Recession will lead to a few changes about the house, says Isabel Morton

OF LATE, I have observed a few changes in our lifestyle. As the rules change almost daily these days, I thought I should keep you all up-to-date with the latest.

The days of leaving your windows bare and all lights on, in order to present your home like a stage set, for passers-by to admire, is over. Windows must now be modestly covered, not only to avoid drafts, but to ensure that the neighbours can't see you wearing your old ski gear in order to keep warm whilst watching TV.

Double interlined curtains are now obligatory, and patchwork curtains, made up of old designer clothes, are considered very desirable, particularly if the designer labels are clearly visible.

All underutilised areas of land bordering the Dart line, the Luas line and the M50, once ear-marked for high density development will be divided up into allotments, where those living in nearby apartments can grow their own fruit and vegetables.

Unemployed estate agents will be retrained to assess the quality of land, soil type,etc, and will act as letting agents for those who wish to rent out their suburban gardens to enthusiastic gardeners. Conservatories and modern glass box kitchen extensions will now be used to grow tomatoes and other produce, which require protection from the elements.

The Government has, in conjunction with Bord Gáis, decided to reintroduce the wartime Glimmer Man, who will be able to make spot checks to ensure that the public is not using too much gas.

It is now against the law to use any form of exterior garden lighting, fountains, water features and anything else which necessitates the unnecessary use of power. Depots have been created nationwide, to enable people to safely dispose of their gas barbecues and outdoor heaters. Designer storm lanterns, which were once purely decorative, are now replacing outdoor lighting, in an effort to avoid having guests fall into the ornamental pond where they may be eaten by the last few surviving koi carp, who have not been fed for weeks.

Minimalist décor is considered passé, as is decorating in various shades of white. The new fashion for all things warm, bright, cheerful and colourful is considered imperative for the mental health of the nation, who may otherwise sink into deep depression if living in stark monochrome surroundings that look even more stark under in the sickly light thrown out by long lasting light bulbs.

Underfloor heating pipes will lie cold and unused beneath expensive stone and marble floors. Taking too long to heat up and cool down, and being difficult to regulate by comparison with individual radiators, their discovery will be the cause of great mirth to the archaeologists of the future.

Hole-in-the-wall contemporary-style remote control gas fires are being removed or boarded up. These virtual fires with their flickering glow never gave out any heat worth talking about in the first place, and now they remind us too much of the frivolous days of old when it was all about appearances.

Open fires will now be compulsory and the Government will reintroduce a grant to install back boilers (remember them?) which, if you can afford to keep the fire burning brightly, should heat a few radiators.

Apartment owners will sue the developers for negligence, as they omitted to provide an open fireplace in each unit.

Holiday homes, particularly those located in the furthest peninsulas of Kerry and Donegal will be boarded up and left desolate. No one will be able to afford the petrol/diesel to get to them, let alone heat them.

Real fur coats are being resurrected from the back of wardrobes and despite huge Dallas-style 1980s shoulder pads, will be worn, as originally intended by our cave men ancestors, to keep warm. (Urban foxes are now in constant fear for their lives.)

All politicians, bankers, mortgage brokers, property developers, architects, planning consultants, builders and estate agents will be considered social outcasts for the foreseeable future.

They will have to queue outside dole offices under cover of darkness, dressed in disguise, and with teams of voluntary minders (unemployed block layers) to ensure that they are not lynched by aggrieved citizens who still resent the fact that they made a few bob in the good old days.

Economists, creative accountants, bailiffs, bouncers, minders, jailers, solicitors, barristers, judges, gardaí, civil servants and tax consultants will be considered the new sexy professions.

A recently commissioned RTÉ reality television series will be called "Real Recession" and will be based on actual footage of evictions and repossessions.

The public will be encouraged to vote for whomever they consider to have the best sob story. The winner will receive a prize of a (previously repossessed) mansion on Shrewsbury Road for the remainder of their lifetime or until the recession is over, whichever comes first.