Another year over. What ho. How was it for you? For me, the main motoring highlight would have to be the continued ownership of my lovely old boat, the Duchess. I still squirm in joy at the sheer pleasure of cruising in the automotive masterpiece that is the BMW 2002. When she's running, that is, writes Kilian Doyle
The motoring lowlight has to be (drumroll, please, maestro) the ownership of the Duchess. The old wagon has me riddled with fear and loathing. Fear that she wouldn't start, loathing at the sight of the fuel gauge as it drops quicker than Northern Rock's share value. Note that I said "continued" ownership. That situation has been, and continues to be, under review. Stubborn and impatient as I am, I think I may not be cut out for classic car ownership. We'll see.
My other highlight has to be being carted around at a million miles an hour in a Ford World Rally Championship car in Sligo. My internal organs have only this week returned to their intended positions. Enough about my kidneys. What other awful stuff do we now know that we didn't know a year ago?
1. An overturned truck near the East-Link bridge can bring the whole of Dublin's traffic network grinding to a halt in a massive domino effect. How embarrassing is that?
2. Tens of thousands of people still drink and drive, despite it now being about as socially acceptable as marrying your mother during your father's funeral.
3. Tens of thousands of others lash drugs into themselves before getting behind the wheel.
4. Over 25,000 penalty points notices have been issued since 2006 to mobile-toting motorists, 27 halfwits have points for driving the wrong way up a motorway, and another 36 have been busted going the wrong way around a roundabout. The mind boggles.
5. Despite our continued predilection for upstream driving sozzled, while texting the location of Garda checkpoints to our mates, road deaths are dropping significantly. How, considering the above stats, did that happen?
6. Car ownership in Ireland has reached a new high, with one car for every two people over the age of 15 in the State.
7. Irish people are growing ever more vulgar and selfish, evinced by the fact that SUV sales are up 30 per cent on the previous year.
8. Martin Cullen was an irredeemably rubbish transport minister (All right, so that doesn't really belong in this category).
9. Cullen's replacement, Noel Dempsey has, in his own words, put his "neck on the line" and promised to have the driving test waiting list backlog cleared by this coming June. Presumably, his comments about decapitation mean he intends to resign if he fails. Which, with nearly 180,000 people currently waiting for their test, looks touch and go.
Here's my own promise for 2008: if Dempsey makes the deadline, I'll eat my hat. If he fails and then actually goes ahead with his pledge to resign, proving that he alone among his party doesn't have the backbone of a slug, I'll get scoffing too.
I'm fairly confident neither scenario will come to pass, though I'm secretly rather hoping one or other does. For I have a contingency plan.
Cunning fellow that I am, I spent St Stephen's Day sculpting myself a dashingly handsome hat out of leftover ham. It's a pork pie, naturally. Not only is it mouthwateringly enticing, but it looks positively dashing.
If I don't get to eat it, I may just wear it instead. Pigheaded by name . . .