Emissions/Kilian Doyle: Regular readers of this column will know by now I'm a man of many pet hates. So many in fact, that I could open a zoo. And the Alpha male lion in that zoo would be . . . the SUV.
Sports Utility Vehicle? I think not. Try Selfish, Unnecessary and Vindictive. And that's just the idiots driving them.
It's hardly surprising then that I'm a big fan of the Environment Liberation Front. This merry bunch of revolutionaries is engaged in an ongoing battle with SUV owners, among others, including vivisectionists and property developers, all across America.
Taking their methodology of direct, violent action from the Animal Liberation Front, they've got a lot of Americans very worried. But then, perhaps that's not such an achievement when you consider it's a country whose government's primary mode of control is breeding institutionalised paranoia.
ELF activists call themselves "terrists", everyone else calls them "terrorists" and the FBI regards them as the Number One domestic threat. (It must be noted here that FBI agents are big, big fans of the SUV.)
In the past year, scores of gas-guzzling SUVs across the States have been treated with glass-etching cream, had their tyres slashed and even been incinerated by ELF radicals. Car dealerships are a favourite target, with Humvee vendors meriting special attention.
SUVs are evil. Even Ford has admitted that only between 5 and 14 per cent of SUV driving time is used for off-road activities and 87 per cent of Ford Explorer owners have never taken their vehicle off-road. They use twice as much petrol, release twice as much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and are three times as likely to cause fatalities in a crash as an average family saloon. You may as well wear a t-shirt that says "I Hate The World" while you're driving one.
While I'm in full accord with their ideology, the ELF's modus operandi leaves a lot to be desired. Whatever about the risk to human life, but torching cars? Burning tyres and petrol tanks and rubber? Hardly environmentally conscious is it? The ELF is kind of defeating the purpose there, isn't it? ELFs would probably garner a lot more sympathy if they broke into SUV dealerships and dismantled all the cars, recycled them and turned them into park benches or children's adventure playgrounds. Now that would be impressive.
The funniest thing about it all is the fact that America's 24 million US SUV drivers, running scared as it were, have set up their own organisation, the SUV Owners of America (SUVOA) "to defend their consumer rights". (Note the emphasis on consumer.) They've even set up their own website, www.suvoa.com, which is good for a giggle, if you can see the humour in crypto- fascism.
The SUV apologists claim they are the misunderstood victims of a conspiracy and dismiss their opponents as dangerous crackpots. They even claim that because they use so much petrol, SUVs actually discourage their owners from driving, thus saving the planet in the process. Well, I don't know about you, but that's me convinced. Not.
SUVOA members are probably the kind of people who are also members of the NRA and regard the possession of a lethal weapon - be it a sub-machinegun or a monster truck - as a god-given right. I'm not religious, but if I was, I'd make damn sure the god I worshipped didn't give me carte blanche to shoot people and destroy his handiwork through pollution. Hardly a healthy role model, is it? If I've offended anyone - tough. I'll see you in hell.
But this isn't all about America. The pernicious influence of the US is ubiquitous in Ireland and SUVs are no exception. They're everywhere, clogging up the roads and arteries of the whole country.
I have no major problem with farmers and other rural types who need them for work. But in cities? So all you lovely SUV drivers, tell me this - what possible earthly justification can you have for owning one of these behemoths in a city?
Answers on a postcard, please. I await with anticipation. (Don't bother regurgitating propaganda verbatim from SUVOA's rantings. You're wasting your time. I'm immune.)