Go Citybreak:Some cities lie beside the sea but Amsterdam sits right in it, swamped by canals so, naturally, the best way to enjoy Europe's most liberated port is on a boat, says ARTHUR DEENY
WHERE DO you take the kids on holiday, when they’re not kids any more? If you’re still on speaking terms with your progeny, long after the time when they’ve outgrown Disneyland and Donegal, take a walk on the wet side and rent a houseboat in Amsterdam.
No nautical skills are necessary as these vessels are moored fast to dockside or canal bank. The craft on offer are as varied and eccentric as their owners and fully vindicate the opinion of Ratty, in Wind in the Willows, that "there is nothing half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats".
Of course every maritime adventure has some squalls and, when our owner turned up two hours late to let us on, we had a frank exchange of views. After that he was very frank about just what his on-board plumbing could and could not deal with. I will draw a veil. He did not. Then he expounded at length on the merits of the Red Light district. I exchanged a look with my wife and adult daughters. We thanked him and he left, clutching my cash.
After that we settled down to enjoy ourselves, which we did heartily. Old Amsterdam is hardly any bigger than old Dublin and perfect for strolling in. You have to watch out for bicycles, which have right of way over other vehicles and every living creature. A big Dutch woman on an old upright is a scary enough sight if you only see her bearing down on you at the last moment. They scorn to ring a bell.
The city could be said to radiate out from the rail terminus at Centraal (they love to slip in an extra vowel here and there) Station in ever increasing semi circles of canals. The most obvious route to take is down the Damrak to the Dam that gave the place its name. The Amstel, which now flows from beer taps, was dammed around here about 1,000 years ago, and they’ve been pushing water around ever since.
It really doesn't matter which direction you take. You'll soon find either a canal side café, or a coffee shop (of which more anon) where you can you make yourself cosy, or gezellig, as they say. Of course the Dutch are consummate linguists, having traded with the world for a millennium, so you don't have to attempt their language.
I tried to say alstublieftwhen I wanted something and bedanktwhen I got it but there's no need. So talented are they, that it's a bit of a shock when they lapse into their native guttural tongue, which sounds not unlike Klingon.
It's the same story with the food. Amsterdam is home to the cooking of all nations, from the biggest Chinese restaurant in Europe (on a boat, of course) to countless Indonesian restaurants offering variations on rijsttafel. Traditional Dutch fare is simple stuff by contrast. Sophisticated businessmen will eat a herring, raw from a street stall, with gusto and they have an unfathomable fondness for pea soup and funny little balls of stew in breadcrumbs called bitterballen.
ON THE OTHERhand, these rustic meals and lackadaisical hippy behaviour are everywhere encompassed by architecture of considerable charm and sophistication. There are no grand boulevards and few pillared porticos. Instead you enjoy the sight of serried ranks of solid burghers' homes, each with a little crane sticking out of the attic. The practical reason for these was to lift furniture and goods that could not be manhandled up the narrow stairs. The symbolic significance was that nobody in the Golden Age of Amsterdam was too affected to acknowledge that they were involved in trade.
Go to the Rembrandthuis to understand truly what those old Dutch Masters were all about. Their tightly packed homes had high narrow windows from which light filtered down at dramatic angles. The painters were constrained to treat with loving care each and every photon of daylight, as precious as a pearl earring. The rooms too were narrow, dark fortresses against the pitiless wind and rain that blew in fresh in from the North Sea.
The Rijksmuseum, across the outermost canal, is one of the few buildings here that look truly splendid. Inside you will see the long dead customers of Rembrandt and Vermeer portrayed in all their splendid finery.
MOVE ACROSS TOthe modern Van Gogh Museum nearby to see what poor Vincent was all about. That great tortured soul travelled through France to the Mediterranean and there the terrible southern sun drove him quite mad. The sun floods his canvases with sulphurous yellows that had never been seen in a Dutch interior. Its cruel beauty is everywhere a revelation and a threat.
If you’ve been really good and cultural, trawling through museums, you might feel like rewarding yourself with a spell in the Heineken museum. Don’t.
When we went there, we saw no brewing, just garish multimedia displays. We were promised a ride on a beer wagon through the streets of Amsterdam. This was just a few minutes sitting in front of a video screen, watching a dray horse’s enormous backside waddling along in front of us. The consolation for our trip was that we were able to use a video booth to record a torrent of abuse that we then e-mailed to the absent sister who had suggested this particular jaunt.
Back to the real beer in real brown cafes, and the other pleasures of the coffee shops. Yes they do sell hash there. Anyone with a misspent youth will relish the rather shifty air with which they dispense joints and temple sticks, but there is no need to fear prosecution.
If sitting around all afternoon giggling about absolutely nothing at all is your idea of a good time then you know what to do. Just remember, it is a lot stronger than that stuff you grew in your parents’ greenhouse in the holidays, so go easy.
Our girls enjoyed the Sea Palace best (where a Chinese banquet feels like a meal fit for an emperor) on a bizarre floating pagoda in the Oosterdok.
My personal favourite was a little café in a basement, whose roughly translated slogan seemed to sum up for me the charms of Amsterdam. Café De Fles (the flask) had promised us “fresh cosiness” and delivered to my utmost satisfaction. I even nodded off at one point which, in my book, is a compliment, both to the excellent ales and wines on offer, but also the sense of utter relaxation the place supplied.
If you must go sightseeing in the Red Light District, feel free, as they say. Amsterdam is a port, after all. The sights are sweeter in Bloemenmarkt, the flower market which floats on Singel, just down the street from the Dam. You don’t need to be a gardener to be entranced by the blooms. And don’t be surprised if you find that somehow you’ve ended up buying a pair of clogs before you leave. You can always plant bulbs in them.
Amsterdam is an open port, where you need an open mind. It does what it says on the tin, without affectation or apology and if you like a drink, a smoke and a stroll with good companions, it's just the place for you. You will never be dazzled by it, though you may become pleasantly befuddled. If you give it a chance, sooner or later, you will find yourself nicely gezellig.
Get thereAer Lingus (aerlingus.com) flies from Dublin and Cork to Amsterdam
Amsterdam where to . . .
3 places to stay
Value: The houseboats. Find an excellent selection at houseboathotel.nl which has both apartments and houseboats. We cannot honestly recommend the one we stayed on but there is a more or less infinite variety to choose from. Most have kitchens. Some, such as the exotically titled Houseboat B040, have proper baths. Have a drink on deck, watching the sun go down, and pity the poor landlubbers in the rush hour. Sleeps four, from €225 per night for the whole boat.
Mid-market: Hotel Estherea, Singel 303-309, 00-20-624-5146, estherea.nl. Charming hotel with 17th century façade, which has been run by the Esselar family for generations. Quaint touches include a massive chandelier in the neat wood panelled lobby and hot drinking chocolate on tap all day long. Eccentricities include a video of a fireplace playing constantly in the library. All the sights of old Amsterdam are a short stroll away. Doubles from €245.
Upmarket: InterContinental, Amstel, Professor Tulplein 1, 1018 GX Amsterdam, 00-31-20-622-6060, intercontinental.com. The grande dame of Dutch hotels. Guests have included the Tsar of Russia and Bono and facilities include private barges and a fleet of Rolls Royces for getting you around town. With outdoor summer terraces and a Michelin-starred restaurant overlooking the Amstel, it's a world away from the hippy houseboats. Executive rooms from €365.
3 places to eat
Value: Restaurant Tomaz, Begijnensteeg 8, 1012 PN Amsterdam, 00-31-20-320-6489, tomaz.nl. A restaurant and wine bar, with all the traditional appeal of an authentic brown café. Classic Stampot stew, Leffe on tap and a neat little wine list in a friendly atmosphere. They even have a piano, though the Dutch don't do singsongs. Two-course set menu for €19.50.
Mid-market: De Fles, Prinsengracht 955, 1017 HJ Amsterdam, 00-31-20-624-9644. A jolly little hobbit hole where you can lose track of time. They stay open until 2am at weekends and you might hear some blues. The website used to boast Fresh Cosiness. It still boasts Alaskan King Krab in a Monthly Menu for €25.50.
Madmarket: Don't go to Amsterdam for haute cuisine. Have a laugh on board the Sea Palace, Oosterdokskade 8, 1011 AE Amsterdam, 00-31-20-626-4777, seapalace.nl. Spare yourself the Imperial menu with abalone and shark's fin soup. Go for the classic Sea Palace options with all the scallops, Oysters, prawns and fish you can handle.
Shop spot
What? You want to dress like Ruud Gullit? Don't risk the frock shock. Browse the funky book shops, like the American Bookshop on The Spui, around the corner from the Kalverstraat. Better still, go green fingered and pick up bulbs that would once have gone for thousands in the Bloemenmarkt, the floating flower market on Singel. Just remember to plant them when you get home!
Nightspot
Abraxas,Jonge Roelensteeg 12-14, 1012 PL Amsterdam, +31 00-31-20-625-5763, abraxas.tv. This suitably weird looking coffee shop stays open until 1am. There's a Tolkienesque effect to the tree-themed décor and the products on offer are, allegedly, most satisfactory. Enjoy, and remember to be cool.