Question
I have been retired for a few years now and I was lucky enough to follow up on my dream to try my hand at art. Following a few courses in Dublin, I found one immersive course in Italy and I went off with huge delight about three weeks ago. My husband used the time to plan a golf trip with his friends and I thought all this was perfect.
However, I got a horrible bug while away and I came home a week early. I did not want to put a dint in my husband’s trip, so I said nothing. There was a call at the front door the day after I came home and it was a delivery guy who asked me to sign for a package – he said he needed a signature as it was a high-value item for my husband.
I was curious as it was a small item, so I opened it and discovered a very beautiful, antique gold bracelet. Even as I opened it, I thought of the scene in Love Actually when the wife discovers the jewellery is for her husband’s lover, and this is exactly what happened to me.
The difference here is that my husband has totally denied anything wrong and said I am being dramatic. I have checked his “golf” holiday, and I cannot find any of the friends in our circle who went with him. He is saying they are people he is connected to via his work (in the past) and that I should trust him.
I honestly don’t know what to do, I have not seen the bracelet since I signed for it, so am assuming it has gone to a new home and to another woman.
Am I being too suspicious or am I being a fool? I am bouncing between the two positions.
Answer
You are probably still very stressed and it can be hard to trust your judgment at this time, so the first thing to do is find some calmness in yourself so you can trust your faculties.
It might be that you need some time away from your husband so you can think, or you might like to speak to a trusted friend or family member (one that is not quick to judgment ) so you can hear your own thought process. You will need to reflect on your relationship, on its history and its truthfulness.
It might be that almost without perceiving it, you have slipped into a space where neither of you really know what is going on for the other. You will have some idea of your husband’s responses to accusations and whether this is following a pattern or not. All of this can give you some idea of where you are on the continuum of suspicion/trust in the relationship.
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The reality of the bracelet is hard to ignore and the fact it has disappeared might lend some legitimacy to your suspicions. However, you are still left with a serious breach in the relationship and, at the very least, you have to decide if you want to fight for it or not. Even if you are in huge doubt, it is going to take considerable effort to work out your future and you’ll need to feel confident in whatever path you choose.
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It sounds as though you were having a good time in retirement and had found something that gave you lots of pleasure and fulfilment. This may have boosted your confidence so actually you are in a good position to consider your options and to initiate some challenging conversations with your spouse. Doubting your place in your partner’s affections is a hard pill to swallow and a fob-off will not do the job of going back to the status quo. You will need to push for real intimacy – the risk is that you discover you do not have honesty and this is untenable. Couples do recover from serious breaches but not without getting into the trenches with each other and choosing each other again, with full knowledge of the transgressions and hurts.
Often, the renewed relationship is stronger than the old but, as you can imagine, this takes time and commitment. Right now, the decision is yours about the direction you want to take and you do not have to rush this.
Take time for yourself, allow your sense of judgment to come back and if you need to, check in with a professional who can assist you with untangling your feelings, fears and hopes. Your husband may also need help to navigate these waters so if appropriate you can suggest this, but he is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his own actions and choices.
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