Your parenting questions answered
Q
My daughter is four and a half and started school in September last. She has become increasingly cheeky and “grabby”, full of backchat, saying no to requests, etc, particularly in the company of others. I understand that she is growing up and beginning to fight for her independence, but how do I deal with it in the best way for her while preserving my own sanity?
A
It may be that not only is your daughter becoming more independent in her own right but she is also learning a few bad habits from the company of others. Bear in mind, too, that school can be quite stressful for small children and so they can express that stress at home with misbehaviour.
Many parents find that starting school unsettles their child as the new rules, routines, application to tasks, having to curb their natural active energies and new, possibly intense, social environment take their toll. We need to be understanding of the pressures this can entail and that some children will let off steam at other times.
Try to hold on to your own patience and maintain firm but warm boundaries and limits about what is, and is not, acceptable behaviour in your home. The more consistent you can be about responding to her cheekiness, the quicker she will come to realise that you don’t and won’t tolerate it at home and the sooner it will fade away.
Children are very adaptable and can realise easily that they can “get away” with acting in different ways in different environments. By talking with her teacher you might discover how she/he deals with equivalent behaviour in the class and you may be able to replicate similar responses at home.
Q
We have two boys – three years old and eight months old. Our eight month old appears to be allergic to our cats and we are in the process of rehoming them. I am concerned about how to deal with this with our three year old as he is quite attached to them and is already a bit unsettled with a new brother. Do I talk to him and explain or will he resent his brother for being the “cause” of the loss of the cats? Or do I just say nothing and hope he doesn’t notice that they’ve disappeared?
A
I am a big fan of telling children in advance about changes that are going to happen. That way, they can prepare for the change and can even begin to make sense of the feelings they have that are associated with the change.
Is there any possibility that your cats could learn to live outside, in which case you could sidestep all the difficulty? If not, then it may be best to come clean about the fact that the cats are going to be rehomed and explain about where they are likely to go and who will look after them. Depending on his reaction to this bit of the information you can decide about when and/or how much to explain to him about the reason why.
It may be that all his focus will be on how sad he feels about them going rather than working out why they have to go.
However, if he does ask about the reason for the cats having to go then I would tell him, focusing on how sick his brother can get. Try to link it to any illness that your older son may have experienced, so that he can empathise with his brother. Talk about how generous a thing the whole family is doing by making the air clearer and cleaner for his brother, and indeed for all of you such that nobody else can be affected by a similar allergy.
He might resent his brother (but may already resent him a bit anyway), but this is something you can help him to regulate such that in time he will discover that his brother is fun to have around, especially when he is fully healthy and available to play.
If the cats are going, then down the line you might want to explore getting a short-haired dog that is less likely to shed or be allergenic and might be a lovely pet for both boys to care for together.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com