JUDICIAL SEPARATION is down 19 per cent and divorce down 13 per cent on last year, and it’s not because relationships are improving. For many couples, “in a time of recession it’s not possible to separate”, says Lisa O’Hara of the Marriage and Relationships Counselling Service (MRCS).
In the Circuit courts, legal aid centres, family law firms and DIY divorce companies, many professtionals have noticed the trend of separating couples living under the same roof. However, it is possible to separate while living under the same roof, so long as separate lives can be proven.
Judicial separation can cost €20,000 to €30,000 in legal costs per partner on average and with property in negative equity and the market dead, often the family home can’t be sold to pay lawyers. Doing your own legal work saves money, but still not enough to pay for two separate residences. This is why Nicky Wall of DIY Divorce Ltd has seen a four-fold increase in separating couples living together, while at the same time there’s been “a big decline” in callers and clients.
The trend really took off about a year ago, says Sheila Healy of the Family Mediation Service. When houses went into negative equity and the threat of redundancy loomed over couples considering separation, they began to look for ways of coping with living in the same house while being separated. Another factor was that fathers, who run a risk of losing access to their children as well as the right to live in the family home when matters go to court, are often advised not to leave the home, Healy adds.
But living in the “twilight zone” of a dead marriage in a shared house is “like a prison sentence with no hope of release”, says O’Hara. “It’s one of the most awful situations you can find yourself in. There’s no love left in the relationship, yet there’s no release date, so there is a sense of hopelessness.
“You really hit rock bottom. It’s extremely difficult to emotionally separate when your ex-partner is still there, perhaps even still sharing the bedroom because you have kids and haven’t space for a separate bedroom. Couples may even still be having sex occasionally. There may be mixed messages from one partner to another, particularly if sex is more important for one than the other,” she says.
Sharing a house can be made to work if both partners are willing to put their resentment aside and be practical about it. Mediators have helped couples divvy up the finances, living accommodation, kitchen duties, childcare, bed-time stories, laundry and weekend time with children in situations where estranged spouses question the wisdom of even offering one other a cup of tea.
“Working in shifts is best because each can be in the house at a separate time,” O’Hara advises. “Go to the gym, go visit your mother, get out of the house to give the other parent space.”
A major strain, though, is when one spouse wants to separate while the other doesn’t, so you have a yearning/rejection scenario going on, warns O’Hara. One person is still in love with their partner yet at the same time trying to accept it’s over, while feeling they would do anything to get them back. The internal reality of an emotional separation does not match the external reality of living together. “When a person dies, they’re gone, but when you’ve separated and the person is still there, internally you are still feeling that loss,” she says.
It’s not new for some couples to stay together because they’re waiting for children to grow up, but is this really better for the children?
There are differing views, O’Hara says. If there’s open warfare, the children can be badly affected and it can be a relief when parents finally live apart. On the other hand, children who come from a household where there was huge warfare can develop great resilience. The ones whose parents never fought often don’t cope as well when the split finally happens, says O’Hara.
If there’s good news, she adds, it’s that people are working harder to keep their marriages intact because the alternative is far worse than the risky emotional territory of working on the marriage. MRCS is doing “sessions on the recession” – free one-on-one counselling sessions for couples under strain – and they’re very popular.
