Paul Colgan has fond memories of his holiday in Thailand. There was the sea, the sand and, most of all, the spelling
It was first noticeable in Petchaburi, a small fishing town about 100 miles south-west of Bangkok. It had a limited tourist industry and the few English-language street signs were curious.
On the main drag was a No Problem Shop selling clothes. Next to our hotel was a store named Smart Brain. It appeared to be an Internet cafe. The only pub we came across was called 56-2 Bar.
These charming but silly names, which you find across Thailand, greatly enhance the kingdom's entertainment value for tourists.
Thai and English differ on some of the most fundamental points of language. Thai does not have tenses for verbs, for example. "I went" and "I will go tomorrow" are expressed as "Yesterday I go" and "I go tomorrow".
Thai advertisements are perfectly clear in what they say; it is how they say it that is odd. It leads to the most delightful expressions - and to prose of a style found nowhere else. Their attempts to make everything sound as western as possible result in brutally Anglo-American names such as Star Planet Bar for a pub.
Businesses are spending good money on signs, sometimes with disastrous results. A clothes store in Hua Hin, further down the coast, had chosen to trade under the name Your Style, an acronym of You'll Obtain Unforgettable Results. Satisfaction. Trust. Your choics \. Liability. Economical.
There were oddities everywhere. To sweeten your coffee you used Top Sugar, the packet advising it was "For the goodtime". Not for the bad time, decidedly. In every bus station you could go to the fridge marked Daily Cool to select your Milk and Drink.
A dark and Spartan bar in Ko Pha Ngan, an island in the Gulf of Thailand, had a sign written in red crayon on white cardboard. "RELAX CORNER!", it said, "Lovely Girls!" There was nobody around, the sign was in the middle of the bar - not in a corner - and it appeared no different from the rest of the pub.
In nearby Cactus Bar you could drink a Kamiga3e cocktail. A wooden board near our rooms beseeched guests: "Please Slowly Drive S Keep Quiet."
In Bangkok we learned that Kylie Minogue had a hit in the Thai charts with a song called Can't Get You Blue Monday Out of My Head, and we found movies advertised on Phi Phi island starring an actor called Blad Pitt. Doubtless he was married to Jennifer Aliston and when visiting Thailand drank some of the cold and smooth "fruit shase" available at street stalls.
There were pubs named after every English man's name imaginable. On Phuket there was a Tom Bar, and a diligent search would no doubt uncover pubs named after every Dick and Harry, too. Others flaunted their seediness with names such as Cock Pit Bar, Lips Bar, Full Monty Bar and the unashamed Hard Cock Cafe.
The most amiable I found, however, was the Mini Series of Sound on Phuket, which could only be an unfortunate corruption of the famous Ministry of Sound in London.
'RESTAURANT" can be a tricky word to spell for anyone, even a patron of one in an English-speaking town. But SK Home, a guesthouse on Ko Pha Ngan, did not even attempt to get it right with its sign, in hand-painted purple lettering on whitewashed chipboard, hung by a string from a tree. "Room Avail. Restaruaraut. Thank You."
On Ko Pha Ngan there were many signs alerting you to "rooms for reat". An Internet cafe in Hua Hin was just a couple of letters away from hitting the jackpot with an expensive-looking lacquered sign in the window advising its computers had "high bnadwith". Even the guitar I bought in the port town of Krabi, a beautiful hand-finished instrument, had a label inside saying: "Special and Carefully Made for Players Satisfaction."
Oscar Wilde would probably spin in his grave were he to see this delightful maxim, printed in large white lettering on the rear window of a tradesman's van in Krabi: "Have a dog be friend Better than have a friend be dog."
Although most of the signs were combinations of concision and senselessness, the greater achievements of Thailand's signwriters are in their more lengthy, rambling masterpieces. My guess is Thais with passable spoken English probably wrote them.
A sign in a tour agent on Ko Pha Ngan asked the reader: "You love adventure enjoy the sea and would like to say a moment (1, 2 or 3 days) on a lonely island like the pirates have done years ago? We offer regular boat (NEW with roof!!)."
My favourite Thai sign was a government production. It was at the port in Phuket town. Here's how it started: "Phuket Diamond of the South. Clean Sea Golden Sand As Strong Sun. Enjoy to Sail an Nature. Sail and Meet the Problem Call Marine Police."
The sign provided a recipe for pandemonium in an emergency. If your ship had a great big hole in it, it said, and you were jumping overboard: "The Passenger Should Can Swim to Help One Another and Yourself." And it warned: "Who is Never Travel by Boat and Seasick Person, Please Brings the Plastic Bags With You." It also helpfully instructed, if your stomach was very upset: "Try to Hold the Squat of Your Seat."
Go there. Read the signs. Thailand is a beautiful country with people to match. Or should that be: "Thailand: beautiful country, people is match"?
