There is support for foster parents and fostered children, but what about the children of carers who have to share their homes, and sometimes, their bedrooms, with strangers?
NO MATTER how much they are indoctrinated as toddlers with Barney’s “sharing is caring” message, siblings still compete fiercely within the family home for food, toys, time on the computer and the attention of their parents.
So it cannot be easy for the thousands of children in Ireland who are asked to share all this with “strangers” who come to live in their homes.
The plight of the 5,000-plus children in State care and the challenge for the foster parents who look after 97 per cent of them are widely acknowledged, but the birth children of the carers are often the forgotten part of the equation.
Disruption of family life, a sense of loss when children they have grown close to move on and hearing stories of abuse from their peers are some of the issues with which carers’ children have to cope.
Research has identified a tendency towards separation anxiety in children of foster carers and suggested it could adversely affect their ability to form relationships in the future.
However, the experience of fostering has also been shown to improve confidence and communication skills among birth children.
Quite rightly much attention goes to the children in care, but these birth children have only one childhood as well, says Brenda Irwin, support and mediation officer with the Irish Foster Care Association (IFCA).
Fostered children tend to confide in birth children about abuse they may have had at home because it is easier to talk to a peer, she points out, and they are very young to be carrying that burden.
She presented the findings of her study, The Impact of the Temporary Nature of Foster Care on the Birth Children of Foster Carers, at IFCA’s recent annual conference in Mayo, in which the voices of children surveyed (see panel) illustrate some of the things they have to deal with.
As both a professional foster worker and a foster parent herself, Irwin is well aware of the issues, but the study brought home to her the responsibility that all adults involved in fostering – carers and social workers – have to the birth children.
The consensus of participants at a conference workshop was that there was no support for the, says Irwin. Foster parents spoke of the guilt they feel about their children, particularly when there is a lot of fighting in the house. On the plus side, they believed it helped their children develop resilience and coping skills.
IFCA drew up a New Beginnings programme for carers’ children, as part of the preparation course for fostering, but the HSE does not always use it, so many birth children have minimal briefing beforehand and no formal, ongoing support.
“If people go into fostering, it has to be a family decision and often it’s not,” says Irwin. “Traditionally, the mum would get the call, ‘Can you take somebody?’ The kids come home and there would be somebody there.”
The ideal is that people take children younger than their own, and that no more than two are placed with a family, but that does not always happen, she says. Occasionally, carers have six or seven or, more often, there might be four, if it is a sibling group together or an emergency placement.
It can be hard for birth children to express their true feelings about fostering within the family. In Irwin’s survey, the most common reply as to what might make it easier for them was a forum where they could share their views.
As a carer’s child you may hear people say what a wonderful foster family you are, she explains, “and you could be there seething; this child is poking through your things, pulling out your clothes, stealing your stuff – that’s your reality and where is your space to say that?”
“That does not mean they do not want to continue fostering,” she stresses, but they need permission to sound off. “It’s important that there is somebody there to hear but not judge them.” As an estimated 56 per cent of breakdowns in foster placements are due to difficulties between foster and birth children, it makes sense to support the carer’s family, she says.
Irwin’s study, which she conducted as a thesis for a Masters in Counselling Psychology at Trinity College Dublin, found stronger peer attachment among children of foster carers, compared with children of non-carers. This could be because of a tendency to seek solace from peers in the face of conflict at home, she says, or due to better social skills and the need to be more tolerant and flexible.
Caitríona O’Neill (22) was eight when her parents started to foster at their home in west Cork. She recalls a social worker coming and asking her and her two older brothers (then aged 10 and 12) questions beforehand that seemed totally irrelevant to what was happening – such as if they had three wishes what would they be.
The first foster child was a baby boy, who she liked to help look after. The second was a girl close in age to O’Neill, so she went from being the only girl in the family to having to share her bedroom and toys with another girl.
“That was very, very different. I used to wonder in my own head when social workers came to talk to her, why nobody came to talk to the rest of us. Nobody asked me how I felt about sharing my room with this complete stranger who had walked in.”
While her own parents were very good at talking things through with her and her brothers, she wonders why the social services do not offer support for carers’ children. She did not know any other foster families and it would have been nice, for instance, to have been able to meet up with children in similar circumstances.
“It might have made it easier to take on such a big change in your family,” she suggests.
On the plus side, with people coming and going from the household, they became a very close-knit family. You form life-long bonds with some of the children, she says, and it broadens your horizons.
“You are more understanding of people and their situations,” adds O’Neill, who is now studying early childhood care and education in Tralee, Co Kerry.
Áine Kenny (26) was also eight when her parents started to foster and they have always had at least one child in their Co Meath home since.
She thinks she was old enough to understand what fostering was about, whereas her younger sister, who was only three, found it more difficult to deal with.
For instance, Kenny says, it can be hard to comprehend why the children return from visits to their birth parents laden down with presents and you don’t get any.
The family had both long-term and short-term foster children – the longest was eight and a half years. The hardest part is when a long-term child is leaving, she says. “You are kind of losing a sister or a brother.”
The challenging behaviour and the way some foster children treat the parents is also very tough to watch for the family’s children. Equally, she explains, it can be very hard to hear them call your parents “mum” and “dad”.
It is often simple issues such as these that can upset birth children, and parents need to sit down and explain to them what is going on rather than ignoring it, she suggests.
Kenny never resented having foster children in their home, but she knows some children of carers would say it ruined their childhood.
“You can choose to be a social worker if you want; as a child in a [foster] family you can’t choose to be exposed to kids like this. I think for some children, due to their temperament and personality, it is very, very difficult.”
It is no coincidence, Kenny agrees, that she decided to work in the care industry, currently as a project worker in Ballymun.
“You realise that there are other young people out there who are not as lucky.”
HOME TRUTHS: WHAT THE BIRTH CHILDREN OF FOSTER CARERS SAY
There is no support from the health board for us, but I suppose it's nothing to do with us, it's our parents who foster and they get support, I think" – Boy (16)
"Mammy's always busy and tired" – Boy (14)
"We had three children from one family and they just left one day after four years. I was 12 and the girl my age was like my sister, I was shocked" – Girl (16)
"There's no point in getting close to them. I don't bother, they'll just be gone" – Boy (13)
"It's very sad when they leave. I find it hard to keep going, the house gets quiet and I really miss them" – Girl (12)
"I hate all the fighting" – Boy (13)
"Some of them steal your things" – Girl (16)
"You should be asked if you want them to stay in your room" – Boy (15)
"I'm never at home now, I just go to friends' houses to stay over" – Boy (13)
"The children have really sad stories; one girl was living on the street" Girl (14)
"It would be good to talk to someone who understands what it's like. Friends don't understand what it's like. Some of the social workers are nice, but you can't really tell them everything" – Boy (16)
Taken from "The Impact of the Temporary Nature of Foster Care on the Birth Children of Foster Carers" by Brenda Irwin
