Isabel Morton'shouse is decorated by mid-November, her turkey will be cooked on Christmas Eve, and she plans to take a siesta before dinner on the big day. Does that make you want to scream? Hold on. This is the same woman who had to call the fire brigade one festive season. So with humour and humility, she passes on some top tips.
Some years ago I wrote myself a diatribe in January - in the event that I would forget the outrageous stress that most mothers put themselves through to create the perfect Christmas for their family. That is the problem with Christmas. Everything is expected to be perfect. Once Halloween is over and the Christmas TV commercials appear on our screens we start feeling the pressure. You tell yourself that it's a load of commercial rubbish . . . but year after year you find yourself being sucked down the tinsel tunnel.
You can, of course, be a humbug. No decorations. Tell everyone you are not doing presents as you are donating to a charity. Buy a pre-prepared M & S dinner (delicious, I'm told). Turn off all lights at the front of the house to dissuade visitors, and pretend it's just not happening.
But admit it. You, too, want the perfect Christmas. You, too, want your children to look back through rose-tinted glasses (or softly falling snowflakes) at their ideal family Christmases where their mother sang along to Christmas carols while sieving icing sugar over home-made mince pies. Note that the image always includes a large, warm kitchen, full of the special scent of turkey cooking in the Aga and mulled wine on the hob.
Dreaming over. I know there is absolutely no point in telling you to buy your Christmas presents in August a) because it's now December and b) because nobody can get their head around Christmas while wearing shorts and cooking barbecues. However, the following are my tips for saving your sanity and having some hope of competing with the TV commercials and having a "joyous" holiday season.
The trick is to be as organised as possible, with one aim in mind - to remain calm and ensure that you do not become so stressed that you end up ruining it all for yourself and the entire family.
Accept that advance planning and preparation will save the day. Like any other event, it requires good organisation. It doesn't happen by magic. Not much does. So be realistic and write out lists for everything - as far in advance as possible. The key points are:
•Be sensible. You cannot do it all, so rope in help.
•Be selfish. A worn out host/parent becomes cross and irritable, so make sure you do not let yourself get to that stage of exhaustion.
•Be forgiving. Sometimes even the best laid plans will fail.
•Be honest. It's not a life-or-death situation - it's only Christmas.
GET GOING NOW
Go through your decoration boxes now and throw out broken sets of lights and give away anything you have not used for a few years. Decide on what you are missing and buy them immediately, because if you don't, there will be nothing left. The best decorations will soon be gone. (Dunnes have a great selection this year.)
COLOUR CODE
Decide on a colour scheme for each room. Match the decorations to the decor of the room in question to avoid having the house look like a multi-coloured carnival fairground. If you have a red room, use shades of red, purple and wine. If your room is decorated in soft cream, use cream, white and gold. Those lovely decorations made by your five-year-old in Montessori can be hung on a mini fake tree on the kitchen table. Add a few cheap baubles and the odd mini chocolate Santa Claus or two and it can be the children's own special tree.
LIGHT FANTASTIC
Use candles, but don't have them situated close to fabric or anything else that might easily go up in flames. Put someone responsible in charge of ensuring that all candles are safely blown out when you leave the room. I have not forgotten one New Year's Day when our younger son (then aged about six) decided to throw the hot liquid wax from the candles into the fire. The result was a chimney fire, the arrival of the fire brigade and the speedy disappearance of our guests.
My pet hate is ceiling lights. They should hang there and look good, should be only turned on when you have to clean or do something in the room that requires good strong lighting. Otherwise table lamps are far more attractive and give out much more forgiving light. The average-sized room requires four table lamps to create the correct mood and provide the right amount of light.
When drawing up your shopping list for the Christmas period do not forget to include a selection of spare bulbs. Other things which are often forgotten are the boring items such as loo paper, cling film, tin foil, kitchen paper, fuel for the fire, firelighters, wrapping paper, Sellotape and gift tags, batteries, milk, butter, bread, tea and coffee, breakfast cereal, etc. It is extremely irritating to have to face the queues due to the fact that you have forgotten one of these unexciting but essential items.
DON'T GO OVERBOARD
Don't attempt to cover every surface with decorations. It looks hectic and makes everyday living a nightmare. Stick a swag on the mantelpiece or choose one designated table for your display, then place the odd fun, decorative item around the room.
Put up all decorations, with the exception of your Christmas tree (if using a real one) by the first week in December. Honestly, it's worth trying. That way you can enjoy the month in the smug knowledge that you are ahead of the posse. Real trees should not be put up until the middle of December otherwise they will not stay in prime condition until the 25th.
Mind you, a Polish delivery man could not quite believe his eyes when he saw me halfway through putting up my decorations in November. The language barrier prevented me from explaining that due to work and social commitments I had to decorate a few weeks earlier than usual. His expression clearly indicated that he thought I was a lunatic with nothing better to do with her time. On that note, I warn you not to decorate the exterior of your house until December 1st, at the earliest, unless you want your neighbours to sign a petition to have you evicted from the area.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Front doors should look welcoming and inviting. A wreath and a few candles in lanterns or jars are all that is required. Much as we all enjoy stopping to gawk at the house which is lit up like "a Christmas tree" with Santa on a ladder halfway up the roof and Rudolf eating the grass in the front garden - we must know where to draw the line. I add mandarin oranges and red chillies to my wreath (use a large needle and clear nylon). Do not use organic oranges and chillies as they are "real" food and do not last as long as the normal supermarket ones. Plenty of food for thought there.
GET STIRRING
If you don't make your Christmas pudding in November, do it now. It will taste better if it has time to mature. Also make some hard brandy butter and pop it in a lidded container in the back of your fridge. Enjoy a glass of whatever alcohol you have put in your pudding to celebrate the fact that two more things can be struck off your list.
ON THE CARDS
Write your Christmas cards early (no one need ever know). If you are planning a Christmas drinks party you can include the invitation with the card. You will of course receive abusive texts from your friends who are jealous of your efficiency, but on the positive side - you are likely to receive more cards - and with any luck, more invitations as well!
PRESENT AND CORRECT
Get help buying presents via letters (to you-know-who). Request lists from your children, and have them help you choose suitable gifts for their siblings. Invariably, teenagers will scoff at your choice of present, unless you have been given very specific guidelines. Set aside shopping time with each child to buy for the other children. It works. Kids just know what's cool and what is most definitely not. This saves time, grief and the inevitable rush to exchange items in January. The unexpected plus to these shopping trips with children is that you can enjoy some fun time with each child individually - a rare treat for both parent and child these days. Younger children are of course exempt from these trips as "you know who" looks after them.
HAM IT UP
Order a cooked ham from Hick's in Dún Laoghaire (better than any home-cooked ham I have ever tasted), or from your trusty local butcher. Collect it on December 23rd. On the 25th, slice as much as you require, display it on a large platter and pour a very light mix of chicken stock and pure orange juice on top. Cover it with foil and heat it up in the oven at a low temperature on the day. This ensures that there is no last-minute savage hacking at the ham by your slightly inebriated husband and that the ham is moist and warm and ready to serve.
GETTING IN THE MOOD
Christmas Eve should be fun, not frazzled. Avoid doing any last-minute shopping on the 24th. Just pretend that the shops close on the 22nd, and that way you will have bought everything you need in advance.
Make Christmas Eve a family day. Gather them all around the kitchen table. Play a CD of Christmas songs and carols. Serve mulled wine to everyone, children included (use non-alcoholic wine for them). Give them all jobs to do. Peeling and chopping vegetables, setting the dining room table, bringing in fuel for the fire, making place names for the table, and so on. You are not expected to be Superwoman and slave away in the kitchen on your own. As long as the children (whatever their age) feel that they are part of the preparations they will help. The trick is to make it fun.
If possible, treat the family to lunch in a restaurant on Christmas Eve (after all their hard work). It is a great relief to eat food that you have not shopped for, prepared, or cooked yourself, and helps to get everyone into the Christmas spirit. Be warned that you need to book early, as most restaurants get booked up.
Try to have a siesta when you get home from the restaurant as Christmas Eve is always a late night. When young children are in bed you can lock yourself away to finish present wrapping. Regardless of how organised I am, I always end up wrapping presents late into the night of the 24th.
TURKEY TIPS
The turkey (annually referred to as "boiled elephant" by my father) can actually taste moist and delicious if cooked slowly in a medium heat oven on Christmas Eve. The reason for cooking the bird 24 hours before it is required is to a) avoid the usual scenario of burning the guts out of it on the 25th because granny has nodded off while waiting for dinner to be served; b) having to spend another hour using the roasting tin to make gravy while the turkey is left aside to "relax" and c) having to watch the by-now irritated husband tearing the carcass to shreds with his bare hands.
Let the turkey cool down before slicing it. Slice one half of it and arrange it on a serving platter. Make the gravy (using at least half a bottle of good red wine). Take a small amount of the gravy and water it down with a chicken stock cube and water so that it has a light, watery (but tasty) consistency and pour a little of this over the sliced turkey. Cover with foil and reheat slowly in the oven the next day, as with the ham.
Present the remains of the by-now cold turkey and ham on the side board for everyone to admire over dinner on Christmas Day. No one will know that you have cooked and sliced both in advance. Your partner will be thrilled that he does not have to carve in front of an impatient audience. The meat will be served hot, moist and delicious. And most importantly, you will not look and behave like the Duchess (or the Mad Hatter) in Alice in Wonderland. (I cheat on recreating the delicious smell of the turkey roasting in the oven on Christmas Day by putting the wings and the scraps into a small tin in a hot oven for an hour before dinner. The smell alone gives everyone an appetite. Extras such as bread sauce and cranberry sauce can be bought from a smart shop or deli, or made in advance.)
Vegetables will have to be cooked on the day - ideally at the last moment. However, if you steam them lightly, making sure to undercook them, then cover them and put them in a warming oven; they will survive an hour or so in reasonable condition. This gives you a chance to enjoy a drink before dinner while pretending that you have had nothing whatsoever to do with its preparation.
ALL HANDS ON DECK
Have younger children take turns to clear used dishes from the table and have older children take turns to serve. An adult or teenager should supervise the younger ones to avoid any disasters. The exhausted cook should not, if at all possible, have to move from the table once dinner has been served. Sounds impossible? It's not. All the preparation and pre-planning allows you to actually enjoy the meal. And by sharing the serving and clearing, each member of the family feels involved but not overworked.
THE DAY AFTER
Make sure you all get out on the 26th for a long walk or some form of exercise - rain, hail or shine - as too much food and sitting around playing games or watching TV makes everyone rather tetchy after two days. Ice skating is popular these days, but try to avoid starting the new year with broken limbs. Take it easy, especially if you are over a certain age. Or let everyone else go out for a walk while the mastermind has a bath or a siesta.
NOW IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE, AGAIN
If you are attempting to do some large-scale entertaining and planning on doing it all yourself, remember to keep it simple, and do it well. One of my early attempts at a New Year's day drinks party was nearly ruined by a sudden and heavy snowfall which delayed the guests' arrival by almost two hours.
I had just got to the point of feeding the birds with the soggy Ritz crackers and pate (well, it was the late 1970s) when the first guest arrived. I was then so relieved that someone had made the effort to leave their own warm home, let alone battle the elements to get to the party, that I force-fed them the soggy Ritz and almost forgot to serve them a drink.
Drinks parties definitely require good drink. There's nothing worse than people getting varicose veins standing around making small talk to strangers while clutching empty glasses. They can see their host in the far corner of the room, wine bottle in hand, chatting away to a guest who is the only one getting their glass refilled. Remember to stay on the move.
If you are providing the food yourself, keep in mind my soggy Ritz with pate, and avoid same. And accept the fact that, as the hosts, you do have to at least greet your guests, so have friends and family help serve the food and drink. You cannot do everything and still be sociable.
If you are going to hire staff and a caterer, make sure they are the best. Do not trust someone else's recommendation unless you share the same standards. Ideally only hire people whom you have seen in action at someone else's party.
REWARD YOURSELF
It's been hectic, and hard work, so plan some kind of treat for yourself early in the New Year. Spoil yourself with a little luxury. And hide the carving knives - just in case you are tempted to use them on anything other than the turkey and ham.
AND FINALLY . . .
•Treat the turkey as you would a large chicken.
•Blame Disney movies for creating the illusion - it's all about keeping everyone happy for 24 hours.
•Remember, it only happens once a year.
•Give the children memories - preferably good ones.
•Women's "guilt" is passed down from generation to generation. Men do not suffer from this complaint.
•Just keep smiling - it will be over soon.