Question
My issue is relatively straightforward. Having undergone an ancestry DNA test, I discovered a close relative who turns out to be my 80-year-old brother’s daughter. She had been searching for her father for many years.
I made contact and was happy to inform her that my brother was, indeed, her father. This man is a great deal older than me – we are not close and, indeed, I don’t know him very well. I informed him of my discovery, which he claims he didn’t know about. I was supportive and encouraging, offering him any assistance I could to help him make contact.
It was clear that he did not wish me to share his contact details with her, I gave him her details and he expressed his intention to make contact. Now, that never happened, and I completely understand that is his business.
My dilemma is, do I share this information with my other siblings? Do I have the right? After all, she is my niece and theirs also. This woman has had a lot of rejection in her life.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
There are many people’s positions to be considered in this dilemma – your brother’s right to choose what action he might take; your niece’s right to connect with her birth family, your siblings’ right to know of their unknown niece and your right to have a familial relationship with your niece.
Of these, your question regarding breaking the news to your other siblings is really one that lies with your niece.
Do you know your niece well enough to have a conversation about what her hopes and fears are? Who does she have to support her at this time, and can you allow her to make her own decision about what her next move is? You will need to let her know that you will be guided by her, will take direction from her and move only at her pace. If there is a need for counselling for her (and this would be best practice), perhaps you could offer support in seeking this, both financially (if needed) and emotionally. Of course, your brother, her birth father, will need not only to be informed of this probable event, but given every opportunity to participate in it.
Your niece has discovered her ancestry, and this may have been an exciting and daunting revelation, but to be stopped abruptly in this process might be devastating for her. You say she has been searching for a long time and so it is likely she is dealing with huge disappointment and even abandonment, and you rightly point out that further rejection may be difficult for her. You know your siblings well – can you make a guess as to how they might respond to her and if they have the capacity to welcome her into the family? At the very least, you carry the responsibility of championing her position in the family and this is a responsibility that requires commitment and longevity. In many ways, your role has already been set by your first reaching out to your DNA relative and now it is up to you to do your best for her.
As always, information and support are readily available and it is worth educating yourself in what services are available: The Irish Council of Social Workers in Adoption, Barnardo’s, Citizens information, the HSE and Tusla all have very good information leaflets and support services available to all parties in this type of situation.
While your brother is 80, (hopefully not cognitively impaired) this does not mean that he is not able or capable of making decisions and accepting the consequences. You do not seem to know him well and maybe this issue offers you an opportunity of changing this. It would seem that he might be full of avoidance and the emotion behind this is often fear. Could you be there for him to let him know that he is not alone in facing this news. Simply spending time with him might allow him to feel less alone in this situation and show him that his fears (whatever they may be) may not be as frightening as he first supposed. He was born in a time where illegitimate births were regarded as a source of shame and rejection by Irish society, now we live in a world where there is (some) consensus that every child should be cherished and fully supported by society. His fears may be deeply embedded and thus need patience and affection to meet the request in front of him.
You too will need support, so talk to your niece and ask her permission for you to speak to a friend or confidant who can help you discuss your thoughts and frustrations, without imposing their views on you.
Remember, it is your niece’s choice regarding who is told and how this happens, so that is your bottom line in looking at your plans for action.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
