At various points in our lives we experience the feeling that everybody else is having sex but us. The Trinity Ball is one of the few social occasions when this might actually be true.
The ball, which takes place tonight in the grounds of Trinity College Dublin, has its origins in the celebrations which followed college athletics meetings in the 19th century. It was cancelled in 1995 and 1996, following insurance difficulties and poor ticket sales, but resurfaced last year and now looks set to resume its position as one of the city's premier social events. Tonight 5,500 people, who have each paid £35 for tickets, will be entertained by one of the strongest line-ups in recent years, including Spiritualised, Billy Nasty and special guests The Divine Comedy.
But the ball can be a testing occasion and, with that in mind, The Irish Times has provided a concise survival guide for those who are, for want of a better term, "Ball Virgins".
Nobody gets there early: Arriving at the ball before the crowd is like arriving at a party before the host has even got out of bed. Queueing from 10.30 p.m. allows you to mingle and drink your cans before the bouncers take them from you. On the other hand, if it's raining then queueing just allows you to get wet quickly. You may also miss some of the bands, which is not always a bad thing.
Missing Some of the Bands: The music at the ball is like the 1960s: if you can recall any of it, then you weren't really there. Veteran ballgoers speak wistfully of the show by rappers Public Enemy in the 1980s, but after that it all becomes a little vague.
This year, don't miss Spiritualised or The Divine Comedy. After that, go back to doing whatever you were doing before you interrupted yourself. Above all else, avoid doing anything that seems like too much trouble. If you avoid trouble - stealing drinks/fags/boyfriends/ girlfriends - you will make friends, maybe even friends who will sleep with you.
Making Friends Who Will Sleep With You: Sex inevitably rears its ugly head at the ball, although, like the Grand National, there are inevitably more spectators than participants and most people are going to be losers.
In 1992, according to ball lore, a young couple made love on the Henry Moore statue in the grounds, which is probably more than Henry Moore ever did. That same year, your correspondent witnessed a young woman engaged in an intimate act with her partner in the gents' toilets. Despite the fact that some ballgoers may lose their inhibitions tonight, The Irish Times is in no way condoning unsafe sex and advises all concerned to take the proper precautions: don't give them your real name and never give out your phone number at the end of the night.
The End of the Ball: The ball ends at dawn, the first time that many students will have been up that early. Those who have lasted the pace usually seek some form of sustenance at this point but Bewley's on Grafton Street, the traditional post-ball stomping ground, has closed for renovations. Instead, Bewley's on Westmoreland Street will be open from 5.00 a.m. to provide a brunch breakfast, including tea, coffee and freshly squeezed orange juice for liquid refreshment.
Liquid Refreshment (Alcoholic): For those intent on turning their livers into scientific curiosities or shoe leather, the city does provide a number of early-opening pubs, including The Wind Jammer and Ned Scanlan's, both on Townsend Street. Alternatively, you can go home to bed and pray that the next morning will be merciful.
The Next Morning is Never Merciful: Wake up. Feel sorry for yourself. Stay in dressing gown. Watch children's television. Drink soup. Feel Better. Start saving for 1999.