve got some nerve, outsider.

Even when you have the right sort of coffee, writing is hard. You have editors breathing down your neck for copy every three weeks, you have legal people telling you it’s not acceptable to make things up about the Xposé girls, you have management telling you that doing a hot-tub scene in Fade Street is not in keeping with their idea of journalism. Who knew that newspapers won’t accept copy in text speak? WH KNW?

There are so many rules here it's like joining the Oprah Book Club. You can't write about The X Factorin every column. Gráinne Seoige's dress is not "of sufficient cultural interest". You can't keep mentioning Gallagher-O'Houlihan Frozen Orange Juice Concentrate.

Well, I’ve had enough. In 2011, I promise to report on the stories that truly matter. Like Cheryl Cole. And newborn zoo animals. And Cheryl Cole.

It’s time for me to Take What’s Mine ©. Last week I received the most amazing Book ©. What looked like an inconsiderate stocking filler has turned out to be a life-changing experience. The Book © (or more accurately The System ©) shows you how you can channel magnetic rays, lose weight, take control, stay focused, quit carbs forever and get exactly what you want.

As I haven’t been to the three- day San Diego-based training seminar yet, I’m not completely qualified to explain how the Take What’s Mine © System © works. But I know it does.

First you visualise what you want and write down how you might achieve it. Then, for a nominal fee, you visit the Take What’s Mine © website and register your details, credit card and a shortlist of names you were planning on calling any children you might have now or in the future. Your Take What’s Mine © dojo is assigned according to the frequencies entuned from your email. She plots out your goals on a star map that you print out and hang up on every wall in your house.

Then, for only 89 cents a time, your Take What’s Mine © dojo reminds you of your goals and how to achieve them every hour. Each text carries good vibes and a Personalised Universe Signature © to help you on your way.

The System © appears to work best on a low-fat, low-sugar diet supplemented by Gallagher- O’Houlihan Frozen Orange Juice Concentrate.

I’m entuning a Happy New Year.