First-class air travel offers all the trappings of luxury, with capacious seats and free champagne. But there's no need to suffer from class envy in the skies. Gerry Mullins advises on how to blag your way up to first class
There's an amusing passage in Timothy Collings' biography of Eddie Jordan in which he describes the Formula One boss's penchant for travelling first class, despite paying for economy-class seats only. On boarding the aircraft, Fast Eddie's travelling companions would turn right towards the economy section, but Eddie always turned left and took the first available seat in first class. It worked well until the day the cabin crew checked their lists, and a humbled Jordan had to be escorted down to economy.
Most of us can share Eddie Jordan's desire to score one over the airlines and their annoying efforts to keep us down at the miserable level we have paid for. While we are served by grumpy cabin crew and sit among the great masses of screaming babies and super-sized passengers, we know that just beyond that little curtain there is another world where passengers languish in comfy seats that fold down into beds. They are served by exquisite creatures who flirt as they pour free champagne, and they make idle conversation with the rich, the famous, the beautiful, and the occasional motor racing legend.
There's a distinction here between first-class and business-class seating. Where first class describes the luxurious seating and sometimes sleeping areas on long-haul flights, business class more usually refers to the large leather armchairs at the front of short-hop aircraft.
Eddie Jordan's tactic of turning left is difficult to achieve nowadays because the airlines purposely block this route with a cabin crew member who checks ticket stubs. (No, they're not just there to welcome you onto the plane.) But there are other ways to circumvent their petty obstacles, and here are some of the more successful ones.
THE QUICK SIT
On planes where passengers board through the door at the front and walk through business class en route to cattle class, simply look confident and sit in the first vacant leather seat you see. It works better if you are one of the last to board so that the rightful owner doesn't appear behind you and kick you out.
ASK POLITELY
Upgrading is a routine practice that forms part of the policy of overbooking economy class. It is reasonable to simply ask if your section has been overbooked, and if so, could you be upgraded. If the entire aircraft has been overbooked, volunteer to be rerouted, or to be put on a later flight (in first class of course).
Tact is always important. Try: "Is there an upgrade available for an affordable price?", or "Do I qualify for an upgrade?" The wording implies you're not a complete chancer.
One Dublin-based airline manager said it often helps if the person is working for a large and important company that might be able to send new business in the airline's direction. Don't be afraid to name-drop your large important company.
GOOD APPEARANCE
Your chances of getting an upgrade are enhanced by dressing well. Jeans, runners and other slacker styles often cost their wearers a little piece of pampering in the sky, and they never even know. Even in the era when business attire often means "business casual", men should always wear a suit, with a well-pressed shirt and perhaps a bright silk tie. Women should dress in the female equivalent.
ARRIVE LATE
Because economy is the first section to be filled, if you arrive late you may have to be facilitated in a higher class of seat. This is a risky strategy because you could arrive so late that the entire flight is full, and you may be bumped onto a later one. If this happens, politely explain how this will severely inconvenience you and cause you to miss your sick child's fifth birthday party, which coincides with your wedding anniversary, not to mention the important meeting with your company's director of travel budgets. Be gracious enough to forgive them for bumping you onto the next flight, but make them aware that an upgrade will better help you cope with the family and professional difficulties that await.
FREQUENT FLYERS
Most programmes allow frequent-flyer card holders to trade frequent-flyer miles in exchange for upgrades. In addition, many ticket agents will give priority to card holders when offering free upgrades. It is advisable to collect frequent flyer cards, even if you don't travel frequently.
THE DON'TS
Don't be rude. In Dublin airport recently, a man who was well-dressed and a frequent flyer demanded an upgrade. He was technically an SFU (airline speak for "suitable for upgrade"), but the ticket agent told him there were no available seats in business class. This was a lie; the ticket agent simply didn't appreciate the man's arrogant manner. But he will never know this.
Don't travel in a group. There's little chance of upgrading three or four people together, or someone with a child in their arms.
Don't be too obvious. A Qatar Airways official told me of a couple checking-in while still in their wedding clothes and requesting an upgrade for this, the first leg of their honeymoon. They were refused because it was all too ostentatious, and might have started a "so are we" situation among other passengers.
Don't threaten to offload. This is a practice whereby the passenger checks-in his/her bags, and later declares they aren't feeling well, and will need an upgrade or else won't be able to travel. This puts the airline in a difficult situation; they must either upgrade the passenger or go to the trouble of finding and unloading the person's bags. This is crossing the line between fun and nasty, and the airline will usually call the bluff of the "sick" passenger.
* The Big Trip - Ireland's only long-haul holiday and ski show, the Big Trip, takes place in Dublin's RDS next Saturday and Sunday, September 24th and 25th. Now in its second year, the show will feature national tourist boards, long-haul airlines, ski companies, tour operators and travel agents among its 90 exhibitors. The show's organiser, Specialist Holiday Group, will be represented by its brands American Holidays, Tropical Places, Crystal Holidays and Austravel. More than 10,000 visitors are expected over the two days. Running 11am-5pm both days, admission costs €8 per person and €15 for a family ticket. Further information from www.thebigtrip.ie