Dáil Sketch / Miriam Lord:Bertie Ahern is afraid to call an election because he cannot face the humiliation. When the votes are cast and the ballot boxes opened, his mortification will be complete.
The whole world will mock the Taoiseach. Fellow statesmen around the globe will snigger at him. Prime ministerial hotlines will ring in grand offices in great capital cities as the leaders of nations rush to tell each other their Bertie the Irishman joke.
Grandpappy Ahern is a proud man. It's not the derision, but the pity he fears most.
This grave situation is imminent because we do not have electronic voting.
People like you and me, we don't understand the way of international politics. But Bertie does.
We might be happy to continue posting ballots into tin cans. We might enjoy the twists and turns of the election count, watching the results of our humble deliberations taking shape. We might even learn from those few days, emerging with a better understanding of our democratic system and a renewed interest in the people we choose to run it.
But that's neither here nor there.
We might think the rest of the world couldn't give a tinker's curse about how the people of Ireland choose to exercise their franchise. We are wrong.
The Taoiseach knows we face being labelled a nation of simpletons when word gets out about our paper, stubby pencils, tallymen and long counts.
Bertie is acutely aware that there is huge interest around the planet in the mechanics of Irish general elections. Our EU partners are fascinated by the subject. This worries him deeply, because he knows the world will be appalled by the way we vote.
He couldn't hide his distress yesterday in the Dáil. When count day finally dawns, "we will be the laughing stock of Europe".
If Bertie is right, it will wipe out all the goodwill and respect generated by the economic advancements of the Celtic Tiger years.
And all because his Government spent more than €60 million on electronic voting machines which don't work.
Grandpappy Ahern is so embarrassed he can't think straight. Jabbing a quivering finger across the floor at the Opposition, he shouted: "It's your fault!" The Opposition nearly passed out, they were chortling so much.
This should have been a comfort to the Taoiseach, whose only thought is that we should not lower ourselves in the eyes of our neighbours.
Deputies Kenny, Rabbitte and the rest were showing how we can still be trendsetters, laughing uncontrollably over our election arrangements weeks before the rest of the free world gets the chance to snigger.
Labour leader Pat Rabbitte wanted to know what will happen to the dodgy hardware: €62 million wasted "on machines that only Robert Mugabe would be interested in purchasing." A terrible waste.
Bertie agreed, happily paddling in denial as Pat's eyebrows dusted the light fittings. He said he felt embarrassed when he saw the results of the French election come in so quickly.
Consumed by thoughts of imminent shame on the world stage, the Taoiseach completely forgot that his administration bought the defective voting machines.
"Any waste of money on the voting system lies at the Opposition's door," he thundered. "I had to apologise to the people of Meath a few days ago," he added cryptically, which might just be taking his inferiority complex a step too far.