Shane Hegarty's encyclopaedia of modern Ireland
When we finally get our special-savings- incentive-account money, the only thing missing will be Derek Mooney to give it to us. The Government might consider temporarily replacing the national anthem with the sound of a till ringing. Fourteen billion euro will be released into our pockets when the scheme ends, and the only thing more potent than the rampant consumer spending power will be the rampant consumer smugness.
When the Government announced that it would give us a pound for every four we saved, most of us made sure to examine the scheme, do the sums, talk it over with the family, run it by the accountant and bank manager - and then completely forget about it until five minutes before the deadline.
There was a sense that it was all too good to be true. The Government, remember, had only recently insisted that nothing could go wrong if we bought Eircom shares. So, although the first SSIAs will mature next March, most of us will have to wait until 2007. This has triggered the great question of our age: Is it better to book the builders now, get a bank loan and get the work done early or just hang on until the money comes in?
The only certainty is that the nation's builders will keep firmly within the spirit of the enterprise. Once they realise it's SSIA money you're spending, they'll make sure that for every €4 they had planned to charge you they'll add another €1 to the bill.
Surveys have shown that home improvements are top of the list of things we will do with the money. Other popular plans include buying property, getting a new car, going on a cruise and, the old favourite, rolling around a bed covered with cash while laughing hysterically. Ten per cent of people questioned said they planned to reinvest the money wisely. But three-quarters of those then said they were only joking.
With luck, those who failed to open SSIAs will have made up for their mistake by putting money away over the past few years. They will have invested carefully, managed their savings, built up their equity. Because they're going to need every last cent to pay for a very long holiday, very far away, if they hope to avoid hearing everyone else crowing about their riches.
They must have spent the past few years with a gnawing sense of regret and envy. So, if you have an SSIA, avoid boasting, offer a comforting shoulder to unlucky acquaintances and, perhaps, find a way to take their minds off their misfortune. Why not invite them over for a glass of champagne in the new conservatory and ask them for help deciding which Arctic Spa to buy?