Calendar Girls has a lot to answer for. Stripping off, in the name of charity, is a virus that is spreading - with Limerick Macra na Feirme among the latest casualties, writes Frank McNally.
The onset of winter brings many ailments, most of which can be successfully treated. But there is at least one bug doing the rounds now against which there is no known defence. This is the mystery virus that makes hitherto healthy people experience a sudden and irresistible urge to take their clothes off for a charity calendar. The condition was first diagnosed in 1999, when it struck down a dozen members of the Rylstone Women's Institute in England, whose plight was later documented in a film, Calendar Girls. Since that initial outbreak, infections have multiplied every year. This Christmas looks like setting yet another record for the number of new cases.
That the bug can strike anywhere is highlighted by some of the latest Irish victims: the women of Limerick Macra na Feirme. Macra na Feirme members would normally be considered low-risk for this kind of thing, and their calendar - in aid of the Limerick Samaritans - admittedly suggests a mild form of the condition. Even so, it features a Miss April wearing only a pair of wellies and a tractor; while Miss March also opts for a two-piece comprising high heels and a small quantity of hay.
Firemen, by contrast, are in a known high-risk category for calendar nudity. And sure enough, members of the Dublin Fire Brigade have been hit again this year, going half-naked in aid of the Irish Cancer Society and the National Council for the Blind.
Their calendar has a fire-safety theme, with a different tip each month on such themes as overloaded sockets and untended chip pans. Unfortunately, the rippling muscles of the models are likely to have an incendiary effect on some viewers. The message from Mr August, for example, seems to be "Come on baby, light my fire". It's just as well he has a big hose.
There is at least a certain logic to the Ryanair cabin crew calendar, in which the airline pursues its commitment to no-frills air travel via a dozen female members of staff who, as well as avoiding frills, are wearing very little else. The models are shot while pretending to perform various kinds of aircraft maintenance, not all of which are practical. In her brave attempt to wash a 737 using only a wet towel and a bikini, Miss October (Joanna from Dublin) gets more suds on herself than on the plane.
On the other hand, if the airline always demonstrated the inflation of a lifebelt in the manner of Nicola from London Stansted (April), passengers might show a lot more interest in the in-flight safety routine.
Among the most famous of these calendars is the one produced annually by the Stade Français rugby team. The club was already unusual in rugby circles for playing away from home in a predominantly pink strip: apparently a joke at the expense of provincial French clubs, who always regarded the team from the capital as homosexuals. First produced in 2001, the Dieux du Stade (Gods of Stade) calendar took homo-eroticism to a whole new level, and was soon so successful that it became a vital part of the club's marketing. The calendar is now complemented by a DVD, lingering lovingly on the annual photo-shoot. And apart from their huge sales, the products are also credited with attracting new fans - including women - to the club's games.
Which is all very well. But most of the calendars about to hit the Christmas market will feature bodies a lot less chiselled than those of Stade Français. Some of them will never have been near a chisel. And although the good causes for which they raise money provide fig leaves for the models, sympathetic lighting and the strategic placement of large props is generally advisable.
If you haven't already posed nude for a 2008 calendar, it's probably too late. For obvious reasons, the pictures - the outdoor ones anyway - tend to be shot during the warmer half of the year. But the nude calendar virus has a five- or six-month incubation period. So be warned. Put one of these on your wall in January and, come next summer, you too may be telling friends and colleagues that you've just thought of a great idea to raise money for charity.