Q My daughter is two years old and in the past six months has been sleeping badly. Sometimes she settles back herself, but if the crying goes on for more than five minutes one of us (usually her father) goes into her and she settles back quickly enough. If I go into her, she pushes me away and shouts for her father, which leads to longer settling periods. I think this is because he has put her to bed almost every night since I stopped breastfeeding during the night and so she associates him with sleeping. However, since last October she has started waking by shouting out, “No, No”, and even sometimes telling “the spiders” to go away.
I think this stemmed from the giant spider Halloween decorations in the creche, but four months later it seems strange that they still affect her. Some evenings when her father is putting her to sleep, I can hear her saying, “Spider go away?” and he says, “Yes, spider is gone.” Then, “Dog go away?” and “Cat go away?” like they are in the room with her and she is frightened. Am I to take it she is having nightmares and that could be why she is waking? If this is the case, how can we stop these nightmares? She doesn’t watch a huge amount of television and if she does, it is cartoons for 20 minutes or a Dora or Winnie the Pooh DVD, but perhaps we should stop or reduce that? Other than that, she is a happy child and goes for a nap for an hour most days in the creche.
A
It does sound like your child is having nightmares, to a greater or lesser extent. Indeed, nightmares are common enough and generally start in children from about the age of two and reach their peak between the ages of three and six years. About a quarter of children have at least one nightmare a week.
So, if your daughter is having nightmares you can be reassured that, at least, she is similar to many children. The frequency of nightmares varies from child to child. Some children have a frightening dream once or twice a year and others have them much more regularly. It appears that your daughter falls into the latter category.
I have read quite a bit on this subject and none of the research I have come across has been able to determine, definitively, why children, or adults for that matter, have nightmares.
On the same basis that regular dreams are thought to be a processing of experiences to date, it is quite possible that nightmares are a child’s attempts to understand, process and resolve frightening, distressing or anxiety provoking events or experiences.
Sometimes it may be that children are simply processing the normal stresses and strains of growing up. Occasionally, fever brings up nightmares and they are also sometimes found more in children with very active imaginations.
TV watching, which can often blur the distinctions of fantasy and reality for children, is also sometimes associated with disrupted sleep. Perhaps letting her watch only those DVDs that you know she is comfortable with might be better than letting her watch broadcast cartoons, the content of which you can’t monitor in advance.
If she was very frightened at the time by the giant spiders in the creche, then it is very possible that she stills feels some residual anxiety (even four months later) that gets expressed in her sleep.
If you think about it, in order to fall asleep and stay asleep we need to be at our most relaxed. It is no wonder then that adults and children will have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep if they are anxious about something.
Perhaps a story book, like The Very Busy Spider by Eric Carle, which features a spider but not in a frightening way, might help her to feel that spiders are actually okay and may at least prompt a reaction from her that could give you some indication if, indeed, she has a residual fear of spiders.
Beyond this, I think you should continue with your comfort and reassurance for her as she settles to sleep and if she wakes up. I would imagine that as any anxiety fades over time, so too will her nightmares.
Q
I am mum to three wonderful children, the youngest of whom started school in September. She seems to have bonded well with her classmates and her older siblings have reassured me that she has lots of friends at play time and is “in the thick” of the games as it were. Her teacher tells me that she is doing well and is very much part of the class. The problem is when I drop her in the morning. We are a small school and parents of junior infants generally bring the children to their classroom.
Up until November this worked perfectly. Then I had a weekend away and my husband took the children to school. Since that morning the youngest has cried and clung to me saying she doesn’t want me to leave. This has now become a habit and one she seems unable to break. I have tried explaining to her that I understand and that I miss her too, but we have to be big girls about it.
I am now finding this upsetting myself even though her teacher has told me that I am not out the door when she has settled down and is perfectly happy. I hate to see her so sad and I am worried that the other children will start to make fun of her as she is the only one behaving this way. Hopefully you can give me some tips that can turn things around for us.
A
I think the issue that your daughter is trying to express is how difficult she found it that you were away for that weekend. Perhaps the arrival to school each day reminds her of the time you went away and leads to a small bit of residual anxiety.
I suggest that you talk to her about the time you went away and try to empathise with her about how she found that. I think that if you get to explore this issue, and the feelings she had then, with her that her apparent school-related anxiety will dissipate quite quickly.
As long as you can be confident (as you seem to be) that she likes school and enjoys being there, then you can leave her (crying or not) happy in the knowledge that she will be alright. I would guess that the tears are akin to “crocodile tears” and are designed to tug at your heart-strings rather than being representative of a deep separation anxiety.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com