NEXT WEEKEND the country will sit down to fill in the census form. It happens every five years, and usually there is the novelty of some new questions and a debate about certain answer options. This year, though, the census form has not been particularly contentious. Perhaps it would be more engaging if it asked a different set of questions, or gave a wider range of options. Such as:
What age are you?
(a) 20-35, (b) 36-50, (c) over 50 or (d) five years older than the last time you asked.
What type of accommodation does your household occupy?
(a) detached, (b) semi-detached, (c) terraced or (d) the only occupied unit of an estate in Leitrim.
What is your current occupation?
(a) civil servant or (b) none.
How much alcohol do you drink a week?
(a) One to 10 units, (b) 11-20 units, (c) 21-30 units or (d) all of the above.
Have you left the country for a prolonged period of time recently?
(a) yes or (b) do you think I’d be back here if I had?
Starting at the highest, what level of education have you reached?
(a) PhD, (b) degree, (c) diploma, (d) second level, (e) primary school or (f) a journalism course.
What is your primary form of transport?
(a) pedestrian, (b) bicycle, (c) car, (d) bus or (e) Irish f***ing Rail.
Which cultural background do you most clearly identify with?
(a) Irish, (b) British, (c) north African, (d) eastern European, (e) North American, (f) South American or (g) Dublin 6 West.
What is your religion?
(a) Catholic, (b) Church of Ireland, (c) Muslim, (d) Jewish, (e) no religion or (f) all of the above.
Can you speak Irish?
(a) yes, (b) no, (c) as long as you don’t actually ask me any questions in Irish, then yes, or (d) un peu.
How would you describe your current principal status?
(a) unemployed, (b) retired from employment, (c) working for payment or profit or (d) working for the payment or profit of bondholders.
What sporting activity do you do most?
(a) Wii Fit, (b) fantasy football or (c) dodging opportunities to go to the Aviva Stadium.
How is your health in general?
(a) good, (b) fair or (c) don’t get me started.
What is your relationship to other persons in the household?
(a) spouse, (b) partner or (c) don’t get me started.
Are you the main earner in the house?
(a) yes, (b) no or (c) it’s our teenage daughter, who does some babysitting at weekends.
Do you have a bank account?
(a) yes or (b) no, yet I own six banks: go figure.
Do you have any unwanted jewellery or gold in the household?(If the answer is yes, then please place it in the envelope provided and post it to the Department of Finance, Upper Merrion Street, Dublin 2.)
Do you claim to be a relative of Barack Obama?
(a) yes or (b) doesn’t everyone?
Do you have access to the internet?
(a) yes, (b) no or (c) fail.
Did you fill this form in before April 10th?
No.
You did, didn't you?Yes.
What questions would you ask?Send your suggestions to shegarty@irishtimes.com, or twitter.com/shanehegarty