Anthea McTiernanvisits Tensquare in Belfast
NOTHIN' FOR US in Belfast? I think there is, young man. It's 30 years since the raw punk chutzpah of Stiff Little Fingers focused the eyes of the world on their troubled home city, and my, how times have changed. Alternative Ulster, anyone? The dividend for peace has been one hell of a makeover. Posh malls, funky clubs, bespoke bars, boutique hotels . . . and no more barriers (of the metal security kind, at least).
So it was we made our way north on the longest, and possibly wettest, day of the year to spend the night in TenSquare, one of Belfast's trendy hostelries right at the centre of the action on Donegall Square.
It had been a long metaphorical journey to this weekend of gay abandon, and our story deserved a gritty urban denouement of the kind that Belfast seemed dead on for. Things looked promising straight away. When you're checking into a hotel after a trilby-wearing Pete Doherty lookalike, you know you've made the right choice. We deserved a few teenage kicks after all the middle-aged spread.
TenSquare, all dark wood and leather, looked inviting in the downpour. Unaccustomed to financial self-pleasuring, we'd booked an expensive hotel, but pulled our punches by going for the cheapest type of room. We would come to regret that.
The room was at the back of the hotel. It was big enough. The bed was massive. Yippee. And the bathroom was clean, trendy and stocked with the kind of lovely smelly stuff that it would seem a travesty to leave behind.
There was a hairdryer (useful) and a trouser-press (retro). The mini-bar would have set you back £3.50 for some cool Brazilian beer and £2.50 for some chic nuts. What sold the self-catering facilities to Mr Virgo, however, was the fresh coffee and cafetiere. He has very meetable needs.
All in all, things were looking good. Unfortunately they were sounding bad. The shuttered windows of Room 213 (I'm not usually superstitious, but . . . ) look out onto a flat roof that sports two huge extractor fans whose job it is to deal with the heat and action from the hotel's busy kitchen. The noise was terrible. I rang reception, where my request to move rooms was turned down on the basis that they were full. The noise would be over by 10.30pm, though, I was assured.
We went out for a bit of aural relief and determined to take advantage of a currency that is regaining its allure by buying goods. The mark-up on imported goods from the sterling zone is such a rip-off in the Republic that it was payback time now we were in the six counties.
Dinner was a treat, too. Like the two men from Inverness in the jacks (no, I wasn't there, it was reported to me later by a very reliable source), I had absolutely no expectation of actually seeing Paul Rankin in his trendy fusion restaurant, Cayenne on Shaftesbury Square, but ready, steady, look . . . there he was. My appetite for celebrity was sated.
Back to TenSquare. It was midnight, but the noise from the fans roared on. Tolerance being the key word in this city nowadays we retired for the night, hoping the racket would stop. It didn't. By 4.30am we were awake again. The soothing effects of a weekend away were fast evaporating.
At check-out we complained. A sum of £61 was deducted from our bill of £170. If you go to TenSquare - and why not? it is lively and trendy and fun - make sure you tell them you don't want a room at the back of the building near the extractor fans.
We headed out of the city centre to - yeah, you guessed it - Ikea. The bubble had burst. There'll be no more teenage kicks for us (at least none of our own creation). Middle age is beckoning and Swedish soft furnishing is suddenly starting to look racy.
WhereTenSquare, 10 Donegall Square South, Belfast (directly behind City Hall), 00-44-28-90241001, www.tensquare.co.uk.
WhatLuxury boutique 23-bedroom hotel with ground-floor bar and grill restaurant.
Best rateStandard rate of £170, but check the website for the special internet rate of £119, subject to availability.
Bars and restaurantsThe Grill Room and Bar serves food all day until 10pm. You will eat your breakfast (included) here.
AccessTwo wheelchair-accessible bedrooms.
ParkingNo, but parking is available at McCausland Car Park on Grosvenor Road. Overnight price is £10.
Child-friendlinessThere are no family rooms but the hotel will set up a camp bed iyour room for a child should you so wish.