Mention health farms and everyone immediately thinks of starvation, hot water and lemon, cross country runs . . . in short, deprivation for the sake of health. Mention health farms to me and I think relaxation, pampering, good food, comfy beds, luxurious surroundings, beautiful countryside, and above all stress-free zones.
So how does my impression take a quantum leap from the usual? Easy - health farms have grown up to realise that what people really need today is to de-stress in a comfortable atmosphere, and they're prepared to pay for it. Recently, I experienced two of the new generation of health farms, one in Ireland and the other in England. Each had a different outlook on health and beauty and the results were the same - a calm, relaxed, almost supine creature returned home.
Tinerana House in Killaloe approaches health from a holistic viewpoint. I came back from Tinerana with a new back and a straightened aura. Ragdale Hall in Leicestershire has a more mainstream view of health and I returned from there thinner and glowing.
Set in rolling pastures in the Leicestershire countryside, Ragdale Hall was originally some lord's Victorian manor and has been extended to become a health Hydro. The facilities are extensive - two pools, fully equipped gym, studio, sauna, flotation tank, steam room and dozens of treatment rooms. Outdoors you can cycle or shoot, and play tennis, croquet, pitch and putt and boules.
It is strange to walk into a place where everyone is wearing white robes, but looking healthy. After a few hours, once you have donned your own robe, it begins to feel normal. Settling into Ragdale is a comfortable affair. Nice staff discuss what you can do and what you would like to do, and show you around. The original house has been extended to add on a wonderful Roman-style pool area, an exercise pool, gyms and bedrooms. Atrium and conservatory areas give a lovely airy feel to the house. Ragdale takes up to 120 guests per night and 25 day guests, who are ministered to by over 300 staff, 80 of whom are therapists. This is the serious business of beauty and health.
Originally owned by Slimming magazine, Ragdale was one of those Spartan places that starved you but, since changing hands in the early 1990s, the focus has completely changed. Here is a haven of tranquillity, a stress-free zone where you can be as active or as prone as you wish. You can have your body massaged, waxed, plucked, exercised, scented, pummelled, squeezed, wrapped, oiled, stretched or treated to dozens of other treatments with lovely expensive oils and creams.
Being the more active type, I took part in a number of exercise classes, aerobics, body-sculpt, and gym workouts. Best active exercise was the aqua-tone; the instructor stands on the side of the pool yelling and demonstrating moves, and you have to perform them in water. Try side-stepping across a pool and then follow it up with a bunny-hop. Not as easy as it sounds. The class ended with an Esther Williams-type synchronised twirling, which had us giggling like teenagers.
Focusing on the figure, a body wrap seemed like a good idea - Dead Sea minerals were lathered on and I was cling-filmed like a chicken, wrapped in a duvet and left in a dimmed room with soothing music to cook for half an hour. Lo and behold six inches had disappeared, to where I do not know, but my tummy was gurgling a lot. The programme at Ragdale is run by a group of ladies called the schedulers who manage the massive operation of getting 120 people to all the things they want to do.
Classes run all day, on time, where you can learn to juggle, line dance, boxercise, fence and do yoga, or just have your hair done. When exhausted from all this, you can shop for beauty products, designer clothes, or tasteful souvenirs. The day at Ragdale begins with breakfast in bed for everyone, then it's off to the various classes and treatments. All day you are in and out of robes, swimwear, underwear and no wear. Lunch is buffet-style and divided into sections for calorie counting. You can lose weight here, if that's your goal, by following the low calorie menu, but the food is very good. Dinner in the evening is a four-course meal - with wine, if you like. The day ends early - by 10 p.m. hardly a sinner still up.
Tinerana, on the other hand, is casually laid-back. No rushing from class to class here - everything is at a gentle pace. You calmly go from therapy to session and, in between, lounge in front of the massive turf fires or go walking in the grounds. Tinerana is a manor house built in the 16th century, overlooking one of the best views in Ireland. Four miles from Killaloe, it is situated on the shore of Lough Derg, set in 300 acres of woodlands and parks, with deer hopping through the trees.
Arriving on a Friday afternoon, everything is quiet, the hall is scented with lilies and we are shown to our bedroom. It's easily bigger than a modern apartment and, best of all, overlooks the lake. There is time for a walk in the grounds before dinner - the driveway alone is about a mile from the road. We spend an hour exploring, see the deer and horses and find the little marina, where you can take boat rides in the summer.
Down to dinner and to eye up the other guests. There are about 16 staying for the weekend. A mixed bunch, mostly women, but also some couples. After dinner we meet the therapist to discuss what is planned for the next day. Subdued giggling as trendy couple arrive down in their robes for a body wrap. He's definitely too tall for his robe . . .
Saturday dawns and with it no smell of frying bacon. Instead, breakfast is a healthy selection of muesli, cereals, fresh fruit salad, yoghurt, juices and eggs. Now the real business begins - the therapists arrive to take people off for their various treatments. Over the weekend I had a body wrap (no cling film here), Reiki, facial and back massage. The body wrap consists of having lovely Yonka creams rubbed on and then being wrapped in tin foil to relax and let them work. It was followed by a facial and face massage. The consensus after all this was not to wash until the next day; the creams smell too good to wash off.
Reiki is a Japanese therapy that involves the laying of hands on various energy points of your body to improve the flow. It's very relaxing, lying in a dimmed room with Japanese pipe music playing. Everyone sits together for a light but tasty lunch, with a great selection of veggie juices. By this stage the chatter level has increased, with everyone interested in knowing what the others have had.
The final session of the day is a yoga class for everyone. Most of us have never done it before and find it very enjoyable. There's time to go to your room to relax before dinner, or take a walk. For dinner we are back to individual tables again. But we plan to see the local nightlife in the form of the nearest pub, the Pipers, which is about a mile away.
Sunday morning dawns and my sister is pining for rashers; she always has a fry at the weekend. The plan this morning is for Callanetics, a stretching type of exercise. The instructor arrives, and decides, since it is a nice morning, that we should start with a walk to warm up. Final therapies and sessions are taken this morning - mine is an aromatherapy back massage - and then it's time for a goodbye lunch. Such is the camaraderie that it's hard to believe we all met as strangers only two days before.
Leaving Tinerana, I am aware of a strange feeling; my back feels wonderful, as if it belongs to someone else. My sister is also noticing this transformation and we both resolve that we will get aromatherapy back massages regularly. Last year saw the launch of the Health Farms of Ireland Association, which has now produced a booklet with the help of Bord Failte. Copies are available from tourist information offices. A word to the opposite sex who are often the cause of our tensions: you should try this too! Couple weekends at both resorts are becoming increasingly popular.
Ragdale Hall is in Leicestershire, about half an hour by taxi from East Midlands Airport, Cityjet service from Dublin four times a day. A weekend costs from £190 sterling and includes certain treatments. Details from Ragdale Hall, Ragdale Village, Nr Melton Mowbray, Leics LE14 3PB, tel: 00 44 1664 434831
Tinerana House, Killaloe, Co Clare, tel 061 376966. A weekend costs from £249 and extra treatments can be arranged.