Parenting flashpoints have a horrible habit of repeating themselves. Perhaps it’s tantrums while out shopping, frustrating mealtimes, rows over screens, or a child who just won’t go to sleep. Or maybe all four and more.
We all have our own vision for happy family lives, and it does not include any of the above. Yet, here we are, saying and doing the things we swore we never would.
For Olivia McHugh, a mother of three living in Tallaght, Co Dublin, one minefield was around a son who was “obsessed” with having a treat after school every single day. Although she knew it was not good for him, it was only after doing a Healthy Families programme developed by Parents Plus that she felt empowered to do something about it and other aspects of family life that were causing friction.
The eldest of her three sons is now 30, but this programme was recommended to her three years ago, when the younger ones were 10 and seven. The middle boy is autistic, she says. “He has behavioural problems, and we were struggling.”
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This group course for parents of children aged up to 12 is all about “bite-sized changes, so neither the parents nor the children feel overwhelmed”, says Samantha Byrne, an early-years assistant manager who has been trained to facilitate the programme at St Kevin’s Family Resource Centre in Kilnamanagh, Tallaght, Co Dublin.
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“We’re all rushing about, getting from A to B,” she says of typical modern family life. This programme is aimed at improving overall wellbeing for parents and their children. Parents set their own goals over eight themed modules. “We’re not telling them what to do,” she stresses.
“I think it’s fantastic because it’s not somebody coming in to overturn your whole lifestyle,” says McHugh. “It’s just little changes.” But they accumulate to make a big difference. They are changes that everybody knows they should be making, she suggests, but it can be very hard to know where to start.
By the end of the programme “everything was a bit calmer” at her home. “The hardest part was getting everybody on the same page, but that was only a teething problem.”
And the results did include her son getting a treat after school, but only on Fridays. “He wasn’t happy about it, but that’s what happened.” McHugh has since trained with Parents Plus – a charity cofounded by Irish Times parenting columnist John Sharry – to be a facilitator of this programme and to help other parents follow a similar path. Parents Plus develops evidence-based parenting programmes for people working across services and communities to deliver locally.
It is a whole family approach, which means parents have to make changes too. The inconvenient truth of role-modelling is that it is futile wanting our children to, for example, spend less time on screens when they see us constantly gazing at our phones – even if “it’s for work”.
[ Healthy families: The importance of enjoying mealtimes togetherOpens in new window ]
Behaviour and screen-time tend to be issues that parents coming to do the programme are struggling with the most, says Byrne. As soon as they start cutting down on their children’s screen time, they can see how things are interlinked.
“For instance, they switched the telly off at dinner time and tried discussions and things like that. They found that engaged the children more.
“It’s about having those positive connections with your children,” she says. “I know that everyone wants that but sometimes, when the challenges come, you’re overwhelmed.” What can help is if you pause and tune into what the child is trying to say, instead of tuning into the tantrum, and being prepared for the next step.
“These are little people that look up to you and rely on you. They don’t have the tools of coping with the big emotions that they might have sometimes.” But parents can help children regulate emotions only if they, as the adults, can keep their own in check, which is why there is an emphasis on caregivers taking time for themselves.
“You feel as if the whole place is going to fall apart because you’re not there for half an hour,” says McHugh. “But realistically, it’s not. I know, because I was in that trap, I didn’t do anything for myself at all. When I was given the homework of doing something for yourself, I realised, actually, the place is okay. Everybody’s still alive – and I feel better.”
The peer support within any group doing the programme is vital. People feel they can offload about their week, she says, and it won’t go any further. “There is no judgment.”
One mother said she wished her children would at least try vegetables. Out of the group discussion came the idea to put them in a bowl on the table, rather than on their plates
While the group discusses suggested plans of action in each module in the Healthy Families manual, anybody can chip in with tips based on their own experiences. McHugh contrasts this with parenting courses she did more than two decades ago after the birth of her first son, which were much more prescriptive.
“They were like, ‘This is what you must do’. There was no swaying.” Whereas the Healthy Families programme is “way more subtle and it’s actually more for everybody’s lifestyle. Everybody can make a few changes”.
Byrne recalls how one mother said she wished her children would at least try vegetables. Out of the group discussion came the idea to put them in a bowl on the table, rather than on their plates, and for her to be taking some as well.
“At the end of the programme she was saying her kids are eating a lot more stuff and they are making smoothies together. It’s ways of incorporating what you want but where the child is at as well.
“It’s about empowering the parents,” she adds, supporting them to establish healthier routines with children. Byrne has the opportunity to view improvements from both perspectives if parents doing the Healthy Families programme at St Kevin’s have children in the early years’ service there. She sees not only the benefits for the group members, but also observes the positive impact that changes made at home have had on the children when they are attending the centre.
How parents can implement small changes
Here McHugh and Byrne detail small changes that have proved most effective for parents:
Pause This is not just about taking a few deep breaths – or going to scream into a cupboard, as McHugh has done – to avoid reacting in anger. It is also stopping what you are doing to give a child one-on-one attention.
“You’re a working parent and when you get home, you have to cook dinner, you have to do this, you have to do that, and eat before the children go to bed,” says Byrne. “If the child is pulling out at you while you’re cooking dinner, you can say to them, ‘Okay, give me five minutes, and then I’ll come to you’ – and following through on it, giving them a good five minutes’ quality time.
“If you find it hard to do it at that stage, then [do it] later in the bedtime routine, so the child notices the little changes as well. You’re giving them the quality time; you’re not thinking of anything else; you’re being with them.”
Plan ahead Every parent knows their child best, and the scenarios that are most likely to end in tears. Prepare for them, with calm measures to take if a row is looming. Also make very clear to a child ahead of an outing what it will entail and what is expected of them, says Byrne, so they do not feel overwhelmed.
Step outdoors You might think family walks are for weekends, but McHugh finds even short ones around the block can be very helpful, “whether it’s raining or not. Just get them out”. Neighbourhood walks can also become part of a pre-bedtime routine. “The more air they get, the better. Even if it’s dark, they love going with the torch and seeing things by night. It’s how I got through loads of evenings.”
It is also good for the child-parent relationship, giving you time to chat with them, without them feeling that you’re talking at them, she says. “They open up more.”
Put your phone away We cannot remind ourselves too often to do this because it is such an addictive yet often mindless activity. Technology is a source of conflict for most families. “I see kids as young as age 1½ with their parents’ phone, looking at the kids’ YouTube and stuff like that,” says Byrne. “Some of them would know how to work it more than I would.”
It’s part of our way of life, she acknowledges, and it is not about making parents feel guilty, but rather giving them tips to get to where they want to be.
There were parents explaining that children fall asleep with their iPads. It was suggested that initially, 15 minutes before the children were due to lie down, a parent would read them a story instead and get them really engaged in it, by asking questions or discussing the pictures. “Then the children started asking for the stories and gradually it got to the stage where they don’t have their iPad at night-time at all.”
“It’s remembering to put your own phone down,” says McHugh. “You pick it up and you scroll, and you don’t notice.” When you’re telling a child they are on a screen too much, they will be quick to point out your hypocrisy, saying: “You’re always on your phone.”
Speak positively Talk up planned changes. Instead of complaining, for instance, that screens are ruining family time, explain how you want to have more time together for playing games and chatting. “I find when the parents focus on what they want, rather than what they don’t want, it’s more achievable,” says Byrne. McHugh is mindful of rephrasing what she is saying, so her sons do not feel they’re in trouble. For instance if they are bickering, instead of just telling them to stop, she will say, “How could we sort this out?” Such a response puts the onus on them and they tend to come back with an answer, she says, which leads to a resolution.
Sit the family around a table for meals If this is impossible due to parental work schedules, try to do it at least a couple of evenings a week. Or perhaps it is possible to do it more regularly at breakfast time. If parents are coming home in the evening at different times, acknowledge that, says Byrne, and let the parent who is home sit and eat with the children. Maybe everybody can sit down again and chat when the later parent is home to have their dinner.
Cut up fruit as a snack Make it easy for them to eat a healthy alternative to crisps or biscuits between meals, or for desserts. But again, conscious role-modelling is needed. “You pick up an apple and have it rather than going to the biscuit press,” says McHugh.
Take time out for yourself McHugh believes this small change she made played a big part in improvements all round for her family, “even down to my marriage because I was taking time out for myself for an hour or two in a week; it just made me better. As a parent at home you are on the go all the time and you can get resentful, so it was very good to learn to take that time out.”
- A free Parents Plus “Innovations in Practice” webinar for professionals, on November 13th, 9.15am-11.30am, will include a presentation on the Healthy Families programme. See parentsplus.ie
