If you can't chill out when having a sleepover in your house, don't have them, writes SHEILA WAYMAN
WHEN MY youngest child went off on his first sleep- over in a friend’s house at the age of six, he did not come back for two days. The mother had rung to say the boys were having such fun, could they keep him another night?
It was not a problem for him, as he knew the family well, and ditto for me. But all children are different and, so indeed, are parents. Some would think it positively irresponsible to let a six year old go off for one night, never mind two.
“At what age should I allow my child go on a sleepover?” is a perennial question. Of course, there is no answer except to say it depends on the child – and the circumstances. And some parents are dead set against the whole idea at almost any age.
Exactly when the “sleepover” arrived as a recognised term in Ireland is hard to pinpoint. For my generation it was just a matter of “staying the night” with a friend. However, the sense of occasion and strengthening of friendship through late-night chats was not diminished by the lack of an official name.
As more American television infiltrated our homes, at a time when families were becoming smaller and houses getting bigger, the sleepover phenomenon emerged.
A writer of teenage fiction, Sarah Webb first came across “slumber parties” when she went to secondary school in south Dublin in the 1980s and there were several American girls in her class.
“It became quite competitive,” she says.
“How many friends can you have?”
She believes it is a rite of passage, particularly for pre-teen girls. Certainly all the “sleepover kits” are marketed at girls.
“But boys are into it as well,” Webb stresses. “They see it as a way of getting all their friends playing Xbox and eating pizza in one room.”
She has learned the hard way that it is advisable to keep the numbers of boys down after her eldest child, who is now 15, had six or seven friends staying.
Her patience ran out at about 1am and “I had to separate them into three different rooms,” she recalls. “They were like girls, giggling, but also smacking each other with pillows all night.”
The vast majority of children love sleepovers, while parental attitudes range from happily embracing them, through toleration, to paranoia about what might go wrong.
You can ban them in an attempt to avoid all possible problems, says parenting coach Marian Byrne. But those problems will probably come up in other ways, she suggests. “Or you can be very lax and let everything go, which is inviting trouble – so take the middle way.”
Her advice is to think about the issue and work out your criteria for allowing a sleepover – either home or away – before your children start wanting one. If you wait to be asked, “you might go along with it before you have time to understand how you feel about it and what needs to happen”.
Sleepovers have become a big issue in the past six months for Valerie, a mother of four living in Galway, and she is not sure what the right thing to do is.
Currently, she does not allow her eldest daughters, aged 10 and eight, to go on them, but she worries this might cause them to be ostracised in the future.
“It is a minefield,” she says. “I am very particular about what my children watch on TV and computers, and I know other parents aren’t.”
She is also wary of houses where there are older siblings. “It only takes one incident and I would always regret it, why did I let that happen and why did I let them go there?
“I know you have to trust your gut feelings, but then you can’t make one judgment for one child and then change it for another child,” she points out. “The child will say, what’s wrong with such and such a person.”
She also thinks that families hosting sleepovers are leaving themselves wide open to accusations of inappropriate behaviour.
“It is awfully sad to think that is the stage we’ve got to, but unfortunately I think it is.”
Another mother of four children, Elaine Smith, believes her oldest boy is too young, at age eight, to go on a sleepover to a friend’s house. It is something she has discussed with other parents in Mornington, Co Meath.
“None of them would be comfortable with it even though we know each other very well,” she says. “We think they are still too young. They are not responsible enough and it is a lot to put on someone else. At eight they are giddy.”
Carol Vaudrion does not have a problem with sleepovers. She believes the “huge benefits” for her children outweigh any negative aspects. “They just love the whole companionship and feel it is really cool.”
Her eldest child, Clara (15), started having friends over to their home in Celbridge, Co Kildare, one at a time when she was eight, and had progressed to groups by age 12.
Vaudrion admits that after the last sleepover they hosted for her son, Luc, and six friends for his 11th birthday she did say “never again”. But “clearly time helps”, she acknowledges, as she was allowing another one for his 12th birthday this week.
Six friends is the maximum she permits for Luc, while she lets Clara have up to 10. If the boys are still awake in the early hours, she finds that going down and demanding silence while she stands in the middle of the room in the dark is enough to send them to sleep within 10 minutes.
Vaudrion advises parents hosting sleepovers to “chill out” – and if you can’t, don’t have them.
“Just decide whatever happens, you are not going to shout and roar. There is no point in having your children’s friends over if you are going to embarrass them.”
RACHAEL WALLER could be considered a sleepover veteran at the age of eight. The youngest child of three, she has stayed with relatives from the age of two and has been teamed up with her friend Jennifer Quirke for sleepovers from the age of four.
“I have been training my children towards independence from an early age,” says her mother, Roz, with a laugh.
As well as children enjoying sleepovers, it can also be a way of parents helping each other out with babysitting, she points out.
Rachael has three or four friends around to stay at their home in Killiney, Co Dublin, on a “semi-regular” basis. Sometimes her birthday party would end up in a sleepover.
Her brother, Alex (13), has sleepovers with three friends from primary school, now that they are in different secondary schools. The four for them shared a room during a trip to the Gaeltacht during sixth class and the bond lives on.
The eldest child, Lynn (15), is a big fan of sleepovers and frequently has them with a friend who lives just across the road.
Waller is not happy about her going to houses where she, the mother, does not know the parents. But at secondary school it can be hard to meet the parents of your child’s friends, so she takes every opportunity to cultivate contacts.
All her children “love the chat, the bonding and camaraderie” of sleepovers and they are also a licence, she suggests, for them being off the hook for doing work. It is a case of: “Don’t ask me to do anything – my friends are here.”
Nuala Ní Chongaile, a mother of three from Galway, also sees sleepovers as a valuable lesson in independence.
Her two older children, Eoghan (11) and eight-year-old Kate, do them occasionally with friends.
“I think it is good for them to see the inside of another family and how another family works,” she says. “It helps them to be more flexible and maybe to fit in a bit more.”
When they are older they will be more relaxed about having flatmates, she suggests.
She and her husband, Murray Scott, try to go away once a year without their children, so they have been used to staying with relatives from an early age.
“I know a lot of parents do not like to go away and do not like to leave their kids,” she adds.
“But I do not think
that is doing the kids any favours.”
PARENTS' SLEEPOVER SURVIVAL GUIDE
1 Make sure your child is ready
As the parent, you are the best person to judge. It is probably too early if a child is clingy, has bedwetting issues or is very dependent on bedtime routines. Make it clear that the child can ask to come home at any time and nobody will mind.
2 Talk to the host parents
This rule applies at any age. When they are younger, be upfront about any concerns or requests you have. With older teenagers, who are making their own arrangements, always check in with the parents.
Parenting coach Marian Byrne says: “Teenagers will resist that, but at the end of the day, if you stick to your guns, they will accept it.”
Make sure the parents have your telephone number, she adds, so “that there is a line of communication there over and above the teen” if there is a problem.
3 Occasional events only
Remember that for every night’s “wakeover” there follows at least one day of crankiness.
So, for younger children anyway, they are best kept as a treat, preferably at holiday time.
4 Limit the numbers
Start with one friend at a time but, let’s face it, you can’t have a “slumber party” without a crowd.
The general consensus is that you can risk having more girls than boys. They will all stay awake as long as they can, but girls are less likely to keep you awake half the night, too.
To be honest, a guestlist of anything over three of either gender sounds like a total nightmare to me!
5 Plan but be flexible
Have some sort of structure for the evening in mind for younger children, whether that involves getting a DVD or making games available, but also be prepared to go with the flow.
Bedtime rules should be relaxed for once – that is the whole point – but eventually be firm about the time for lights out.
6 Perfect the art of subtle surveillance
Plenty of food and their own space is what teenagers want. But you need to check in on them casually from time to time.
One parent recounts how her teenage daughter went to a sleepover where there were 18 of them and the mother sat in with them the whole time.
“The mother was mad to do 18 in the first place and it certainly was not an enjoyable experience for her, but the kids did not enjoy it either.”
7 Don’t be begrudging
If you are not comfortable having your child’s friends in your house on sleepovers, don’t feel you have to allow them.
Seriously fretful or narky parents can ruin the occasion and be more embarrassing for your child than not doing them at all.
Playful firmness is the best approach to take to errant behaviour.
8 Look at the positives
Yes, they may be a hassle to host and the after-effects of sleep deprivation tend to linger, but they are a rite of passage in the journey all children must make away from their parents.
They not only strengthen friendships but also foster independence and social skills.
9 Still against them?
Be honest with yourself about whether it is your child who is not ready for them, or you.
Analyse your concerns and see if they are justified and what could be done to allay them.
“Just saying ‘no’ without giving reasons is counter-productive when raising kids,” advises Martina Newe, co-founder of HelpMe2Parent.
“You can’t control and police every situation for your children,” she adds.
“You can just give them the best advice.”
