QUESTION: My next-door neighbours have a daughter who is a serious alcoholic; she is now 35. She has been in rehab at least seven or eight times. The drinking has been going on since her early 20s. She is incapable of remaining sober – although it's been better recently – for more than six months. Her parents keep supporting her and she is always allowed to come home. Should they break the tie and tell her she has to go and sort herself out and not support her any more?
This has a terrible effect on their relationship. They have to live with this all the time. When she comes home in a bad way, the house has been trashed and she has stolen things. It’s completely wearying. They have tried throwing her out, but she managed to break back into the house. She knows that she can always come home; sometimes she has a key and sometimes not.
She had her own house but she fell down the stairs and had a serious injury, so now she is back living at home. She is on her own and has lost all her friends. My neighbours are really good people and often come to me for support, but it is very hard to watch them walk on eggshells and live fearfully. I know they would take my advice seriously but I am afraid to suggest the wrong thing.
ANSWER: This is an incredibly difficult situation and it has sucked in many people into years of suffering – not least the alcoholic woman herself. It seems that you have become the adviser and the confidant in this situation, and this role might not be appropriate. You clearly care a lot and you are a good neighbour and friend, but it would be good to recast this role so that you are not taking on too much responsibility.
You say that the woman has been in rehab many times, so clearly there has been a number of organisations involved in her care. My guess is that these interventions happened following a crisis; it would be useful to look at this pattern, as you can obviously see that the situation is deteriorating and that something needs to be done.
Perhaps exhaustion has set in with her parents as the years have gone on with no resolution in sight. They may not have the energy to instigate another request for support, and yet if they do nothing they are contributing to their own mental and emotional ill health. That they are asking you for advice shows that they need help to make decisions and support to put these decisions into practice.
Could they contact the professionals who have been involved in their daughter’s care over the years? These professionals will have a good knowledge of the history of what works and fails in this particular story and would be well-placed to give advice and support. In your role as friend, you could perhaps offer to accompany them to the venue.
However, the decision and any action the parents take need to be made by them using the best knowledge and advice available. No doubt the parents feel this is a no-win situation, as they will feel guilty if they put restrictions on their daughter and feel they are contributing to her downfall if they continue to do nothing.
Perhaps you have picked up on this and feel that you too are stuck and helpless. There are many approaches to managing alcohol problems; interventions vary from AA to the HSE and voluntary and private bodies. However, we cannot force someone to avail of help, and almost all interventions necessitate some acknowledgement and willingness on the part of the drinkers to seek change.
The parents seem to realise their support has not achieved any lasting change and they are seeking a new direction. It may be that talking over their frustrations and fears with you offers them some temporary relief, but then the story continues as before.
As a friend, could you tell them that you feel you have now joined them in their helplessness and you do not want this to continue? Suggest they talk to professionals. Offer friendship but tell them that you need them to take and follow professional advice, as you do not have the answers.
You can support them through the tough times ahead by being a good listener, but all of you will need relief in the form of normal social activities, and perhaps now would be a good time to instigate this.
Trish Murphy is a psychotherapist. Email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com for advice. We regret that personal correspondence cannot be entered into
