More than words There are two types of forgiveness and the first is easy. "That's the type we teach children – when a child hits another, we ask them to say sorry and the other child says 'I forgive you'. But they are just words. It's just a decision that we make not to retaliate really," says RCSI positive psychology lecturer Dr Jolanta Burke.
Emotional forgiveness is completely different. “Until we see the difference between decisional forgiveness and true emotional forgiveness, then we won’t be able to actually forgive.”
Forgiveness is about us Emotional forgiveness has nothing to do with the perpetrator but has a lot to do with us, says Burke. It doesn't have to entail the reciprocal exchange of our childhood. Forgiveness is something we can decide for ourselves. "True forgiveness is where we think about the situation or person who has done us wrong and we experience either neutral or positive emotions. Whether or not we go to the person and say, 'I forgive you' is totally irrelevant."
Forgiveness is not always good. Some research of those abused by partners shows that when forgiveness happens, the person is more likely to return to the abusive partner. “It’s forgive, not forget, really,” says Burke.
How do we do it? Whether someone cuts in front of you at the supermarket or a colleague seems to snub you, try to find compassion. "Think, what is it like for the other person, maybe they are having a bad day. Maybe they are suffering just as we all do," says Burke. If you know the perpetrator, it's reminding yourself of their positive qualities. "Everyone of us has good and bad qualities, so it's trying to neutralise it."
More than words Holding a grudge is hard work. "If something keeps playing on your mind, like a friend hasn't returned your calls, you are really annoyed and suddenly they call you as though nothing has happened, you can carry a grudge," says Burke. Have a conversation with the person and share your hurt, or put it in a letter. But don't send it.
“Write briefly what hurt you so much. Try to understand their motives. Try to have compassion towards them – compassion is about knowing we all live in a difficult world, we are all suffering and sometimes we do things we shouldn’t do. Then describe the reasons you want to forgive them. Make a statement at the end saying you want to forgive.”
“The idea is not only to change your thoughts, but also to express yourself in some way by labelling it: ‘I’m really angry and I’d like to let go and move on.’”
The letter can bring mixed feelings. “You may start to realise, in some circumstances, you contributed to the situation. So you may need to forgive yourself as well.”
Forgiveness can be divine We can choose to forgive or not to forgive, but there can be consequences to not doing it, says Burke. "When something bad happens, some of us ruminate. That is not good for us and is associated with depression. We want to be free from negative emotions and from the bad thing that has happened and forgiveness can allow us to do that."
Forgiveness is associated with higher levels of wellbeing and more experiences of positive emotions and meaningfulness. “These assets can help us cope with adversity more effectively.”
