Mind the tramsI'm guessing by now most of you have heard tell of the furore over the naming of the new tram system in Seattle. If you have, please be patient with me during this slight glitch in our timetable, while I explain the gist of it to the latecomers. It won't take long. The rest of the column will be along in a minute.
Officially, Seattle's new $50 million light rail system is called the South Lake Union Streetcar. Or SLUS for short. But some canny operators have been doing a roaring trade knocking out T-shirts bearing the acronym of what they claim was the originally-intended name of the system - the South Lake Union Trolleycar. You work it out.
Of course, the developers insist the rumours are an urban myth and maintain "streetcar" was chosen because it sounded modern, compared to "trolleycar" which they dismiss as old-fashioned. Run that by me again? "Streetcar" is hip and modern lingo in the city that spawned Starbucks and Microsoft? Am I missing something here? Methinks someone's had too many quadruple espressos while battling with an ever-crashing laptop.
It's not a first for smutty tram-related acronyms. In the 1980s, the authorities in the San Francisco area planned to extend their Bay Area Rapid Transit (Bart) system into the surrounding foothills. Apparently, plans were drawn up, money was appropriated and construction was started. It was only when they stuck up billboards advertising the Foothills Area Rapid Transit that someone worked out their mistake.
Not that our own dear Luas in Dublin has escaped name-related ridicule. For a start, Luas means "Speed" as Gaeilge. Which is the greatest misnomer since "friendly fire". The thing is slower than a one-legged tortoise crossing a tarpit. My esteemed colleague Frank McNally has beaten me to the pun about Luas women in his Irishman's Diary. He also commended the brains behind Luas for "picking a name that nobody could possibly subvert".
Perhaps he's right. But I can still try.
How about Leave Us All Standing? Let Us Ape Sardines? Or Late, Uncomfortable And Slow? (Oh, all right. So that last one isn't fair. It isn't always late. And, unless it's packed and the only place for you to fit your head is wedged into a labourer's armpit, it's quite comfortable. But it is undeniably slow. I've seen stalactites move quicker).
I wonder would there be a market for T-shirts bearing these logos? Of course, they would have to be those figure-hugging second-skin jobs all the rugby boys are wearing these days. Preferably with built-in lubrication systems to facilitate wearers in their efforts to squeeze themselves into tight spots on the Luas.
Speaking of tight spots, how about using the proposed Dublin Metro system to honour Our Great Leader Bertie Ahern in his time of need? Like some parts of the Luas Red Line, the poor chap is going through a bit of a rough patch. What better way to boost his flagging spirits than by naming the metro after him? (Why not? The notion of naming Dublin's Port Tunnel after Charles Haughey was being touted not so long ago. Thankfully, after a brief bit of cap-doffing bluster, its proponents followed the route of the tunnel and went underground).
We could call it the Bertie Underground Narrow Gauge. The acronym is open to misinterpretation, admittedly. But, as I'm sure Mr Ahern will appreciate, the bung in this case is a reference to this new railway system plugging a hole in the capital's transport infrastructure. And nothing else.
Like Bertie's finances, it'll be found in a big black hole, one so deep that no matter how hard hardened professionals try to illuminate it, everyone will still be left in the dark. Hopefully, unlike his Mahon tribunal testimony, the BUNG won't just go around in circles, leaving everyone dizzy, disorientated and even more lost than ever. Whether or not it will eventually go off the rails, I couldn't say.
Next week: Michael O'Leary and his new Right You, Any Nonsense And I'm Rerouting venture
